Reflection and forgiveness

So, I spent the last hour reading through my past posts. First off, WOW!
There is so much I want to say, but not sure how I'm going to say it, so please bare with me while I try to get it all out.
Let's start with reflection. There is so much that I have put out there on my blog. Posts about depression, being vulnerable. Posts about wanting to lose even more weight, even when I was entering treatment last year. Posts filled with excuses on why I should keep Ana around. Posts about how I was going to recover and get rid of Ana once and for all.
The amount of support I have received from you ladies on all these different posts have been astounding. The good, the bad, and the ugly; you have stuck by my side. Thank you for that.
I'm feeling so many different emotions right now. Regret probably being the biggest one. I feel regret for so many things. Especially when it comes to my ED and how it's affected everyone in my life.
One of the posts I read was my new years resolutions for this year. How I wanted to stay between 96 and 98lbs, but then I say in that same post that I want to have control over my ED. A little redundant when I look back on it now.
I have made myself pretty vulnerable with this blog. It's given me an opportunity to be honest with myself. I like being able to read back and realize how sick I was. Not for inspiration to get there again, but inspiration to do better, by my kids, T, and most importantly, myself.
I am not proud of the person that I became because of Ana. I am not proud of the decisions I have made over the past few years. I am disappointed in the shit I have put T through.
Which leads me to forgiveness. I did a post back in January about forgiveness. About how I wanted to forgive certain people, even if they didn't deserve it. But what about ourselves?
Those of us with addictions, ED's, anxiety and depression; we are so hard on ourselves. I think one of the first steps in recovery from anything, is learning to forgive ourselves. To be gentle with ourselves. Because we didn't chose to live like this. We didn't wake up one morning and say, "hey, let's fuck up our lives as much as humanly possible."
Living with an addiction, no matter which one is our poison, is hard on everyone around us, but especially ourselves. Not only physically, but mentally especially. I know with my ED, I beat myself up for everything.
We need to learn to forgive ourselves. We need to accept that addiction is ugly. That we fuck up, and that is okay, because we are only human. I believe if we can learn to forgive ourselves, then maybe we finally start recovering from our addictions?
No one is perfect, so why must we hold ourselves to that standard? Why must we be so hard on ourselves when the rest of the world does that for us? If we are not standing up for ourselves, then how do we expect anyone else to?
I'm sorry for all the randomness, but I feel like I needed to get some shit off my chest. I still don't feel like I got it all out, but it's a start.
So I'll leave you with this; be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself because that's where it'll start.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie