I was reading Lou Morales blog,
And she was talking about forgiveness.
I struggle with forgiveness,
In many different aspects.
Sometimes I forgive too easily,
Sometimes I don't forgive at all.
In either situation,
They probably don't deserve it.
Something I've done recently,
Is I forgave my brother,
For molesting me for two years,
When I was 7 years old.
It felt good to forgive him,
I felt that we could have a relationship,
Without all the sickening feelings,
And the uncomfortableness.
Did he deserve my forgiveness?
No, probably not.
But I felt that it needed to happen,
In order for both of us to move on.
But there are two people in my past,
That I have a hard time forgiving.
One would be my father,
And the other is RJ.
In my father's case,
I know that forgiveness needs to happen.
I know that in some way or another,
I need to have a serious talk with him.
I need to let him know,
Exactly it is that I am holding onto.
But it's so difficult to talk to him,
Without it starting a fight.
He takes everything so personal,
And I feel like we couldn't have a talk,
Without it sounding like I am blaming him,
For every bad thing that has happened to me.
Had he been the present father I needed,
I wouldn't have ended up with RJ.
I wouldn't have been raped numerous times,
And I probably wouldn't be so fucked up.
And as far as RJ goes,
I don't think he deserves my forgiveness.
I think he needs to know what he put me through,
He needs to suffer the way he made me for 3 years.
For 3 years he put me through hell,
He hit me, raped me, belittled me,
In private and in front of others.
And for that I feel he deserves to suffer.
A lot of the times when I watch Dexter,
I feel like that's how RJ needs to end up.
He needs to know what it's like,
To be tortured and belittled.
If I ever came to the decision to forgive him,
Would it make me feel better?
For some reason, I don't think so.
I think it would make him feel like what he did,
Was ok, and it wasn't.
I think what would make me feel better,
Is if I could confront him and make him listen.
How my dark passenger is always with me,
Because of what he put me through.
So to forgive is something that I need to work on,
And I think I need to do is write a letter to my dad.
That way he can see what I have to say,
Without thinking that I'm blaming.
And with RJ, I need to find him,
And I need to make him listen to me.
I wish it wasn't so hard to find him,
I mean, we live in a small enough town.
I'll probably update later,
For now I just needed to vent.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie
Forgiveness is a very difficult thing. I struggle with it as you do too, forgiving either too much or not enough. I think the letter to your dad is a good idea. Reading something is much different than hearing it.
ReplyDeleteAs for RJ, I haven't got much advice. Just keep yourself in check and remember to treat it as a healing experience for you rather than letting yourself be destroyed by it. If tht makes any sense. I wish you the est of luck. Xx
-J
Forgiveness is really hard. I know in my heart that I will never forgive my molester, because he has caused me lifelong damage. It irks me to know he is out there somewhere, living his life without any consequences.
ReplyDeleteI would say just make sure you are ready to face RJ, before you try to find him. You need to be sure that he won't get under your skin again.
Love love love! Please take care of yourself, Katie. xo
“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”
ReplyDelete― C.R. Strahan
This is a topic I have heard about endlessly growing up in a Christian home but it wasn't something I understood for a while. I was also molested, for seven years. The way that I handled it was to develop my eating disorder, minimize it, run from it, and pretend it wasn't there. I had to be normal. I was like someone with a broken leg trying to run. Maybe I was angry now and then because he was like my brother and because there were obvious things in my relationships that I struggled with, but I thought that I could avoid these things and make it work. I couldn't. Healing is a very real thing that has to happen, especially in the case of sexual abuse. It's a very real thing that permeates so many facets of your life and even how you view yourself. Maybe had my father been a better and more present father then I wouldn't have ended up with my ex. Maybe I wouldn't have taken the emotional abuse and the drug abuse but you know when you're being treated poorly. In your heart you know something isn't right. It's absolutely fantastic that you're working on forgiveness. It took years to come to the point where I could honestly say that everyone deserves forgiveness but with the understanding that we are all human. Sex offenders, drug addicts, the selfish mom, the gossiper, we are all human and we are all hurting people hurting others. It's terrible, what happened to us, without a doubt, and people deserve consequences for their actions, but if we never forgive we keep ourselves enslaved to the past. I'm not as far in my healing as I would like and I still can't discuss it in detail without fumbling over my words and fighting tears in many instances. I'm sure he lives with the shame of what he did to me. I'm sure your father and brother and even RJ have to deal with the thought of what they did to you. I think of it as if I think I deserve to be forgiven or even have the desire to be, so does everyone else that has hurt me. Keep pushing ahead girl. I'm proud of you working on this. The rest of the problems associated begin to work themselves out a little at a time.
I wanna leave you with this quote too from this book. I think it's a good read. I love you.
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity
Forgiveness is such a difficult thing. I'm just like you: sometimes I forgive too soon, sometimes not. Your story is terrible and I don't know what you should do. Only your heart knows the best path to follow.
ReplyDelete