Sunday, November 11, 2012

7 new followers this week

I can't express how excited I am to have all of my new followers. To be honest, I thought when I started a pro recovery blog, I was going to lose a lot of my support on here. So thank you for taking interest in my journey.
So my latest update isn't the best. After my last post about needing a scale so I could just weigh myself once, I did it. It was straight "junkie thinking." I paid my neighbor kid 5 dollars to let me use his scale just so I could the number. I am ashamed of myself for going to that extreme just so I could be let down. If that number went up, then everyone would be proud of me. I would have people telling me what a good job I am doing. If that number went down, then there would be a lot of people pissed off at me for not trying harder. So I guess my result that I got was neither. That number stayed the same. Still 96lbs. Meaning I have been out of treatment for a little bit over a month now and I have only gained a pound. Ana is happy about this. And I guess in reality, she's winning. I'm fighting, but not well enough. I went to support group on Thursday. It was pretty emotional for me. Then I had my individual therapy on Friday. I cried. I feel like that I am failing as a mom. My oldest has some issues that I have been trying so hard to work through with his therapist and with him, but over the past week, more things have come up and now this coming week I have to have his therapist talk to him by herself for the first time to see if he will disclose anything to her that he wouldn't in front of me. A mother's worst nightmare. Sigh.
This weekend has been decent. Yesterday was a pretty motivating day until about 3pm. I went to a friend's baby shower. It was so much fun. We played games, got to enjoy presents, and eat.... Cake... This is about when I had my freak out. We didn't have to go up and get a piece ourselves. Her friend brought everyone a piece. So I felt obligated to eat it. Stupid fucking sweets, I swear. I was able to share half of it with my youngest, but the part that I did eat, was all icing. I can't help it. After that, I couldn't stop beating myself up. Over one small piece of cake damn it. I can't wait for the day until I can go to a social gathering as such and be able to be normal like everyone else. Not have my heart beating so hard that it's going to fall our of my chest. Or start sweating because my anxiety is through the roof. So after the shower, I had to drive home and it was snowing so bad. What normally would have been like a half hour trip took me close to an hour. I got lost. Thank God I have 4 wheel drive this winter. I talked to T when I got home about the cake and how upset I was at myself for eating it. Then when it came to dinner, I had no interest in making anything. I didn't want to smell food, touch food, let alone eat food. Finally I gave in and made myself some soup and sandwich. I also decided to be brave and drink my boost with dinner. Bad idea. I got really sick to my stomach and ended up vomiting my whole dinner. Notice I said vomit, not purge. For the first time, as long as I can remember, I didn't have to force myself to. I was sick the rest of the night.
I'm stressing about the weeks to come. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!! That's all it is. I expressed to T that I just want to skip Thanksgiving all together, but that's not going to happen. This is my first real test since being in treatment. I will make dinner for myself and everyone on Thanksgiving, and I will eat as well as I can without any behaviors. That's the promise to myself. And tonight for dinner, chicken and biscuits in the crock pot. Yeah, I'm pretty excited. I may not eat a whole servings worth, but I will do my best. Thank you all for the love and support. Much love.
XOXO Katie

5 comments:

  1. Ah, yes, thanksgiving is scary. I wish you the best of luck. I also with you the best with your oldest in therapy. That has to be terribly difficult.

    Hang in there, x

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  2. I dread Christmas so much... not just because of the food, but because I also put so much pressure on myself to socialize, be 'happy', and look perfect. Last Christmas week I spent every spare second binging just enormous amounts of greasy food or attacking my face. Christmas before that I restricted so much that I spent most of the Christmas week hoping that I wasn't going to suddenly pass out in front of the family. I think this Christmas I'm due to restrict again... It's really messed up.

    Anyway... :)I'm very happy to be one of your new followers. Keep fighting... maybe one day I'll try again to find the courage to fight for recovery too. xx

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  3. You are so strong and brave and really giving your best to go through those hard times of recovery. I know you can make it and kind of imagine this scene for you:
    Maybe next year on one of your boys birthdays you'll have a piece of cake, like everybody else, and enjoy it. Of course, beforehand you may think of the calories but when you see your boys tuck into the treat you want that same pleasure and you can actually be fine with it cuz hey, it's cake, not poison.

    I thank you so much for your support and want you to be proud of yourself for your own success and helping so many others. I look up to you. Sorry my blog may be triggering some time, I'm far from recovering, giving in to Bulimia on a regular basis and to stubborn yet to get some help.

    Take care and thank you so so much!
    xx

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  4. I've been dreading the holiday seasons, because they are centered on food why why? Every strategy I come up with turns out badly.
    Best wishes, I hope things turn out for the best with your oldest. Take care xx

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  5. You're doing really well Katie, you should be really proud :) I know you can beat this, just keep going. Take care <3
    Alice xx

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