A brutally honest post

So first off, I am going to apologize for how negative this post might be. Last night writing in my journal, I learned that I will say things in there and not put them on here in fear of everyone being disappointed in me. Secondly, just because I'm writing like this tonight, doesn't mean I feel this way all the time. Just in the last few days. And finally, I'm writing this to hold me accountable. I need to get it all out and be done with it. It's honest, and there may a few people upset with how I feel currently, but do know that I am doing my best at recovery. OK, here we go...
I feel nothing short of a fat cow. My eating disorder has done nothing but beat me down these past few days. I can't even eat something that is around 200 calories without feeling completely guilty about it. I DO have an overwhelming urge to purge my food, but haven't given into it. I can't get dressed in front of my mirror because I can't stand what I see. I am trying so very hard to see how "beautiful" I am, all the things about me that make me unique and what not, but I just don't see it. I don't see what everyone else sees. Just like no one sees things in my perspective. Most people look at me and may think that I'm underweight or perfectly skinny, but in no way do I see this. All I can do is pick out every single imperfection about me. My hair is too frizzy and entirely too short now. My eyes and lips are too small and my nose is freaking huge. My face and neck are covered in blemishes. My arms are too jiggly. My stomach and thighs are huge and have stretch marks on them. My calves are gigantic and I have ugly feet. My boobs are too small and my ass is too fat. As a mom, I should be proud of my stretch marks. They prove that I did something special. But to me, they are just another thing on my body that doesn't belong. I see moms all the time with no stretch marks and I'm always jealous. 
Went and got family pictures today. Out of 69 shots, I can almost find something wrong with the way I look in all of them. Don't get me wrong, they were great photos, but I feel like I've gained too much weight and of course you can see it all in my face. T and the kids looked great. We got some great photos of all of us, some of just the kids, and some of just T and I. I would post a couple on here so everyone could see them, but I'm a bit embarrassed. But we got Christmas cards to send out, so I'm happy about that.
I apologize for the way this post came out, but I realized that I need to be comfortable writing something here just like I do in my journal, or else there's no reason to keep it. I have good days and I have bad days. Right now I am under a storm cloud and I'm waiting for the rainbow to show itself to me. Recovery is not out of my reach, I'm just not currently touching it. Ana tends to be a bit loud and distracting and sometimes I don't put enough effort to make that extra leap towards the end of all of this. Under the storm cloud, Ana is jumping in the puddles having a great time, while I sit under a tree trying not to get struck by lightning. This too shall pass and it will stop raining soon. This goes for everyone that is struggling with your eating disorder. We need to have patience and know that it won't ever go away for good, but we can put it in the back of our closets. Alright, that's my rant. Hope everyone is having a good day/night. Much love.
XOXO Katie