Color blind?

The sunset is pink to the 20 people surrounding me. I see it as blue. Everyone else insists that I'm not seeing it the way that it actually is. This is how it is with me. Everyone else sees me as underweight, or perfect. I see myself as overweight and filled with flaws. So just like with the sunset, maybe I'm (color) blind. T says that I have to adjust my way of thinking. That Ana isn't real and that I need to take back control over MY mind. At this point, I am terrified that if I keep going the way that I have been, especially this past week, that I am going to end back up where I was before I went to treatment. I know I've lost weight. I'm guessing two or so pounds. Which would put me at 93 or 94lbs. I see my dietitian in an hour. Then I will know for sure. But she is not going to be happy with me. Last time I saw her, she told me that if I didn't start gaining weight that she was going to be forced to stop seeing me. I guess this is supposed to motivate me to put on some weight. But for some reason, Ana just can't comprehend that. I don't understand how this imaginative person that I created so many years ago, has so much control over everything I do. I told T that maybe I just don't have what it takes for recovery. Maybe I just don't know how. Then he pointed to my meal plan and told me that it was written right there in black and white. God, I wish it was so simple. I wish that I could walk into the kitchen when I'm hungry and grab an apple and just eat it, instead of walking away feeling empty and Ana feeling satisfied. This past week has been difficult. I have skipped both breakfast and lunch and then barely any dinner. I'm pretty sure I've stayed under 500cal everyday. This isn't right. I have a family, friends, and people who love me that I need to be here for. But instead, I'm so wrapped up in my own mind and trying to make Ana happy, that I'm blinded from what's really important. I think T is at the end of his rope with all of this. I'm afraid he is going to give up on me and realize that maybe I am just a lost cause. That's what I feel I am. Like why do people keep trying to convince me to gain weight and be healthy, when the voice of Ana is so much louder? Do I feel like if she isn't happy, then no one is? That's can't be it seeing as she seems very pleased with me this last week, but everyone else and myself are not happy. Like I told T, I am happy in all other aspects of my life, I am happy. But when it comes to how I feel and see myself, I'm unhappy and miserable. So this is where I'm going to say that I am going to buckle down and just do what needs to be done to make my way towards recovery. It's a new day, right? Much love.
XOXO Katie