This getting weighed only once a week is driving me insane. I miss my scale. I know T got rid of it because it would just enable me, but I'm not sure that is the case anymore. I need to know if I'm succeeding at this weight gain thing or failing miserably. That's how I feel. I feel like I suck at recovery. I can't stop beating myself up, I'm drinking tea and coffee like it's going out of style. I'm working on my 4th cup of coffee. I put pumpkin creamer in this one. OMG is it amazing. I will probably have another cup of coffee on my way to support group. My best friend and I are riding up together tonight. Yay. I watched a very interesting documentary about Dana, the 8 year old anorexic. Thank you so much ruby for recommending it. It was so sad to see this girl in an eating disorder state of mind at such a young age. And how all of the thoughts and behaviors that she had are just like mine. On the outside, a lot of people don't understand why we are the way we are. And like they said in the documentary, I have two people inside of my head. One is myself, the other is Ana. Ana is a controlling bitch. She's mean, she is deceitful, but she also knows me the best. She has always been there for me, and always stood by my side. Unfortunately, it was only to benefit her. All the things she has told me through the years have turned out to be lies. But yet, I still listen to her at times. She still tells me what is good for me and what is going to make me hate myself later. It's a vicious circle with her. When I first got home from treatment, I didn't have a problem eating my snacks or indulging in sweets every once in awhile, but now, I am trying my hardest to stay away from anything sweet. All I can think about is what I looked like before I lost all my weight and it scares me. I don't want to get back up there. I think I'm good where I'm at. I have curves again, but not near as big as they used to be. I know that my ideal weight is 110lbs. I could get there easily if I wouldn't give into these thoughts. If I wouldn't believe Ana when she tells me I am getting fat or that my tummy is disgusting. And I feel so lazy. I had the perfect opportunity to go to the gym today and work out. I didn't have either one of the boys and I had a couple hours to myself. But instead of going to the gym, I cleaned the whole house and did laundry. And sat on my ass and read blogs. I'm going to gain weight like crazy unless I can get motivated to do something. Ugh, I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I felt like venting. Much love.
XOXO Katie
Hi :) I just recently came across your blog. It's so encouraging to read blogs of other people who are trying to recover or prevent relapse. Keep fighting x
ReplyDeleteIt might not feel like it Katie but you are in recovery. Recovery doesn't mean doing everything perfectly, I used to think it did and therefore thought I wasn't in recovery but recovery means you are fighting that you are not willing to live this way any longer. Yea, it sometimes feels like one step forward and two steps back but at least we are moving in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteAna will tell you that you can't do this, that you aren't strong enough. Drown out her voice bt telling yourself that you can do this.
Keep fighting the good fight
You are doing great
Sending you love x
No, you don't need a scale! That is the bad voice talking. I know it's hard but you are doing so good. Recovery isn't easy. You don't suck at it. It's just that it's hard and takes time. I'm glad to see you have another blog!! I hope that being around blog land is not bad for you anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'm in a similar place: I know that a scale is the last thing I need right now, but sometimes I think I want one more than anything.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I can tell, though, you really are doing well. xx
Every word is so true and relatable! Now I'm not sure quite where you are recovery wise, only you know, but a the simplest thing like a scale can be so tricky in recovery. Be careful because on bad days it can fuel your ed and make it worse.
ReplyDeleteHang in there xx