I've been putting off writing mainly because I don't know what to say. Here I am, two months out of treatment, and I'm falling right back into old habits and relapse. I feel guilty because everyone is doing everything they can to try to help me, but this is my demon to face and until I get the "balls" to stand up to Ana, I'm going to continue to self destruct. I miss having a scale. I miss being able to know my weight every morning. But like T has pointed out before, I was obsessed with it. I always was weighing myself. Saturday was a bad day for me. For the first time in months, I self harmed. All over my stomach. Because I felt like that's where it deserved it. Yesterday before my shower, T pointed out that he can count my ribs again and see my entire spine when standing up straight. Ana jumps for joy for that one. Yesterday was a heavy day. T was dealing with something that got brought up out of the middle of nowhere and he was pretty distracted with all of that. So I tried to push Ana aside to help him and support him. Of course, Ana can't be pushed aside. But yesterday she wasn't my number one focus, T was. But here I am, alone today, with my thoughts. I have skipped breakfast, will probably skip lunch because I have an ultrasound at 12:30pm to find out what's wrong and why I'm bleeding so much. It's probably another cyst. Yippy, not! Do you think 5 days of purging at least once a day is a slip or relapse? Maybe I'm just in denial about relapsing. Two months ago, I was thriving. I was on top of the world. I had beat Ana (or so I thought.) Everything was looking up. Back in July when my doctor told me I had less than a year to live, I made that decision to go to treatment and live my life. Am I just staying with Ana because it's comfortable? Am I really not that terrified of letting this thing kill me? All of these unanswered questions. According to my doctors prediction, I would only have 6 months left from this point. I told T yesterday that I feel like this is what is going to kill me. Maybe not in 6 months, but eventually down the road. I'm reading this book called "Gaining." It's about her life after her eating disorder, but it's filled with so much I can relate to. It's really a great book. Well I am going to finish my coffee and get on with my day. Thank you all for the lovely comments on my last post. I plan to be writing poetry more often. Much love.
XOXO Katie
A slip is when you are still wanting to fight for recovery, when you aren't willing to go back to Ana. A relapse is when you are back in Ana's grip, and you're not trying your hardest to get out. I don't think you are in a relapse.
ReplyDeleteI believe in you. I hope everything goes okay with the ultrasound, and I hope you have a good day, despite the trouble you're facing right now. Stay strong. Xx
I think I would call it a slip for now and a relapse if it became more frequent each day or every day for longer. But I'm not sure. I think if you think it's a relapse, then it would be?
ReplyDeleteYou CAN beat this; you can be back on top of the world with this disease beaten; for good! I believe in you <3 xxx
I believe in you, I pray for you daily, a slip happens once honey this is now again a daily thing your in relapse and losing yourself & your will. I love you with all my heart but your dr is right & ana is going to kill you. Plx if you can't fight anymore for yourself, t or the boys plz make your wishes known so they can be safe when she takes you from us. I'm not being mean I'm being brutally honest cuz I love you so much xxoo
ReplyDeleteRemember what it was like when you where doing well? Remember what it felt like? That's what you are fighting for. This ed may be pulling you down, but you have never lost that strength you gained from fighting it before. It is possible, it will be okay.
ReplyDeleteI'm not scared of it killing me, because death is inevitable, I'm scared of always living with it.
Have faith, find hope, stay strong.
Love you darling, always always keep fighting for the better xx
Aww hunny, Im so sorry your having a such a rough time, Its only a slip <3 I know you are strong enough to beat this hunny, You are loved
ReplyDeleteI feel like this too Katie
ReplyDeleteBut as it was pointed out to me, recovery is a rollercoaster with highs and lows, good days and bad days
The trick is not to give up
To keep fighting
To believe
To hope
To trust
I know you can do this Katie, you've proved how strong you are over and over
If you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on
I have that book too, it's very helpful
Lots of love x
Hey sweetie, this is just a slip. Of course you are going to slip now and then because it is a hard change that you are trying to make. I know you can get out of this and you can get back on track with recovery and you can get better, because it's what you want. You have been through so much, are so strong and you can do anything you want.
ReplyDeletePlease take care and good luck with your ultrasound, I hope you're okay.
Alice xx