Thanksgiving and an argument

I sat there in a tiny ball in the corner of my bathroom. I had been sitting there for 15 minutes arguing with Ana about whether or not I should purge my Thanksgiving dinner.
Ana: "I'm making you sit here because you know you should purge."
Me: "I only about 550 calories for dinner."
Ana: "Yeah, that's 250 more than you promised me you would have."
Me: "Yes, but I didn't eat all day before that."
Ana: "Just do it pansy. They all think you're doing it anyway."
Me: " They can tell whether or not I do it just by my eyes."
Ana: "If you don't purge, then you don't deserve anything else for the rest of the evening."
Me: "But there's still pie. Just a small piece."
Ana: "I swear if you do, you better fast tomorrow."
Me: "Fine. But I'm telling T about the laxies."
Ana: "Fucking bitch."
And I did. I told him that I didn't purge, but I did engage in other behaviors. I told him I used laxies today because I knew that I was going to have a major freak out over all of the food. He was upset, but we talked it through and in the end, he is probably a bit disappointed, but we overcame it. At least I hope so. So I had the pie. I regretted it right away. My plate had such a small amount on it, but yet, so many calories. I counted every single one as I put the fork into my mouth. I made a huge amount of deviled eggs because they go so fast in this house, and I did so good at resisting and not having one. I knew that if I had one, that it would turn into another, and so on and so forth.
On another note, I only have four Ambien left. I won't see the doctor until next week. Damn it. Taking those gives me a sense of security. Knowing that I won't be up with my nagging thoughts. But if I don't have them, what kind of trouble will my mind get me into? I'm also reading about Hypnosis and eating disorders. From what I've read, the individual needs to be willing to give up that control before the hypnosis can even begin. That's a scary thought. To know that there is a possibility that when you wake up from the hypnosis that you might not care whether or not you stuff your face. To not have that awareness of BMI or calories anymore. That's intimidating. Ruby did a post on going back in the past and whether or not you would change anything. I might get into that in my next post. I hope everyone in the U.S. had a great Thanksgiving, and I hope everyone else had a wonderful day. Much love.
XOXO Katie