My Rock Bottom

I didn't count calories yesterday or today. Why, you ask? Well pretty much because I am so done with all of this shit. Saturday night, I hit rock bottom. Let me start at the beginning:
So all day Saturday, we were out finishing up our Christmas shopping. It took us way longer than we expected. So while we were out around lunch time, we decided to go to Taco Bell for lunch. I did good. I ordered two small things and kept it down. As much as I wanted to go in the bathroom and purge, I knew that T's son would have noticed, and I'm not willing to risk that. Plus in the back of my mind, I kept thinking that I will do enough walking the rest of the day to burn those calories. And I probably did. After T's son went back to his mom's house, we went out shopping for him. We were at Walmart until like 10:30pm and I was starving. So T suggested McDonald's since we were right there. Fuck! Fast food twice in one day. I ate entirely too much. Way more than I wanted to. We went home afterwards and my one and only focus was to purge all of that nasty, disgusting food. I got my youngest to bed, and that is exactly what I did. I purged it all, and blood, and my side hurt so bad. I was in tears because I was so mad at myself. After I came out of the bathroom is when it all escalated and went downhill from there.
T and I started having this discussion and this time I was more honest with him than I have ever been when it comes to my eating disorder. I told him I knew he didn't love me anymore because I know that I am not Katie anymore. I am Ana. I have been for months. Katie has been gone, and so has that love that T had for her. I was crying so hard, and I started to become angry. I went in the bedroom, ripped a picture of the two of us from when we first got together off the wall, took it back into the dining room where we were talking, and pointed to the picture. I told him that is all I want. I want to be that girl again. The girl who would melt when he would look at me. The girl who had cleavage, and a smile, and thick beautiful hair. But I wasn't her anymore. I am this girl who looks so dead on the outside. This girl who has lost all life to her, and all her color is gone. I was to the point where I couldn't breathe because I was crying and I was angry and all I wanted to do was hit something.
My first instinct was to go into the bathroom and start cutting at myself. My stomach, my legs, my arms, my face. Because it didn't matter anymore. I was ugly already, can't really do anymore damage. But instead I did something completely opposite. I went into the bathroom, locked the door and stared at myself in the mirror. Then I started to slowly undress. First my hoodie. Then my shirt. Then my bra and finally my pants. Now I was forcing myself to look at the person I have become. I can count each one of my ribs. My entire pelvis is visible. My face looks hollow. I look like I should be dead. And if I were to have another heart attack right now, I probably would die. I'm 88lbs and I am so unhappy.
So anyway, after staring at myself for so long, I grabbed my cutting shears. I pulled my hair back in a ponytail, and started snipping away. I didn't care what I was doing. I didn't care how it was going to look. I was just cutting it away because I'm not Katie anymore, I'm Ana, and I need to get rid of her somehow. By this time, T is knocking on the door and asking me to unlock it. I was crying so loud and snipping so much away. My hair was falling and softly landing on my feet. Finally after I was done, I opened the door and fell onto the floor. I sat there crying, secretly praying for God to intervene in my life at that very moment or I was going to die. All the while T is staring at me, not knowing what to do. I got up and fell into his arms. And told him over and over again that "I am done." I can't count how many times those words came out of my mouth.
After I calmed down, I put one of his t-shirts on, went out to smoke a cigarette and reflect on what just happened. That was it. That was my rock bottom. That will be the moment that I will always remember and I will write about in my memoir one day. After smoking, I went and took a shower. The most amazing shower I have ever had. Because to me it felt like I washing away my sins. I was washing away Ana. I woke up yesterday with a different outlook on all of this. Because I don't have even two more weeks to play around with this shit. The way I have been losing weight, I would be 75lbs in a couple weeks. If I even made it there. My kids would have to be without their mom, my mother without her daughter, and the love of my life without a partner.
I'm not saying that it's over just like that. Fuck no. I'm going to have my struggles. Just like I have been having for months. I might slip, but I can get back up. Eating for the past two days has been extremely overwhelming, and I still feel like I want to throw up, or take a couple laxies. But I'm resisting it. I haven't ate out at all. Been eating healthy food at home and controlling how much and telling myself when I need to stop. I already feel refreshed, and everyone around me seems to be pleased, so that's a plus. I also haven't been wearing as much makeup as I was before. And just if anyone is curious, I did have my very dear friend fix my hair. It's about 6 inches shorter in some places, but you know what, it's a new me. This is the person I'm starting to become all over again. I'm looking forward to Christmas and spending it with everyone that I love. And I'm looking forward to starting a new year. 2012 has been a horrible year, but we will save that for another post.
This isn't impossible. Your eating disorder doesn't have to control you. You have to find the willpower to get up and fight. I gathered the tools to do this while in treatment, and now it's time to use them. And you can too. Don't let yourself get to your rock bottom to realize that your eating disorder is killing you. You don't have to suffer alone. There is always someone that can relate to you (hint, hint.) Get up on your two feet and punch Ana (or ED) in the face. Take no more of their shit. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and get to spend it with those that you love. Much love.
XOXO Katie