Day 23

So tomorrow is my last day. Tonight's my last night in the house with all the girls. I feel a sense of relief, but also sadness. I have gotten to know so many of these wonderful girls, and have created friendships with all of them. But I am so happy that I have this chance to move forward with my life. My treatment team was sceptical about me leaving too early, but I am very confident in where I'm at in my recovery. I know that my eating disorder hasn't completely gone away, because I still struggle everyday with little thoughts here and there. But the difference now than before is that I am well aware of my thoughts and not turning them into behaviors. I have found so much meaning in life. I can't wait til a month from now and see how much more I've improved. I still find certain things triggering, but for the most part, I avoid them. I now know that I don't have less than a year to live and I can move on and see my boys grow up. I am excited to know that I can have my hobbies back. Hobbies that I have avoided for the past two years because of my eating disorder. Even though I have lived with Ana for 12 long years, I know that I am stronger and I WILL overcome this. I will beat statistics, and I will prove people wrong, and I will show them all that I have the willpower to fight back. I am getting more energy. I'm reconnecting with old friends. Everything seems to be looking up from here. I know that there might be slips every now and then, but I know now that if I have a slip, that I can turn it around and not go back into a relapse. I always used to think that I could do this on my own. That I didn't need to come to treatment, and even though I've had moments since I got here where I thought I didn't belong in such an intensive program, I'm so thankful that I've stuck with it. I have gathered so many skills that will be extremely helpful for me in the future. I've made friendships that I hope will last a life time. Being in a structured environment has been so beneficial for me. But now I can use that structure that I've had here, and transfer it into my everyday life. I have meals planned out, I have a grocery list that I will use when I go to the store this weekend. I've made all my appointments with my therapist, doctor, and dietitian for the next two weeks. I'm moving forward with my life. Another thing that I am going to do within the next week is take all of my "skinny" clothes, and cut them all up. Or maybe start a fire with them lol. I honestly can't believe how much these past 3 weeks have changed my perspective on every aspect of my life. I can finally see my future without Ana in it. She's not in charge anymore. I am. This is MY life and I deserve to live it to it's full potential. I know that some friendships may not survive my recovery, but for the most part, I believe everyone is on board for me to recover. I will most definitely miss this place, and the wonderful treatment team I had, and the friendships I've made. But I know that I have a purpose to serve for God and I need to fulfill that. And I WILL fulfill that. I'm not even sure what that purpose is at the moment, but I will when the time comes. I want to thank all of you who have been following my blog and all the love and support I've gotten from everyone. Having the extra support does help. Much love.
XOXO Katie