Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Time to refocus

Ever since I have been back from treatment, I feel like I have been a walking zombie. It's no doubt all the medication I am on. My heart is happy, my life is happy, but on the outside, people keep wondering if there is something wrong with me. I don't like being in this state of mind. Plus lately, all I can think about is failure. What if I mess up? What if I end up losing weight instead of putting it back on? In reality, I know that isn't true. Me jeans are getting tighter and my face is filling out a lot more. Normally, this would have made me happy. To show me that I am moving in the right direction. But the last few days, all I can think about is me getting fatter. I need to refocus right now before I slip back into my eating disorder. I've decided that I am slowly going to start taking myself off of one of my anti anxiety medications since I know that was a huge difference they made while I was in treatment. I see my doctor tomorrow, and of course I will talk to him about it. But I just feel like I'm falling backwards. I can't let that happen. I am no doubt over 100lbs by now. But why does this number freak me out all of a sudden? Just a few weeks ago, I was ready for 110lbs. I just feel like Ana's voice is getting louder again. I need it to stop. I'm still eating well and according to my meal plan, but now it just feels like an obligation for me. I don't really feel like eating, but I do it because I know that my body needs it. But that isn't enough. I have to want this. I think taking myself off of some of my medications and taking time to myself each day is what I need. I also want to take time to spend with God more. Even if it's 20 minutes a day in prayer, or reading a chapter out of the Bible, I feel like my relationship with God needs to grow. I feel He is the one who will help pull me out of the rubble of my eating disorder and put me back on top. I haven't had any relapses, or any slips, minus that small one in the hospital, but I can't help but think about whether or not I am going to fail. There is so much I could lose if I slip back into my eating disorder. Right now I feel like I need to be on my best behavior seeing as I just got out of treatment. I feel like everyone expects me to be doing awesome and totally recovered. But right now, I feel like I'm still living with it. Maybe I always will too? I know that body image is one of the last things to go, but I'm so ready to be happy with the way I look and not always worry about whether a picture of me came out looking good or not. I'm beautiful in my own way, and to many people, so maybe I should just focus on that. I am not like anyone else. I am my own individual and I am beautiful in the way God made me. Yep, that's going to be my mantra for the day. Sorry for the long rant. Much love.
XOXO Katie

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