Recovery is hard

I guess I didn't anticipate recovery being so difficult. This past week has been particularly hard. I can't seem to figure out why I'm having such a hard time. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I feel uncomfortable eating. Last week when I went to the doctor, I was up 3lbs since I've left treatment. I was so proud of myself. But my ED has been loud and telling me that I'm just getting fatter each day. I went to the OB today and got weighed... I lost a pound from last week. I'm back down to 97lbs. I am so disappointed in myself. How can I let this happen when I've been doing so good? I haven't been purging or using laxies, but I've been cutting back at meals and skipping my snacks. I just feel out of my body. Like I'm watching myself get bigger and bigger. The last time I weighed close to this was at the beginning of June when I discontinued my other blog. I still have people commenting on that blog, but I don't go and read the posts because I find them too triggering. Looking back and realizing that I would go an entire day eating only 300 calories is hard to comprehend. I know that I eat way more than that in a day now, and it doesn't affect me like it used to, but certain things do still scare me when it comes to calories. Last night we went to the buffet for T's dad's birthday and I feel like I overdid it. Well my eating disorder tells me that I ate too much. In reality, I probably ate what I'm supposed to at dinner. I know one of the things that is steering me a bit away from recovery is going back to old routine with the kids and appointments. I have 3-5 appointments for me a week and 1-2 appointments for my oldest a week. His dad is being very absent in his life, so I've been working on his behavioral problems by myself. But I am loving having him in Kindergarten. He has been learning so much and so fast since the start of the year. Since parent/teacher conferences happened while I was in treatment, I had one with his teacher today where we went over his testing from the beginning of the year, and all the progress he has made. She is already talking about moving him up a reading level. And his math level is that of a 1st grader. It makes me proud of him and proud of myself that the work I've been doing with him since I got back is working out well. He is a big stress in my life, but I know that at the end of my recovery, I will be able to be fully aware of my surroundings and how to help those around me. I know the my ED voice is stressing T out as well, so I've been trying to keep it to myself. Some days are easier than others. He still continues to call me beautiful several times a day, and when my ED talks to him, he makes me aware of it. After my appointment this morning, I made sure that I ate lunch and my afternoon snack. I just have to pull my head out of my ass and realize what I have to live for. I am going to finish dinner. Much love.
XOXO Katie