Talk about over controlling eating disorder thoughts. They have been constantly racing through my head all day. "Don't eat that. It will make you fat." "You know you want to purge your dinner because you most definitely at way too much." "Look at all these pictures of models and hate yourself even more." Yes, I have spent the last half hour looking at pictures of models because they are so gorgeous. Those girls in Playboy are freaking perfect and I hate it. Why can't I be perfect? I've been trying to keep myself distracted so I don't go into the bathroom and purge my dinner like my eating disorder wants me to. I saw my therapist today. She has so much faith in me that I will beat this and I don't have to engage in behaviors. But like T pointed out last night. I am engaging in behaviors when I eat my meals but don't eat the amount of calories I need to. And in my eyes, I feel like I ate way too much dinner but in his eyes, he said I barely ate anything. He went back to work after dinner and being here alone with just my oldest is so very tempting. But I haven't given in yet. I went to my first support group since I left treatment last night. It was nice to be able to talk to other girls struggling and my best friend is also in that group, so that was nice. I also hung out with her for a few hours today and we got to have a deep conversation for the first time in a long while. I've missed her. I am doing grocery shopping tomorrow and for the first time in a long time, I am feeling high anxiety about it. I feel like I need to do a grocery list and actually stick to it so I don't have a major freak out at the store tomorrow. I've found myself looking at the calories on things again, but not really letting it affect whether I eat it or not. I just feel like I need to know how many calories are in it. So I think I am going to go and do my grocery list so I can avoid having that anxiety attack tomorrow. Have a good night.
XOXO Katie
Katie honey, those models are "perfect" because they are airbrushed and have plastic surgery to look like that. I can guarantee you that if you caught them offguard, with NO make up, NO photoshop, you could find flaws. Just like you can find flaws with everyone. EVERYONE is imperfect somehow. Embrace your imperfections, they are what make YOU, YOU. <3 you!
ReplyDeleteHang in there Katie, you have come so far and I know you don't want to go back to your old life.
ReplyDeleteSending you hope, faith, courage and love x
Persevere my dear katie, you are like a beacon of light to me. You have been through so so much yet you are fighting everyday and not giving up... dont concede too much ground to the ed.. once she gets her foot in the door she can easily just barge up into your life so please please please dont let it happen. You can fight this and you are doing so well to keep yourself distracted and I am so so glad T is there to support you and point out these things.. sometimes our own perspectives get distorted. Evil evil evil magazines! Dont look at them, they perpetuate images that are nigh on impossible for the general populace to attain. You are perfect my dear.. Thank you for giving me so much hope. x
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong and finding good ways to cope with your struggles that will get you through those hard times. Just keep going, you've come this far on your own feet, be proud! Those photoshopped pictures that trigger us are beautiful to watch at but so is Picasso. Or Barbie. They're both represent spoofs of humans, you don't want to be a spoof, do you? You want to be the perfect version of you, and that's who you are at every moment. Take care, xx
ReplyDelete