Thursday, December 6, 2012
I have done it again... Triggering
Well first off let's start with my appointments I had today. Last week when I saw my dietitian, I was up two pounds than I was today. Yeah, I've lost 2lbs in one week. I was hoping that I was at least maintaining. But the restricting is probably playing a part in it. "No shit it's the restricting. You might as well mention the purging as well." Sigh... Yes, I did it. I can't be anymore disappointed in myself than I am right now. It just happened. I was overcome with Ana and I wasn't myself anymore. I got up from that table and just walked to the bathroom in a daze, fully aware that I wasn't Katie, I was Ana. It was so easy. It's like it hasn't been long at all since the last time I stuck my fingers down my throat. But I can't go backwards. I can't let this happen after I eat every time, or I'm going to keep drastically losing weight. My dietitian wants me to research the health risk factors of being under 90lbs. She said that she wants me to at least maintain between today and our next appointment, but she said that I might go back down again. I had to sign my contract with her today saying that I won't skip appointments, I will try to manage over 1,000 calories a day and I will do my research. So now I have homework for my therapist and dietitian. I should probably get on top of that. And go start dinner. Sorry for a scattered post. I hope everyone is doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie
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Maintaining is a lot easier for our heads to accept, well at least compared to trying to manage gaining.
ReplyDeleteThink of this as a small blip, it doesn't have to happen every time now just because you've slipped. I believe you can get through this and I know you have the strength to.
I would hate to see you get any worse hon, keep fighting contact me if you need.
Love you, stay strong xx
My poor girl, I wish I could give you a big comforting hug :( Stay strong, you are beautifull and kind and such a lovely person inside too.
ReplyDeleteLots of love sweetie
Breathe~
Oh darling don't lose heart you are so wonderful and you are stronger than you think.. I love you x
ReplyDeleteI know you can do it. You are so much stronger than Ana. And you're doing so amazing on this journey. Take care, Xxxx
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you still have yourself and your reason even through ana. I'm glad you can see through her lies. It sounds like you like your dietitian too which is good. I noticed alot of doctors stop seeing you as a person when you struggle with things like eating disorders.
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