Why do I buy things that I know I will not eat? Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I'm convinced that I will just stop caring and eat it. Like the damn chocolate muffins that now sit in my pantry. What was I thinking? Everything I bought for me was based on the calories. I haven't been this bad in months. I got 30cal almond milk for cereal that I probably won't allow myself to eat. It's been entirely too long since I've had breakfast. My meal plan is stuck to my fridge. But Ana ignores it every time I open the door. I also bought pumpkin baking mix to make pumpkin bread that everyone else will eat but I won't touch. As I stand there pulling things off the shelves and looking at the calories of every item, people pass me and look at me like I have a huge sign on my back that says "Anorexic." Not saying that I don't judge as well. If I see a really skinny girl in the grocery store, I automatically look in her basket. If she has things like me, then I assume she has an eating disorder as well. I actually had these two ladies pass me in the store today as I was admiring calories and one whispered to the other, "Yeah, like she needs to be counting calories." I find comments like that rude. Don't assume that I read the nutrition labels on things to amount up to a superficial standard of skinny. This goes way deeper than that. I need to amount up to my standards. Unfortunately those are usually impossible to reach, but I'll try anyway. This is killing me. Not only physically, but emotionally as well. I want nothing more than to wake up in the morning and my eating disorder be gone. Something I don't have to dwell on every moment of the day. Today is just a rough day, and I'm not even sure why. It's almost 2pm and I have had nothing to eat. This restricting is getting out of hand again and I can't afford to go back down to 84lbs. And the last time I weighed myself, I was only 9lbs away from that. I have my family and kids to think about. I wish it was that easy. I wish that every time I went to go eat something that my thoughts were on what I could lose in life instead of the amount of calories the food has in it. I've been trying to listen to my recovery CD in efforts of making myself feel better, but that's not working. I just want to sleep until my eating disorder has vanished. Time for me to go get my son from school. Hope everyone is doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie
I'm sorry today is such a heavy battle and you are struggling. This is no way to be living, try to manage something small -though I know how difficult even that can be. Maybe not focus on the things you cannot eat, but instead on the things you can and feel safe?
ReplyDeleteRecovery is worth it, you are worth it. Keep fighting darling even if it's just getting through this day. All my love to you xx
So sorry you're having a rough day :( I think it might be this time of year too... I don't know. But I'm really sorry things aren't looking up for you. Get together with a friend to talk maybe?
ReplyDeleteI'm for sure at an ultimate low as far as ED taking over everything. I can't STAND myself or my body or food or anyone, really. It's truly taking over where as before I had my life and then I had ED. No boundary anymore.
I had to delete my blog because I have a feeling my roommates found it as a result of me leaving it up on my computer the other day. Sigh. Just wanted to let you know, I'll still be lurking around.
Thinking about you, don't give up on yourself, it's not too late to turn things around <3
I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time of it. I hope things get better for you. I think they will.
ReplyDeleteI wish that you could be free of this. I know it's hard. But hang in there. I hope you're well. xx
ReplyDeleteHey dear, I know what you mean, I bought trail mix from the supermarket convinced that I would be doing some healthy snacking (binge prevention), but it is still sitting there because it is too high in cals. I read labels at the supermarket too, but I don't think people notice me because I'm not skinny, and anyway I could be checking nutrition or if it's vegetarian for all they know.
ReplyDeleteKeep going hun, things will get better <3
Alice xx
Just stay strong Katie and take it one day at a time! <3!
ReplyDeleteYour post brought tears to my eyes :( It was so sad to read that your having such a bad time xx
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me a lot of the last chapter of Marya Hornbacher's memoir "Wasted," where she talks about how she simply can't afford to have an eating disorder; she can't just do a little restricting on the side, because she'll die. And how she thinks about restricting and purging every single day. She says those thoughts will always live with you, but they get easier to ignore as time passes.
ReplyDeleteKeep your pretty little chin up and stay strong.
you are such a strong person. recovery is a very hard process and you are so brave
ReplyDeleteI remember last year (once upon a time when I had money) I would do the exact same thing, piling food in my basket that i dont eat - maybe cos I was craving it at the time or whatever, but it would mount up without me noticing and then result in a massive binge - totally self destructive. Now that Im more aware of my ever depleting money Im more careful with what I buy, still ,as ever, meticulously checking calories.
ReplyDeleteI think you are an amazing person and I love reading your blog and comments, you are so strong and lovely <3
Lots of love
Breathe~
Whenever someone makes a rude comments about me reading a nutrition label I make a comment back about how I have diabetes or a failing liver (whatever I think of, none of it true) and they usually shut the hell up. Just because someone may be correct in thier assumptions doesn't mean they should voice them. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time:(
ReplyDelete