Saturday, December 15, 2012

Why do I do that?

I set myself up for failure before I even give myself a chance. As I am making my lunch, my thoughts were, "Why are you making this when you know you're going to want to purge afterwards?" That was my thought as I was ordering dinner last night as well. T is right, I do lack the will-power to beat this thing. My eating disorder has won for so long because I don't have enough fucks to give. I gave in this time, but it's not happening again. Ana, this shit is over. I DO NOT enjoy throwing up my food. I DO NOT enjoy the pain of my throat burning after I purge. I DO NOT love Ana anymore. She is not my friend, she is my enemy. She is pushing everyone in my beautiful life away from me, and loving every moment of it. I can't do this anymore. If I want my life back, if I want to be around for my children, if I want to live a full life, Ana's got to pack up and hit the road.
I want to apologize to everyone that has been affected by me and my eating disorder. I know I've said this many times over, but for everyone that has stuck by my side through this terrible time, thank you. The amount of support I have received, especially over this past year, has been incredible. I haven't been in this alone like Ana has made me believe. I truly to have people that love me and I couldn't see it as clear as I do now. Treatment was my first step towards recovery. And then I had a relapse. Today is my second step towards recovery. I'm not saying that it's over from here on out, because all of us know it isn't that easy, but I'm making another move towards a better life. I hate myself for what I've done to all those I love and all those who love me. But that's the end of it. I'm done hating myself for every little thing, even things I can not control.
From this moment on, I am going to try to not look so negatively at things. If I do, then again, I'm setting myself up for failure. Thank you again for reading. I love you all. Much love.
XOXO Katie
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6 comments:

  1. Ruby TuesdayDecember 15, 2012 at 12:43 PM

    You can do this Katie, I just know you can
    I have every faith in you
    Ana won't be happy until you are dead
    Don't become another statistic

    Stay strong

    Love to you x

    ReplyDelete
  2. J (:December 15, 2012 at 2:32 PM

    I am so glad that you aren't giving into Ana. That you are fighting it and that you will win. I know you can do it. I believe in you. Stay strong.
    Take care.
    Just take it one day at a time, one meal at a time. It gets easier. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousDecember 15, 2012 at 7:06 PM

    This post sounds really positive, I am so happy that you are done hating yourself because you deserve to be loved. I really hope you can love and accept yourself Katie, and I think that is the way to recovery.
    You can do this dear, never give up!
    Alice xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. December 16, 2012 at 5:35 AM

    <3 I knew the sun would be on the horizon, you just have to wait for it through every night.
    You are doing great, and we all believe in you.
    Love you, keep fighting my dear for all those good days. xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Waiting On EternityDecember 16, 2012 at 2:09 PM

    Sending you so much love <3 You're such a beautiful woman, soul, mother! I respect you so much for having the courage to express how you are feeling and share such heart ache with us all! <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Loopy LucieDecember 17, 2012 at 6:51 AM

    I feel your pain and frustration. I am in the same position. Just made up my lunch to just purge afterwards. Its so frustrating and I wish I could beat this ED. Much Love and we WILL beat ana/mia one day - I promise :) xx

    ReplyDelete

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