This is it. The last day of 2012. Probably by far, the worst year I've had in a long time. My first post on my other blog was on January 18th of this year. Reading through the posts on there and the ones on this blog, it's hard for me to determine whether or not if I have made any progress. When I started out 2012, I was 128lbs. My new years resolution was to get to 125lbs by the end of the year. The reason why I made such a short goal was because of all the years I've lived with my eating disorder, I have never been one to lose weight easily. It all happened so fast. The restricting and purging had some so easy this time.
In this year, I have gone from one side of the weight spectrum to the other. My lowest weight before I went to treatment in September was 84.6lbs. By the time I left there at the beginning of October, I was up to 95lbs. Then I got up to 98lbs. And now here I am, the last day of the year and my last known weight was 89.8lbs. Last weekend was a huge wake up call for me. And from last Sunday until a couple days ago, I was going everyday eating "normally" and not counting calories. Then I got sick and I have barely ate for the past two days. I literally slept all day yesterday. And then beat myself up because I felt lazy and didn't do shit besides lay around. I'm pretty sure I know why, but not 100% sure. Saturday night I took 3 of my Clonazapam at once. I'm only supposed to take one as needed. Which used to be 1 like every other day. But I have found myself taking 1 or 2 and then smoking a bowl just to calm my anxiety. My anxiety has been so high this past week. I have a doctor appointment in 45 minutes to get prescription refills, and of course to get weighed.
So moving on to 2013... I am not going to make a "resolution" so to speak. I am going to make a whole new me. A me that my kids and family will love. A me that will make new friendships, and mend old ones. I am starting out with redecorating our house. Putting in positive and loving things that will create a loving home. So here are my "resolutions....."
*I will eat dinner with my family and not let those negative thoughts ruin dinner
*I will reach a healthy weight so I will be able to work out and have it not kill me
*I will not let anymore negative people in my life
*I will stop letting people walk all over me
*I will start using my voice
*I will stop referring my eating disorder to Ana, it doesn't deserve a persona
*I will find new interests
*I will find different ways to cope with stress instead of restricting and purging
*I will be there 100% for my family and kids
*I will make new friendships and mend the old ones that ever meant anything to me
*I will own up to my mistakes and stop blaming them on my eating disorder
I know this sounds like a lot, but I've got an entire year, right? I hope everyone has a great new year and spend it with the ones you love. Also, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much, but I will get back to it right away. Stay strong and beautiful. Much love.
XOXO Katie
You can do it! Those don't seem like a lot, but I know how hard they can be. You are definitely strong enough to accomplish them! I'm so proud of you. I mean, I know I only started following you in like October, but you have been amazing since then. You can definitely beat your Eating Disorder, and get healthy! (:
ReplyDeleteStay strong Xxxx
They are great resolutions Katie and you have a whole year to meet them
ReplyDeleteI believe in you Katie and I know that you want this so badly and that is half the battle
I have so much faith in you and I just know that you will win the battle against anorexia
Stay strong
Believe in you
Take care of you x
Been reading your blog from time to time . . . though I don't talk about it on my blog, I'm currently suffering from "eating disorders," but like I said, I don't talk about them - it's embarrassing! Your New Year goals sound good. Just don't get overwhelmed by them.
ReplyDeleteThose sound like lovely goals for the year, Katie! I wish you and your family and loved ones all the very best for 2013.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, sweetie. And just a note on when you said "A me that my kids and family will love.": your kids and your family love you unconditionally. You don't have to earn their love. But you can prove to them how strong you are in this New Year :)
xx