Went and saw my dietitian this morning. We talked about how I am extremely dehydrated due to the fact that I'm only drinking my coffee in the morning and a cup of tea at night. I am terrified of gaining that water weight. Plus water is gross. I suppose I could drink more tea, but I would need to expand my collection. I don't have very many flavors. I was also weighed at the beginning of my appointment. Down another pound. Which puts me at 90lbs. I had a bad day on Saturday. Purged both the meals I ate. Yesterday I only ate once, and pretty much restricted my amount. Only to turn around and eat chocolate. Stupid, stupid sweets. I'm going to lose everything, aren't I? The love of my life, my kids, my support team, my family. All because of my eating disorder. If people don't walk away from me, then they are going to bury me.
NO!!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT! IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN LIKE THAT. I'M ONLY 23 YEARS OLD. I CAN NOT BECOME ANOTHER STATISTIC!
Alright, that feels a bit better. After my appointment, my youngest had his speech/behavioral evaluation. Keep in mind that he will be 2 next month and I have had concerns about his speech being behind. So they told me that he has the speech of a 15-month old, so he will be seeing a speech therapist once a week, and he is also behind on his cognitive and fine motor skills, so he will be seeing a developmental therapist twice a month. I'm not trying to sound terrible, but I have so much shit on my plate with the boys. This Thursday I go down to Denver to get the results from my oldest's evaluation from Friday. Between all the appointments I have for him each week, and my appointments, now I'm adding more to my plate. I will do everything it takes for my kids to have the future they deserve. So far this week I have a total of 6 appointments, but I haven't even made my therapy or DBT appointments for the week.
Tonight, my oldest was in his room crying for about a half hour because I would give him some of the "chocolate drink" I made earlier. He was throwing things at the door at me, and punching the door and screaming his head off. This hasn't happened in awhile. Both the boys have just been really clingy lately and I'm not sure why. T says it's because they can tell that I'm going downhill again and not feeling myself. That's probably it. Well I'm just rambling now. Have a good night everyone. Much love.
XOXO Katie
Try not to beat yourself up Katie
ReplyDeleteThis journey will have ups and downs and slips are all part of recovery
Just take it one day at a time or even one meal at a time
Be gentle with yourself
Be kind to yourself
You deserve it
Stay strong
Love you x
My brother had delayed speech and couldn't really speak at all when he was a little one yet now he won't shut up! Don't worry too much :-) xx
ReplyDeleteI hope things settle down for you, no added stressors of any kind are fun to deal with.
ReplyDeleteI suppose there is some comfort in knowing it would just be water weight gained and not fat, but I know that's not how we see it. It's the number that means everything. Anyhow simply staying hydrated can help loads.
Peace for you this week, and much love xx
It does sound like you have a lot on your plate, but keep your head up. Think of all the reasons why gaining weight or at least not losing it is good. You can do it. You're incredibly strong.
ReplyDeleteYour little boys sound so sweet ^_^ Just from hearing about them on here.
Much love, Take care. Be careful. Xxx
You won't lose everything at all; you just need to stay strong and take each day at a time. You won't be another statistic and you WILL overcome this :) Because you're a very strong person Katie <3 xxx
ReplyDeleteDon't be to concerned about your boy. Every child learns at their own pace, and while we have "milestones" to moniter their progress most children will do just fine. I knew a girl who couldn't read till she was 10, but after she learned she caught up to her age groups reading level within less than a year!
ReplyDeleteMaybe get some MIO, it makes water taste good and it is 0 calorie so you won't feel bad about drinking it. Some "pro ana" tips are to put a stop sign on the fridge to keep you from eating. Perhaps you could put a stop sign on the toilet to keep you from purging. (maybe even a pic of your kids in the bathroom) Do you plan out your meals the day before? It's so much less stressful to eat if you've planned it out and gotten yourself used to the idea first.
Hey, it sounds like you have been really busy Katie, but I'm sure you can get it all done. I agree with the above comments, try not to stress too much about your boy just yet. I think drinking more water is a good idea, or tea of you prefer, I keep heaps of different flavours of tea in the house for some variety. It's important to keep hydrated :)
ReplyDeleteYou can get through this darling, remember to take care of yourself. Good luck this week, I hope it all works out well for you and your boys <3
Alice xx
Whoa. That's so much. I hope it's going okay. Or better now. I hope you can pace yourself. You're working hard and trying. That counts for a lot. :)
ReplyDelete