Long update

My therapist really pushed me to my limits today. It was needed. I've been needing a reality check, and it was good that she was the one who gave it to me. First off, I spent most of the appointment talking about everyone else and the problems they're going through. Which she pointed out to me. I was spending "my" time worrying about everyone but me. But the point to where she had me crying was when she asked me, "what would happen if you did let your eating disorder kill you?" I told her that my boys wouldn't have me. Then she prodded a bit more and I went into deep detail about how my oldest wouldn't get the care he needs for his issues because his father doesn't give two shits about it. That he would end up with no friends and a shut in. His dad is the same way. He wouldn't give him the opportunity to grow into a wonderful man that I know he could be. My mother wouldn't have me there for her. I have been so worried about her lately because she is sick, but she canceled her follow up doctors appointment. My therapist asked me how I felt about it and I said sad. Then she pointed out that, that is probably how everyone else feels when it comes to me. It's not that I don't give a shit about what happens if I die, but I'm just not scared of death. This whole conversation had me in tears, and she even shed some herself. I'm relapsing. But instead of her being upset with me, she is quite understanding. She said it's a part of recovery. That I had all this ambition when I first got out of treatment and then fell flat on my face when I didn't have all the "babysitting" I had while in treatment. I went back down to Denver today to get the final diagnosis on my oldest. That was quite overwhelming as well. So when he sees his therapist and psychiatrist next week, we will be discussing a lot about different meds and treatment for him. I tried talking to his dad about it this evening, he didn't seem too interested. This is so frustrating. I am doing everything I can for him, and his dad is pretty much just my babysitter when I need him (sometimes.)
So I went to the library the other day and got a couple books to do some research. One on Borderline Personality Disorder, one on how to stop self mutilation, and an anxiety workbook. I will work through those once I'm finished with this one my dietitian gave to me. This one has me pretty wrapped up and taking a lot of notes. I will also be calling my doctor tomorrow and discuss with her about doing testing for Osteoporosis. It's been brought up by a couple of people lately, so I should probably get on that.
As far as my eating disorder goes lately. I'm trying to get through each day staying under 500cal. Anything above that right now scares the shit out of me. Purging is often. Crying over something small is often. It's almost 8:30pm and I've had 340cal so far. And 140 of that was a stupid, stupid piece of fudge. Damn it. I don't even know why I made it. Just to get fat off of or what? Right now in the book I'm reading, I am supposed to be writing a list of my irrational beliefs when it comes to food, weight, body, and eating. My list is pretty long so far, and I'm not even close to done. Maybe in my next post, I will write it out, because I bet a lot of you struggle with the same beliefs. Well I'm off to get a couple things done. It's been so cold here lately and I just want to climb under the blankets with my heating pad. Have a wonderful night/day everyone. Much love.
XOXO Katie