So much anxiety

Today was a pretty decent day,
I spent the whole morning shopping,
And got 4 really cute dresses.

But for some reason,
I can't upload the pictures,
From my camera to the PC.

When I figure it out,
I'll post the pictures,
I got one pink and black,
A pink one, a white one, and a gray and blue one.

They are all so adorable,
Now the weather needs to warm up,
So I can wear them.

But now my anxiety is through the roof,
Because tonight we are doing family dinner,
And going out to a buffet.

I'm so nervous about it,
So much food,
And so many prying eyes.

I know I won't be able,
To keep the food down,
And that's disappointing.

Yesterdays weight was not a mistake,
I got on the scale this morning,
And my weight is still 95lbs.

My laxie amount is going up,
Yesterday was 12,
And I still didn't go to the bathroom.

It's very frustrating,
That I have to,
Keep taking more and more.

I think I'm going to wear,
One of my dresses,
Out to dinner tonight,
If the wind calms down.

I hope you're all doing ok,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

3lbs?!?!?!

I am not sure what happened,
But my weight went down,
3lbs.

I checked, then double checked,
And the scale kept reading,
95.2lbs.

I mean I'm not complaining,
I just wish I felt it.
Instead of feeling like a fat cow.

I hate how I feel this way,
Even on days when I've dropped,
Like a miserable fat lard.

I want to take a minute,
To say thank you to Calla,
And Tam for responding,
To my pen pals post.

I'm excited now,
To meet new people,
And make new friends.

Anyway, I'm gonna rest my head,
I've got a pounding migraine.
I hope you're all doing well.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Pen pals?

Hi ladies,
I've been thinking,
I know, dangerous :D

But I would love to have a pen pal,
One that we can not only exchange letters,
But packages as well.

I would love someone,
From a different country than me,
And I would love to get started this week.

In my new revision of my life,
I want to make new friends,
Or get to know some old ones.

Please tell me that one of you,
Is interested in doing this with me.
Please, Please, Please :D

Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Hospital visit

So yesterday I made ramen for lunch,
I knew I was going to purge it,
But it just sounded too good to pass up.

While in the bathroom purging,
I started having chest pains,
And there was blood in my vomit.

With the chest pains,
I thought I was having,
Another heart attack.

So I drove myself to the hospital,
They did an EKG and had me
Hooked up to a heart monitor.

Then they did an ultrasound,
And that's where they found out,
I had tore a hole in my esophagus.

They gave me some fluids,
Some pain meds,
And this numbing medication,
That I had to swallow.

They sent me home with the numbing stuff,
And want me to take it
For the next week.

The hole wasn't big enough,
To need stitches,
Thank God.

They told me to be on liquids,
For the next few days,
Which for the most part,
I think I can handle.

I did have cereal for breakfast
This morning, which was painful,
And my throat is so sore.

I did gain a pound since yesterday,
But I'm blaming that on the fluids,
That they gave me through the IV.

Honestly, I don't know if this scares me,
Enough to quit the purging,
Which is a sad realization.

I feel like Ana has her hands,
Tightly wrapped around my throat,
And she won't stop squeezing.

I feel like I'm stuck again,
In this vicious cycle,
Of my eating disorder behaviors.

Do you think this would scare you,
To stop your eating disorder behaviors?
To stop the things you do every day?

I would love to hear from you,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Addiction

I was reading J's blog,
And she was talking about addiction,
To laxatives.

I, myself have dealt with this addiction,
For almost 2 whole years.

Over the course of the last year,
I am really seeing the repercussions,
Of the laxatives on my body.

If some of you remember,
We had a cancer scare,
Last summer.

I now solely depend on them,
To be able to go to the bathroom.

I'm taking anywhere between,
10-15 stimulant laxies a day.

I'm on two different meds,
For my abdominal pain a day.

With it being eating disorder awareness week,
I've been reading a lot of stats,
On eating disorders.

I've read that addiction to;
Drugs and alcohol coincide,
With having an eating disorder.

I am very lucky,
That I don't deal with,
Those kind of addictions.

I know that a lot of you ladies,
Have or had issues with other addictions.
And for that you have my prayers.

I've been told that,
The laxatives,
Will have lifelong effects on my body.

I wish my ex best friend,
Would have never introduced them to me.
But I can't blame her, it's my fault really.

What other addictions do you have?
Have you dealt with addiction in your past?
I'd love to hear your stories.

Lots of love,
XOXO Katie 

Cleaning house

Figuratively speaking,
I am cleaning house;
Of so called friends.

Yesterday a close "friend" of mine,
Ended our friendship,
Because she doesn't agree with my decisions.

It made me realize that,
My friends are dropping like flies.
And I can't do anything about it.

It just shows,
They weren't my friends,
To begin with.

So my first step in cleaning house,
Was I deleted like 60 people,
Off of my Facebook.

Then I went through my phone,
And deleted a ton of numbers.
Mostly people who've used me.

I'm fuckin over it,
I'm tired of having fake friends,
And I'm tired of being used.

So in other news,
It's eating disorder awareness week.
So I changed my profile pic on Facebook,
To the NEDA ribbon.

I asked other people to do the same,
Only two of my friends did so.
Which was sweet of them,

I just wish that eating disorders,
Got the awareness that they deserve.
People don't realize how serious the are.

I'm getting sick,
Thanks to my youngest,
Who gave T and I his cold.

I'm thinking of getting a PO Box,
So I can start writing and receiving mail,
From all of you beautiful ladies.

If you would like to be pen pals with me,
Shoot me an email,
That would be so exciting.

I hope you're all doing well,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

97lbs

I'm another pound down,
The scale read 97.2 this morning.
I'm not sure what I'm doing different,
But I'm not going to question it.

I had miss J over this weekend,
It was nice to spend some time with her.
She is quickly becoming my best friend,
I love that I can be myself around her.

Today has been a rough day,
The ed thoughts won't stop.
Even though the scale read lower,
I can't help but have a fat day.

I spent the day cleaning,
Hanging out with J for a bit,
And spending time with my mom.
She is up here for the day.

I don't have much else to say,
Hope you're all doing well.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

2lbs baby

That's right,
After yesterday,
I lost 2lbs,
That puts me at a beautiful 98lbs.

I was so ecstatic when I got on the scale,
I couldn't believe after almost two weeks,
The number finally budged,
And in the direction I wanted.

I'm still writing my thoughts down,
In my small journal ever chance I get.
It's filling up pretty fast though,
Which I suppose is a good thing, or bad?

Tonight is date night with T,
And I'm having a ton of anxiety;
Mostly because I'm starving,
But don't want to mess up my progress.

So something that you don't know about me,
Is that I have a slight addiction to scratch tickets.
Well I was playing a brand new one that just came out,
And I ended up winning 500 bucks on it!

So needless to say,
I'm treating T out to dinner and a movie.
He does so much for me,
That I just want to show him a little gratitude.

So far today my food intake has been 290,
My exercise has been 412,
Which makes my net;
-122cal for the day.

So dinner shouldn't be too much of a nightmare,
I'll allow myself to eat,
Also because I've taken 9 laxies today,
Which I know is terrible for me.

T and I went to the gym this morning,
There's this girl there,
I'll call her Blondie.
Wow is she perfect.

She is tall,
She is skinny,
She has perfect hair,
And a perfect body.

Blondie was on the stair stepper when I arrived,
I got on the stride machine where I thought I was doing well.
Until she got on the stride machine a few down from me,
And was on there the rest of the 45min I was there.

She was going faster than me,
Burning way more calories than me.
But she's weird,
She was smiling the whole time she was on it.

I can't help but wonder if she is "like me"
But how do you approach someone,
That you suspect might share an ed with you?
"Hey, are you anorexic too?"

Anyway, I am always watching Blondie,
She is everything that I want to be.
Or in a way, she kinda reminds me of;
The way that I see Ana in my head.

Maybe that is why I'm drawn to her.
Are there girls at your gym,
That you are constantly,
Comparing yourself to?

I hope this post finds you all well.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Empty; it feels great

This feeling of being empty;
I absolutely love it.
I started boiling water to eat Ramen,
Just so I could eat and purge.

Just as the water was boiled,
I walked to the stove,
Pulled the pot off and tossed the water;
Down the drain.

What's the point of eating,
Strictly just to purge it.
So now I'm sitting here empty,
Chain smoking and watching TLC.

I took my oldest to an intake;
To get him a new therapist.
I'm hoping this time it works out,
It's a male therapist.

I just got done watching;
The Anna Nicole movie again.
I love that movie,
It's such a sad movie though.

I don't know what I'm doing for dinner,
I'm not hungry.
But I can't wait for T to get home,
Because then we are going to the gym.

I haven't been to the gym since Monday,
I feel like such a lazy ass.
I'm going to work out hard today,
Make it worth losing some weight.

I hope you're all doing well.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Therapy

I saw my therapist today,
It was a good session.
She had me read a poem,
About change.

She asked me what stage,
Of change that I am in.
We decided that I am between,
Contemplation and Preparation.

Meaning I feel stuck,
But I know there is a problem.
She had me pick up a new journal,
And a daily planner.

This journal is to track every thought,
I mean, as soon as the thought strikes,
I write it down.
So far, I'm doing pretty good.

The daily planner is because she wants me to set goals,
On a week to week basis.
So within this next week,
She wants me to pick 1 day I won't purge.

Then she wants me to also track,
How many laxatives I take each day.
I can do this in both my journal,
And my daily planner.

I have terrible anxiety over the 1 day thing,
A whole day without purging,
Seems impossible;
Unless I just don't eat.
I know that defeats the purpose.

In other news;
My weight is still the same.
I purged 3 times last night,
Once today; only cuz I can't purge cereal.

I want my weight to change already,
I hate being stuck in a rut.
I hate that I am still a fat pig.

Thank you all for connecting with me,
After my last post.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Been working out

The last couple of days have been good,
I went to the gym twice yesterday,
Once by myself and once with T.

Despite going twice,
I still haven't lost any weight.
This is the longest I've been stuck.
But I know it's gotta change,
Sooner or later.

Then this morning,
T and I took 3 of our dogs for a walk.
That was nice,
Burned 170cal.

So my net for the day so far is 50,
And I am ok with that.
I downloaded MFP again,
Just so I can track what I'm burning.

I was reading Ruby's blog this morning,
And she made a great point.
Blogger has been very quiet,
As of lately.

Which makes me wonder,
How are all of you doing?
How are things going with your ed's?
Are you getting better, or worse?

The rest of my day will be uneventful,
My youngest has a hearing screening,
After he gets out of school.
I'll probably skip lunch;
Instead take a nap.

I've been very tired lately,
My laxies keep me up at night,
Which in turn makes me fall asleep,
At like 9 or 10 at night.

I gotta go to the grocery store,
Pick up some chicken and milk.
We go through milk like crazy,
In this house.

Please feel free to leave a comment,
Tell me how you're doing.
I'm quite concerned.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Apologies

Alright, so last night was a breakdown,
And I apologize for acting so harshly.
Despite all the food I ate,
I didn't gain any weight (thanks to laxies).

Today has been a little bit better,
I had my cereal,
Toast for lunch,
And a small piece of chicken for dinner,
Which I purged.

Oh I also had a cupcake,
But I  kept that down.
My laxie intake was 11 today.

Having my friend here last night,
And this morning was nice.
She helped ease my anxiety,
Plus I've missed hanging out with her.

I've got a lot accomplished today,
Filed T's paperwork,
Got some bills taken care of,
And spent some time with my youngest.

I made chicken cordon blu for dinner,
Had my best friend and T's dad over.
It's been a pretty calm evening.
Now it's time for walking dead.

I hope you all are doing well,
I'll post tomorrow.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

FUCK FUCK FUCK

The shame and guilt melt off of me,
Like the wax off of a burning candle.
I can't stand to look at myself,
I can't focus on anything else.

I ate all three meals today,
My cereal with milk (240cal),
Subway for lunch (600cal),
Two pieces of pizza for dinner (250cal).

That's a disgusting total of 1,090cal,
Oh my God I am freaking out.
The only thing purged is one piece of pizza,
And a total of 12 laxies today,
Which haven't started taking effect.

I went to the gym,
But only burned 260cal on the stride machine,
Which minus the one piece of pizza (125)
And my burned 260, puts me at;
705cal for the day.

This is why the weight isn't coming off,
This is why I'm stuck at 100.
My weight hasn't budged,
In an entire week.

I feel like the gym was a waste of time,
I feel like a gigantic whale.
I honestly don't care if it's Ana talking,
I am feeling miserable.

I took two Clonazapam,
To take the anxiety away.
They're not working either.
I'm on edge.

Now I feel like a raging bitch,
The Hulk; powerless to stop the negative outbursts.
I can't smile, I can't laugh,
I just want to crawl under a rock.

FUCK FUCK FUCK,
TOO MUCH FUCKING FOOD.
I AM A FAT FUCKING PIG.
THIS IS A MISERABLE FEELING.

100 and new tat

Today I weighed the same,

That God-awful scale reads 100,

Every single day; 100.

 

Today was a terrible day with my ED,

I ate my cereal with 1/3 cup milk,

Then I went to the gym.

 

I did that one Stride machine,

It's a mix between a stair stepper,

And an elliptical.

 

I fell in love with that machine,

As long as I read my book,

The time and calories burned just went up.

 

I burned 255cal in 30min,

I felt wonderful afterwards.

But then my best friend and I,

Went out for lunch.

 

I had a 6 inch sandwich,

And two fucking cookies.

I purged it all,

And then took 5 laxies.

 

Then for dinner I had half a salad,

And a chicken sandwich on a bun,

And purged that all.

And took 4 more laxies.

 

But in other news,

I went and got another ED tattoo.

One of the few places where I'm not tatted,

My lower back.

 

Yes I went and got a "tramp" stamp,

This tattoo makes 16.

They are so addicting.

Don't mind the nasty stretch marks,

But if you look closely,

The NEDA symbol is on both sides of the ribbon,

And purple ribbon obviously for ED's.

 

God, the more I look at this picture,

The more disgusted I am with my body.

I can't stand my love handles,

They look awful.

 

Well I'm about to go have my nightly ice cream,

And I am going to try my hardest not to purge it.

The laxies need some food to work with.

 

I hope this post finds you all well,

Lots of love,

XOXO Katie

 

 

Purging too much

I didn't weigh myself this morning,
Assuming that my weight stayed the same.
I woke up late,
Was rushed to get the kids to school.

I'm feeling huge today though,
And it doesn't help that I just ate,
270cal worth of chocolate ice cream.

It's kind of become my nightly ritual,
When I put the kids to bed,
I dig into my Ben and Jerry's ice cream,
And eat 1/4 pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

1/4 of a pint is 270cal,
Besides my breakfast,
It's the only thing that I keep down,
Except for tonight,
No I think I'll be purging my ice cream.

Yeah, I'm a failure,
Went and just purged.
And that all too familiar look from T,
Because he knows what I just did.

I hate letting him down,
I hate that I can't beat this.
I know I deserve better than that,
But I don't deserve to eat,
Or at least that's how I feel.

It seems like I'm being repetitive on here
I feel like my stats have gone down,
Because people are growing bored of reading,
And for that I am sorry.

XOXO Katie

Forgiveness

I was reading Lou Morales blog,
And she was talking about forgiveness.
I struggle with forgiveness,
In many different aspects.

Sometimes I forgive too easily,
Sometimes I don't forgive at all.
In either situation,
They probably don't deserve it.

Something I've done recently,
Is I forgave my brother,
For molesting me for two years,
When I was 7 years old.

It felt good to forgive him,
I felt that we could have a relationship,
Without all the sickening feelings,
And the uncomfortableness.

Did he deserve my forgiveness?
No, probably not.
But I felt that it needed to happen,
In order for both of us to move on.

But there are two people in my past,
That I have a hard time forgiving.
One would be my father,
And the other is RJ.

In my father's case,
I know that forgiveness needs to happen.
I know that in some way or another,
I need to have a serious talk with him.

I need to let him know,
Exactly it is that I am holding onto.
But it's so difficult to talk to him,
Without it starting a fight.

He takes everything so personal,
And I feel like we couldn't have a talk,
Without it sounding like I am blaming him,
For every bad thing that has happened to me.

Had he been the present father I needed,
I wouldn't have ended up with RJ.
I wouldn't have been raped numerous times,
And I probably wouldn't be so fucked up.

And as far as RJ goes,
I don't think he deserves my forgiveness.
I think he needs to know what he put me through,
He needs to suffer the way he made me for 3 years.

For 3 years he put me through hell,
He hit me, raped me, belittled me,
In private and in front of others.
And for that I feel he deserves to suffer.

A lot of the times when I watch Dexter,
I feel like that's how RJ needs to end up.
He needs to know what it's like,
To be tortured and belittled.

If I ever came to the decision to forgive him,
Would it make me feel better?
For some reason, I don't think so.
I think it would make him feel like what he did,
Was ok, and it wasn't.

I think what would make me feel better,
Is if I could confront him and make him listen.
How my dark passenger is always with me,
Because of what he put me through.

So to forgive is something that I need to work on,
And I think I need to do is write a letter to my dad.
That way he can see what I have to say,
Without thinking that I'm blaming.

And with RJ, I need to find him,
And I need to make him listen to me.
I wish it wasn't so hard to find him,
I mean, we live in a small enough town.

I'll probably update later,
For now I just needed to vent.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Anxiety and bloating

Although the scale read another pound down this morning,
It doesn't stop me from beating myself up all day.
I have felt bloated and like a blimp,
Since I first woke up this morning.

T was nice enough to stay home with my youngest,
While I went and got my nails and toes done.
That was relaxing for me,
I got to read a lot of one of my favorite books.

"In the water they can't see you cry."
It's written by Amanda Beard,
The American Olympic swimmer,
Who talks about her daily struggles.

She talks about dealing with bulimia,
alcoholism, and the pressures of being perfect.
Something that we can all relate to.

I've read the book before,
A couple of times.
But I always find myself coming back to it,
When I feel like I can't find anyone I can relate to.

I was reading another girls blog,
And she was talking about purpose and meaning.
She said something along the lines,
If we weren't here, the world will still continue without us.

I think this very though often,
About how Ana wants control,
And if she had it her way,
I wouldn't be here.

The world would still continue on without me,
The sun would still rise.
These are things she said,
But I can totally relate to what she is saying.

Thankfully I haven't let Ana have her way,
And I still wake up every morning.
I still make an effort to keep my eating,
Somewhat normal.

Although I spend most of the day,
Consumed in eating disorder thoughts.
She hasn't won the battle just yet,
I still can tell the difference between the two.

I am still Katie,
I am still a mom,
A fiancé,
A friend,
A daughter.

I am just all of those things with depression,
Anxiety and an intense eating disorder.
Oh my God, the anxiety has been terrible lately.
If my anxiety pills didn't make me so tired,
I would be taking them constantly.

It's only after I put the kids to bed,
That I feel comfortable enough to take them.
And even then, if I take them,
I have to limit myself to two.

In reality, it takes about 4 to take the edge off,
But then the next day I'm paying for it.
So I deal with the two I can take.

My friends did come over last night,
We did end up drinking.
She made these awesome blueberry martinis,
They were so yummy.

I did end up eating a whole bowl of chili,
But purged it three times.
My friend said to me that I look healthier,
And of course my disordered brain said,
"Yeah, you're looking plump these days."

I did end up weighing myself,
Even after I said that I wouldn't.
But to my surprise,
It read 100.

I'm only two numbers away from my goal,
Til I'm ok with my weight.
Two little numbers,
Hopefully it won't take much to get me there,
And to stay there,

I hope this post finds you well,
I love you all.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Doing much better

The scale did read a lower number
Not much, but still something,
101, and I'm ok with that,
Seeing as I ate a ton yesterday.

I haven't ate much today,
I had my bowl of cereal,
A granola bar and an orange.

We have friends coming over tonight,
And we are most likely going to drink,
So I probably won't weigh in tomorrow,
Just so I don't send myself into depression.

Other than Ana being around all the time,
Things seem to be going well.
T and I are doing wonderful,
And my youngest rocked his first week of school.

I got my taxes back yesterday,
Put some work into my car,
Paid 1,000 dollars on a credit card,
And then I went and played with some.

I bought myself a new computer,
Which I'm loving even when I thought I wouldn't.
I also bought a new nook,
Seeing as my last one came up missing.

We went to the gym this morning,
But my head has been fuzzy all day,
So I only did the bike,
And worked my legs and butt.

I'm excited for our friends to come over,
It's been a long time since we've seen them.
I'm making chili for them.
I'll probably eat a little.

T and I went on our date night last night,
I took him out to a steakhouse.
We got really shitty service,
But the food was fantastic.

Then we came home,
And watched a little bit of Dexter.
I don't know if anyone else watches the show,
But oh my God is it amazing.
Too bad it's all over now.

Thank you all for the "real" comments
On my last post.
I was definitely having a day with Ana,
And she was winning that day.

I hope this post finds you all well,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Stupid Gym

I'm gaining weight,
Like a pig waiting to be eaten,
102.6lbs, ugh.

T swears it's lean muscle,
From going to the gym so much,
But I don't want to go,
If it's going to make those numbers go up.

When I go I do 30 minutes on the bike,
Then I do the weight machines.
Legs, arms, abs,
And then I stretch.

I feel amazing when I go to the gym,
It makes me feel better about myself,
But then the next morning,
That number is burned into my brain.

So I have decided to steal Calla Lily's idea,
The one rule. One serving,
I like this idea,
Maybe it will keep me from getting fat.

I feel the need to restrict again,
Like the cow that I am;
I ate a McChicken from McDonalds today.

I absolutely hated myself after,
I tried to purge but I only got like a 4th of it up,
And now I'm making spaghetti for dinner.
And I will only have ONE piece of bread.

I am also cutting all drinks out of my diet,
Except for water and tea.
No more Sprite.
I drink entirely too much Sprite.

I'm tired of being this fat being,
It's time to do something about it,
And I'm starting with tonight,
I am almost done with my first liter of water,
Then it will be tea for the rest of the night.

I will be thin again,
I will love myself again,
And I will be sexy.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

I can't stop crying

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I didn't take my pills last night,
Because I went to a concert and forgot them at home.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I'm sick of being sick,
This constant nausea won't go away.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I went to the doctor yesterday,
And got absolutely no answers for my nausea.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because they are testing me again,
For Colon Cancer;
For the 2nd time in less than a year.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I know that this is all my fault,
That I've damaged my body because of Ana.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because the scale is being unfriendly,
I'm so embarrassed to even say the number.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I've lost the trust of a friend,
Because he hurt me and I don't know if I'll forgive him.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because a part of me wants my life to end,
Because it'd be easier than constantly being in pain.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I don't know who I am,
And I don't know if I'll ever find her.

Super Bowl=Food

GO BRONCOS!

 

Today is a big day for the state of Colorado.

Our football team made it to the Super Bowl.

So we are having a small Super Bowl party.

Which means a shit ton of food.

 

I weighed myself this morning.

The scale told me an ugly 101.

Miss Calla Lily told me it's probably just water weight,

I'm praying she's right.

 

I can't believe how much that number rules my life,

T and I had a discussion this morning about my ed,

And it made me feel so guilty.

I hate that my ed affects all the aspects of my life,

Including my relationship.

 

I'm pretty nervous about all the food today,

It's giving me an anxiety attack,

Which will probably result in Clonapan.

 

I've already had 250cal for breakfast,

About 350ca for lunch.

That's already an ugly 600cal for the day,

And we still have the Super Bowl food to eat.

 

I took 5 laxatives before lunch,

I'll take another 5 before I start making food.

I wish that I could kick them,

But I'm too dependent on them.

 

Thank you everyone for your kind words on yesterday's post,

My friend never did text me.

He got released from the hospital today according to his Facebook,

I'm happy for him, but sad that I've realized I don't matter.

 

I know that one of the reasons why he probably hasn't texted me,

Is because his girlfriend doesn't like me.

She's insecure in mine and his friendship,

Just like every other girl he's been with.

 

So no, this isn't the first time I've been blown off for a girl,

Not with him, or many of my other guy friends.

I don't understand it really,

I still try to keep my guy friends when I'm in a relationship.

 

Oh my God, I can't believe how fast my anxiety is creeping in,

Just over the few minutes of writing this post,

I'm in major freak out mode.

I don't want to eat anymore food today.

 

My mood has to improve or I'm going to ruin T's mood,

And I don't want him to be upset.

This is just something that I have to deal with,

By myself.

 

If you live in the states,

Make sure you're watching the Super Bowl.

GO BRONCOS!

Lots of love,

XOXO Katie

The text that will never come

I sit by my phone,
Patiently waiting for that text,
That is never going to come.

How do I know that?
Well because I'm the last person on his mind.
My friend that's been in the hospital,
I don't think I matter to him.

It's much like all my other friendships,
I don't really matter,
And it's ok to treat me like shit.

The weather outside fits my mood,
It's cold, dreary, and dark.
I woke up from my nap,
In a cranky mood.

I'm tired of feeling left out,
Like I'm the last one to matter.
I try so hard to get my friends to like me,
But for some reason,
I don't matter.

I want to write,
But I feel a lack of motivation.
I haven't wrote a decent poem,
In a few months.

Tonight I am feeling like shit,
This dam nausea won't go away.
I feel like I'm going to throw up,
Constantly.

And when I actually do,
It doesn't make me feel any better.
I felt nauseous all through dinner,
Purged; and still feel terrible.

I pray the doctor gives me some answers,
To tell me that I'm going to be ok,
Or that I've got some bug that's going to kill me.

I didn't weigh myself this morning,
Which is probably a good thing,
I probably wouldn't have liked,
What it would have had to say.

Thank you to all my new followers,
And to my old ones as well.
It really means the world to me,
That at least I have friends on here.

I hope this post finds you well,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie