Anxiety and bloating

Although the scale read another pound down this morning,
It doesn't stop me from beating myself up all day.
I have felt bloated and like a blimp,
Since I first woke up this morning.

T was nice enough to stay home with my youngest,
While I went and got my nails and toes done.
That was relaxing for me,
I got to read a lot of one of my favorite books.

"In the water they can't see you cry."
It's written by Amanda Beard,
The American Olympic swimmer,
Who talks about her daily struggles.

She talks about dealing with bulimia,
alcoholism, and the pressures of being perfect.
Something that we can all relate to.

I've read the book before,
A couple of times.
But I always find myself coming back to it,
When I feel like I can't find anyone I can relate to.

I was reading another girls blog,
And she was talking about purpose and meaning.
She said something along the lines,
If we weren't here, the world will still continue without us.

I think this very though often,
About how Ana wants control,
And if she had it her way,
I wouldn't be here.

The world would still continue on without me,
The sun would still rise.
These are things she said,
But I can totally relate to what she is saying.

Thankfully I haven't let Ana have her way,
And I still wake up every morning.
I still make an effort to keep my eating,
Somewhat normal.

Although I spend most of the day,
Consumed in eating disorder thoughts.
She hasn't won the battle just yet,
I still can tell the difference between the two.

I am still Katie,
I am still a mom,
A fiancé,
A friend,
A daughter.

I am just all of those things with depression,
Anxiety and an intense eating disorder.
Oh my God, the anxiety has been terrible lately.
If my anxiety pills didn't make me so tired,
I would be taking them constantly.

It's only after I put the kids to bed,
That I feel comfortable enough to take them.
And even then, if I take them,
I have to limit myself to two.

In reality, it takes about 4 to take the edge off,
But then the next day I'm paying for it.
So I deal with the two I can take.

My friends did come over last night,
We did end up drinking.
She made these awesome blueberry martinis,
They were so yummy.

I did end up eating a whole bowl of chili,
But purged it three times.
My friend said to me that I look healthier,
And of course my disordered brain said,
"Yeah, you're looking plump these days."

I did end up weighing myself,
Even after I said that I wouldn't.
But to my surprise,
It read 100.

I'm only two numbers away from my goal,
Til I'm ok with my weight.
Two little numbers,
Hopefully it won't take much to get me there,
And to stay there,

I hope this post finds you well,
I love you all.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie