I'm gaining weight,
Like a pig waiting to be eaten,
102.6lbs, ugh.
T swears it's lean muscle,
From going to the gym so much,
But I don't want to go,
If it's going to make those numbers go up.
When I go I do 30 minutes on the bike,
Then I do the weight machines.
Legs, arms, abs,
And then I stretch.
I feel amazing when I go to the gym,
It makes me feel better about myself,
But then the next morning,
That number is burned into my brain.
So I have decided to steal Calla Lily's idea,
The one rule. One serving,
I like this idea,
Maybe it will keep me from getting fat.
I feel the need to restrict again,
Like the cow that I am;
I ate a McChicken from McDonalds today.
I absolutely hated myself after,
I tried to purge but I only got like a 4th of it up,
And now I'm making spaghetti for dinner.
And I will only have ONE piece of bread.
I am also cutting all drinks out of my diet,
Except for water and tea.
No more Sprite.
I drink entirely too much Sprite.
I'm tired of being this fat being,
It's time to do something about it,
And I'm starting with tonight,
I am almost done with my first liter of water,
Then it will be tea for the rest of the night.
I will be thin again,
I will love myself again,
And I will be sexy.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie
Muscle is good though. When you have more muscle and less fat, you look better. Not to mention muscle weighs more than fat. Don't stress so much about the number.
ReplyDeleteI like the one idea too, I think that's what I'm gonna start doing. Especially after tonight. Keep your head up, dear. I believe in you. Xx
I'm sorry you're struggling with the idea of building muscle. I have the same fear, that if I exercise too much I'll start building muscle and burn fewer calories. If going to the gym makes you feel good about yourself, please don't give it up. Maybe you could focus on doing some light cardio or even something like yoga to fill in the time you'd normally spend on weights. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul, and I hate to see you so unhappy. I hope you feel able to love yourself again soon, but please try to take care of yourself in the process.
ReplyDeletexxxx
I stumbled across blog awhile back. I felt the need to comment tonight because I feel like Ana made this post, not you. I pray for you each day. I also pray that the encouragement to engage in destructive eating disordered behaviors amongst your peers ends. I feel this is Ana's wish to rally her troops together in order to achieve her ultimate death wish. Please listen to that voice inside of you that is tired of this life. The voice that wants better for your family. The voice that wants healing. This is your true self. It is real. And there is hope.
ReplyDeleteTo love yourself, I wish I knew what that meant. You deserve it though, I know you do.
ReplyDelete/Avy
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I just want to say first of all that muscle burns more calories overall because it takes more calories to maintain. It's science and a lot of research has gone into understanding the body. While I know that when you're in the thick of your eating disorder you believe you somehow defy these rules of science, you don't. I say that because it's both terrifying and comforting. You are human and you gain and lose weight according to fluids, things you eat, stress, lack of sleep, age, muscle or fat loss and gain, it's not this end all reason of eating a single McChicken. Should you have those all the time? No, of course not. No one should. Your body is this amazing machine capable of things you never thought possible. I know that you know all of this. You're in starvation mode physically and mentally and so your body is freaking out and holding on to things. I would think, well, starving is science too: put nothing in, nothing can be put on. Still, the number would remain unsatisfactory and it would send me into a downward spiral.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/metabolism-massacre-7-ways-to-avoid-undermining-fat-loss.html
I love bodybuilding.com and I think it has a lot of great information. Take a look, take a breath, tell yourself something nice tonight, just this once.
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