Still no change

Those numbers still read the same this morning. Which should have been my first indication that today was going to be uneventful. Then I walked out to the kitchen, just to catch T about to walk out the door to go to work. I hate sleeping in because I lose time with him. Our mornings aren't usually too exciting. Just sitting in the dawn lit kitchen smoking cigarettes and talking. I cherish mornings with him. But this morning he had already been up for quite a while and had to go to work.
The ground had a thin layer of snow on it. It was a sign to just stay in and enjoy the warmth of coffee and watching movies with my youngest. After my first morning cigarette, I joined my son on the couch, snuggled with my favorite blanket and watched a movie. Afterwards, I found some motivation to get dressed and go to the gym. I had to work off my 200cal bowl of cereal. After the elliptical and lifting weights, I felt lighter, better, emptier. Came home and took a hot, relaxing shower.
And like I said before, the rest of my day has been pretty uneventful. I ate a small apple for lunch, which I kept down because I had already taken 6 laxies at that point. Took my son to his dads, came home and played some games on my phone while enjoying the peace and quiet with the TV softly playing in the background.
My oldest came home, I made dinner for all the kids. T had to work two and a half hours away, so I knew it was going to be a long night. I did not eat dinner. I feel content right now. I started getting a bit hungry, had a few bites of lime Jell-O(40cal) and made myself a cup of coffee. With my extremely low intake and going to the gym today, I am hoping for a loss tomorrow. I'm tired of the scale telling me the same thing for the past 5 days. I'm ready for a change.
The treatment center finally got a fax with my lab results, so the admissions lady will send off my paperwork to my insurance tomorrow. Hopefully I'll hear some sort of news by tomorrow afternoon. I have a pretty busy day ahead of me tomorrow. My oldest son's Halloween party is in the morning, which I volunteered to help with, then my son has therapy in the afternoon. After all of that, it will be trick or treating time. I am going to wear my costume for the whole day. Probably get some weird looks lol. Well I am going to finish off my coffee and watch the Anna Nicole documentary that I recorded earlier. Hope you all have a wonderful evening/day. Lots of love.
XOXO

Exhaustion

My eyes are so heavy. I am mentally exhausted from this day. My youngest son has been in a bad mood all day and keeps yelling at me. My oldest son is over-emotional and keeps crying over the littlest things. Plus I've spent the majority part of the day in tears.
The water works began after lunch today. Went to Taco Bell, had a spicy bean burrito and an empanada. Couldn't go to the bathroom cuz I had my son with me, so I stopped at a gas station on the way home, ran in real quick, locked the bathroom door behind me and bent over the toilet. For 3 straight minutes of my finger down my throat, nothing came up. I spent the next 20 minute car ride home crying, beating myself up, and planning to cut when I got home.
When I got home, I had to pee, so I'm sitting there and look at the wastebasket right next to me. I decide to give it a try even though I knew it was a lost cause. But just then, to my surprise, everything I ate for lunch came up within a couple minutes. I felt so relieved and happier afterwards. I didn't have the urge to cut myself and the crying subsided. I'm just ready for it to be the kid's bedtime. I'm so tired. And they have so much energy. Where does it all come from?
So as you can see, I got a hair up my butt to change my blog all around. So not only did I change the colors and the background, but I also added tabs up at the top. It took me forever to figure out how to do it, and with a little help from J, I was able to do it. So now all of you can put faces to the 3 most important boys in my life. My bucket list is not complete. There are still so many things I want to add to it. But it's a start. And then there is my contact me page. You all are free to get a hold of me anytime. Just let me know who you are. I'm especially excited to start using Skype again. I haven't used it in forever. So much so that I started a new account. So please, talk to me. =) I hope you all are having a lovely day. Lots of love.
XOXO

Mini rant/Update

You know, I started writing in a blog to be able to be open and be myself, but I'm finding here lately that when certain people read my blog, it somehow gets thrown back in my face. I won't go into detail, but pretty much how I feel is that if you don't like what you see written in here, either don't read it or keep it to yourself because I don't want to hear how I upset you with something I say.
With that being said, my mom came up today for her birthday. It was a pretty lovely day. We went and met with my son's therapist, then went to Best Buy so she could buy herself a new video game. Yeah, my mom's a gamer, be jealous ;) After that I took her out to lunch. I knew this was going to be tricky because just an hour before I finally revealed to her how I've relapsed and am purging and using laxatives again. Ultimately I got 3 plates of food but probably only ate about 400 calories. So my total intake for the day was an ugly 600cal. I'm not counting dinner because I purged most of it and worked off the rest of it. But I will be pissed if my weight goes up tomorrow.
My blood work came back from the doctors. It was all normal, as usual. So I asked my doc to fax the treatment center a copy so they can get the ball rolling on sending everything off to insurance. I'm not really getting my hopes up this time like I did back in January just to be turned down again. T keeps asking me what my back up plan is if I don't go into treatment. He told me this morning that right now I am going down one of two paths; either I am going to recover or I am going to die. There is no in between for me anymore. I don't think I have a backup plan, and if I don't come up with one, it will only be a short time before Ana kills me off. That would make her happy. Then I wouldn't be such a burden any longer.
My weight has been stuck at 92 for 3 days now. I was pretty upset about gaining a pound from Friday to Saturday, so if I could just lose that pound, I'll be happy, for a minute anyways. As always, I hope you're all doing well. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

100th Post

I just read over my very first post on this blog. It was a bit over a year ago and I was in Tennessee spreading my brother's ashes. In that post I was talking about how just two weeks before my doctor told me that I only had a year to live. Well here I am, and what a hell of year it's been.
I am happy that I lived another year, but I'm disappointed that I haven't made any progress in my eating disorder. I'm only 3lbs heavier than I was when I started this blog. And that's after the fact I made it all the way down to a deadly 81lbs. T and I have experienced a lot of issues over this past year. Mostly because of my eating disorder or working at the club. I am so lucky that I've had him here by my side over the course of this last year.
Thank you all so very much for all your support on my post yesterday. I was feeling pretty shitty about myself after the sushi incident, but all of your comments lifted my spirits. The Halloween party was pretty decent. Except I drank way too fast on an empty stomach and got drunk pretty quickly. I threw up a bit in the bathroom, but there was one chick who threw up all over herself and the kitchen floor. It was pretty nasty.
Today has been an ok day so far. My youngest son woke me up at 7:30 this morning. So I started cleaning the house. Got that done in a couple hours, took my friend back home, came back and we had an early dinner. We ordered from a sandwich place and when I ordered my food I specifically told them no mushrooms(I can NOT stand mushrooms.) Get my sandwich and of course it had mushrooms on it. So I ate a small bit of my broccoli and cheese soup (about 75cal). With my one piece of sushi(58cal), which was not purged, and my bowl of cereal(200cal) this morning, I am at about  333cal for the day. Not bad. I haven't decided if I am going to keep the soup down. I'm experiencing the feeling of being full. Ugh.
I am so excited for tomorrow. It's my mother's birthday and she is coming up to spend the day with me. I really hope she likes her gifts. I put a lot of thought into them. So I'm going to spend the rest of this evening making her birthday cake and watching football. I hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

I FAILED

I was having such a good day, until about 30 minutes ago. This morning I went down and picked a dear friend so she could stay the night tonight. We have a Halloween party to go to, but now I feel like I don't deserve to go.
I was having so much control over my eating, until my friend and I walked down to the grocery store and I bought some sushi. I ate 3 fucking pieces. Ugh I was so mad at myself. We walked back home and I went into the bathroom to purge but only one piece came up. Now my head hurts from purging so hard and my stomach is upset because it's still full and probably the laxies as well.
The costume I bought for the party is so freaking cute. I'm extremely nauseous and just want to sleep away the rest of the day. I hate myself. I hate that I let myself eat like that. I hate that I failed at purging. I let myself down.
Maybe I'll update properly later, but for now, I'm just mad at myself.
XOXO Katie

Reliving the past/Assessment

Reliving can be so depressive. Laying on my bed, holding the necklace with my brother's ashes brings me comfort but also feelings of loneliness. The room is dimly lit from the sunshine through my red curtains. My bedroom is my safe place. It's the only room that is away from all the craziness of my life. It's my sanctuary. I run away to there when I'm overwhelmed, but unfortunately my time in there is limited. It only lasts for a few minutes before a kid is screaming or dogs are barking or dinner is waiting to be made.
My fears and anxiety are taking over my daily life. But they always have to be put on the back burner because my life does not call for attention to be brought to myself. I am expected to take care of everyone else. Which actually I'm not complaining about because I enjoy being the caretaker. I like the feeling of being needed.
I had my phone assessment with the treatment center about an hour ago. The lady is different from the last one I dealt with, but she was very nice and understanding. She patiently listened and took notes on the other side of the phone. I cried, and she had me relive so much of my past. As if I don't already live with my past, but having to openly discuss the abuse or rapes or losing my beloved brother makes it more depressing. This lady told me that she isn't even sure my insurance is going to cover me because, are you ready for this; "your weight isn't at the lowest it's ever been. You might not be sick enough." Yes, that is what she said to me. So now we play the waiting game just as we did the last time I was denied.
My oldest son had a med check up this morning. His doctor listened intensely while I described to him my son's behavior not only at home but how he has been at school as well. Parent/teacher conferences did not go well yesterday. My son's teacher described in detail how my son's violent tendencies are starting to show at school. He has been written up for hitting a boy in the stomach and another time for twisting a little girl's arm. I was a bit upset because instead of calling me on the days when these incidents happened, she waited a month or more to tell me. So not only has my son's meds not been working for his ADHD for about a month now, he is becoming more violent. So I'm talking to his pediatrician and he starts talking about the mood disorder my son was diagnosed with last year. Ultimately, his doctor prescribed him a new medication, but not for his ADHD this time, but instead it's an antipsychotic. That's such a scary word. I'm terrified at how my son is going to make it in this world with the way he is. I try my hardest to help him but I feel defeated.
So this is another fear that is overwhelming me today. What is going to become of my son in a world that is so cruel? How is society going to treat him with the labels that he already has and he's only 6. I have countless papers and print outs and a journal full of stuff that has to deal with him. I'm trying. But I'm just a block. This wall I've come to just will not budge. Here we are, just, stuck.
I had a bowl of cereal today. Last night I spent 3 hours to make a 3 layer cake from scratch for T's dad's birthday. It came out beautiful. Tonight we are celebrating his birthday. I am making a simple, delicious dinner for everyone, but I will not eat. With my mood, I know that it will just be purged anyway, so why bother. But it will be a lovely evening, just as long as I don't have to eat. I hope you all are doing well. Lots of Love.
XOXO Katie   

Is it good or bad?

Thank you all for the love and support on my video. It did take a lot of courage to do it, but I'm glad I did. I just hope that it gets out there and helps other girls in the same position that I am in.
My weight plummeted over night. I lost 2lbs since yesterday. I can't determine if this is good or bad. There's the big part of me that is happy about it. It's the lowest I've been in months, but I also know that it's not good for me. I know it's mostly because of the laxies I took yesterday. There is something about those little pink pills that are comforting to me. It's like I know when I take them, I don't have to purge what I eat, even though I usually do.
I really do enjoy the feeling of when the pounds melt right off of me. It makes me feel like I finally have control over something. But I also know that control is just an illusion. Do I really have control or is it Ana that has the control? Last night I ate soup for dinner, and ate some more of this delicious brownie I made the night before. I hate that chocolate is my weakness. If I didn't take the laxies or purge, I'm sure that the chocolate would most definitely add the pounds. What is your weakness?
I've been thinking more about treatment. All of your encouraging words have left an impact on my decision. So I called them this morning and talked to the admissions lady. We had about a 20 minute conversation.
She said she isn't sure if my insurance will approve since I applied for treatment less than a year ago, but she sent me the admissions form and medical clearance form to have filled out by my doctor. They want a copy of my labs, which is always frustrating because according to them, my labs are always good, so technically I'm not "medically" sick. I guess I'll just wait to see how everything turns out.
I have a busy day ahead of me. I have parent teacher conferences in a half hour and then I am going over to my uncle's house and help him paint his trailer. He's paying me real good money to do it. So I'm happy about that. But the way my body has been feeling lately, I'm kinda nervous that I won't be able to do it for very long. I've been so weak lately. Last night I could barely pull myself up off the couch. It's getting pretty bad. Well anyway, I'll update later. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Bad day

Today has been a pretty hard day, food and mood wise. I've been pretty depressed and down which in turn makes me not want to eat. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, went to the gym, had a slim fast for lunch, which I purged, and then popped 8 laxies. I see me backsliding so fast. It's hard for me to care when I don't care about myself. When I feel so hidden behind my emotions, I take it out on myself and my body.
In other news, last night I was watching old Christina Aguilara(sp) videos. She has become my new thinspo. I want to look like she did in the Candyman video. Damn she is so sexy. I've always been jealous of her because of her looks, and OMG that voice; it's amazing. I wish that I could sing like her, much more, look like her.
And by the way, I made one of those videos that I was talking about last night. It was hard to do, but I'm very glad I did it. Here is the link to it. Take a few to check it out and tell me what you think. It took me like 5 times to get it, but I'm satisfied with it.
And finally, I want to take a minute to thank everyone for commenting on my posts. It makes me feel good knowing I am touching some of you with my story. I want to especially thank J for being such a wonderful friend when I've needed you. I look forward to more sleepovers. And I also want to thank Eve for leaving such a wonderful, heartfelt comment on my post last night. I can't put into words how much that meant to me. Every single one of you that reads my blog is so very important to me and you push me to do better. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Advice?

I've seen so many videos of both girls and boys telling their stories through pieces of paper to music in the background. Most are always heartbreaking. I'm not sure what these videos are called, but anyway, I've been considering doing one for the past few days. What do you all think?

Finally a loss

I'm glad that I didn't just run out and buy a new scale last night after thinking for a week that it was busted. I got on and those wonderful numbers told me 1.5lbs lost. Yes! All of this hard work is finally paying off. I should be going to the gym tonight again. I feel so wonderful after I go.
Thank you all for the lovely comments on my last post and welcome to my new followers. I'm glad more people are finally coming along. It truly makes my day when people take time to follow, read and comment on my posts. It feels like I'm making a difference, and in reality, that's just what I need.
In other news, I took my youngest for his pre-k evaluation this morning. He did a lot better than I thought, and hopefully in a couple weeks I will receive a letter stating whether or not he will be able to attend school earlier than usual. They also told me that with his developmental and speech delays that they will have an occupational and speech therapist in his classroom everyday to help him. Oh that was wonderful news for this momma's ears.
As for my intake today; I had a bowl of Honey bunches of oats for breakfast, a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch, and a banana. Took my 6 laxies and already feeling the affects of those. Ugh some days go very well with them, other days, they just wreak havoc on my body. Today is one of those days. I seriously just feel like laying in bed for the rest of the day.
I don't think I posted about this the other day, but the other night after I purged my dinner, I started having a sharp stabbing pain in my left side of my stomach. At first I thought I just pulled a muscle, but now I'm starting to think it's something more. The pain is still there, and it comes and goes. When it starts, it hurts so bad that if I'm standing up, it has me falling to the closest chair. I'm thinking I should call my doctor and maybe have them schedule me an ultrasound.
T and I started discussing treatment again last night. A part of me wants to go back, but not for the reason you all think. I want to go back because I enjoyed the quiet time after program when I was alone by myself. No responsibilities to cook, or clean the house. It was like a mini vacation. But I know in reality, I'm nowhere close to being sick enough to go back. I was 10lbs smaller before. All the girls there would just think I'm a whale. It's a terrifying thought. Plus I need to find a job to pay for this wedding, and if I go to treatment, that will just take away time and money I could be making. I just can't do it right now.
Anyways, that's what's new in my life. I'm finally getting caught up on everyone's blogs and leaving comments.
XOXO Katie

One step forward, 5 back

That's how I feel today. I made it to the gym this morning, after not going for like a month. I felt so fantastic afterwards. Then I came home to change and get ready so I can go out looking for a job. T and I went out to a restaurant so I could fill out the application and we could eat lunch. I ate like a fat piggy. I had the majority of my salad, a mozzarella stick, 3 boneless wings, a couple chips with dip, and a piece of a quesadilla. I felt so disgusting. So after dropping T back off at work, I came home and purged until there was nothing left except a raw throat. Then popped 6 laxies.
I am so disappointed in myself for letting it get out of hand. I haven't ate that much in such a long time. I will not be eating dinner tonight, that's for sure. I can't help but subconsciously count all the calories of everything I ate. That's something I don't think will ever go away. And to top everything off, the number on the scale still didn't change this morning. I think I need either a new scale or a new battery. I'm surprised that scale has lasted as long as it has. After last summer when T stabbed a sword through it; I didn't think it would ever work again. OMG, I just had a terrifying thought. What if it really hasn't been working right and it's been telling me the wrong numbers all along? What if I'm really 10lbs heavier than I think I am? Ugh, that would piss me off.
My youngest was full of piss and vinegar today. He has been defying everything that I have told him to do. It's days like this when I can't wait for him to start school and then I can have time to myself. I'm not sure if I really want alone time, but just time without the kiddos. Does that make me a bad mom? It's just my life is the same boring routine and so mundane. I need some excitement in my life. Maybe that would help with the depression as well. Something's gotta give soon or I'm going to lose my freakin mind.
The other night I smoked a bowl. It's been a long time since I've smoked and when I do it, I don't do it very often. But anyway, it helped relax me like a million times better. I felt happier, I was laughing, and I even ate a half of piece of pie, and some popcorn. Two unsafe foods. So T and I started joking, "how do you get an anorexic to eat? Light her up." We thought it was pretty funny.
So after my youngest wakes up from his nap, I have to take him up to his dad's and then pick my oldest up from school. My youngest has his pre-k evaluation tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous about it because he is so developmentally behind and I'm afraid of what that will mean about him getting into school. I remember taking my oldest to his evaluation and him exceeding in all of the academic features. Unfortunately I know my youngest is a bit academically challenged. I've been worrying about this all week and dreading tomorrow to come. But I guess we'll just see how it plays out. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie   

Feeling all alone

I apologize for being a terrible blogger. Things have been so busy around here. Mostly appointments for my oldest son. I got him in with a new therapist and she seems really nice. What I like about this new place is it's a parent/child play therapy. So I play and talk with him while they watch on a camera and use a little ear piece in my ear to help me direct his play. I think it's going to be good for the both of us.
I'm on the search for a new job. Preferably a waitressing job. That's one thing I enjoyed about working at the club was having a little bit of money in my pocket everyday. I miss working at the club, but I had to quit. It was doing terrible things with mine and T's relationship. It wasn't worth jeopardizing our relationship for. Plus I didn't realize that I was hurting other very important people in my life working there. I'll miss the wonderful people I've met working there though.
As for my weight, well I'm still stuck. I fluctuated up to 97 but now I'm back down to 94lbs. It's so frustrating because I've been purging my dinner every night and taking laxies every day. I think I'll be forever stuck at this weight. I also had a pregnancy scare this past week. Well I don't know if I'd call it a scare. A small part of me was hoping for the test to come back positive, so I was a bit disappointed that it was negative. But honestly, my health is not anywhere close to healthy enough for a baby right now. Plus I don't think I can get pregnant because I'm underweight. I wish I felt underweight. I feel like a blimp. I haven't gone to the gym in 3 weeks. I'm pretty much just wasting my gym membership.
I'm not sure I mentioned this on my last post, but I have started writing my book, finally. It's a memoir about my life. I'm only on chapter 3, but it's coming along quite nice. My main focus with my book is to get my story out there. I want my story to be heard. I don't know if I'm looking for someone to help me, but I want to help other girls out there that are going through what I've gone through in the past and what I'm currently going through at the moment. Sometimes while I'm writing, I lose my motivation because I feel like there are already so many memoirs out there and so many books about eating disorders. But at the same time, I feel like there is not enough awareness about eating disorders.
Also, I've become very antisocial again here lately. It's just easier for me to keep to myself and not burden other people with all my problems. But honestly, I do miss my friends. I really miss R, but I can't help but be mad at her for abandoning me just because I was a stripper. As my best friend, she was supposed to be here for me no matter what. We've been through everything together, and it seems like it was so easy for her just up and walk away. So needless to say, I've been feeling pretty alone lately. I hope I can pull myself out of this depression soon though. I found myself cutting pretty bad this week. A sick part of me really missed putting that blade to my skin. And I'm glad that T wasn't mad at me when he found out.
I hope this post finds you all well. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I'm hoping tomorrow I can make some time to go through all of your lovely blogs and catch up on how you girls are doing. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Why is it so hard?

Why is letting go so hard? I have tried several times to let go of my past and my trauma, but it always comes back to haunt me. Looking back on all the shit I've been through, years of abuse, the verbal attacks, the deaths; I would have never suspected I'd be still dealing with it now.
I'm trying so hard to move on with my life; to find my purpose, but it seems like I don't have one, and that is depressing. I'm 24 years old and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I feel stuck in a mental hell that I can't get out of.
My anxiety is so bad that I rarely drive anywhere unless I absolutely have to. My thoughts are constantly racing. I think that's why I'm always in go mode. I need to keep myself busy or memories overwhelm me.
In other news, I've gotten too fat. I'm up 4lbs at 97. I don't know how this happened, but I don't like it. My jeans feel tighter and I feel like a balloon. I can't keep gaining weight or I'm not going to fit into my wedding dress since I'm having it custom made. I need to lose these 4lbs and stay at 93lbs until after the wedding. Maybe I'll go to the gym tonight.
I'm thinking about quitting at the club again. It's tearing my body apart and killing my self esteem even more. The only thing I'm really going to miss about working there is the awesome friends I've made while being there. But the good thing about that is that I'll still be able to be in contact with them. I'm going to spend this week searching for a new job. I'm thinking a waitressing job is what's going to be best because I'll still have money in my pocket everyday.
Sorry for the rambling, I just wanted to do a quick update. Miss all of you lovely ladies.
XOXO Katie

It's been rough

Things have not been easy. My mind is a terrible place to be. I'm in a dark world and I'm not sure if or when I will be able to escape. I'm constantly depressed and want to cry over everything. My weight hasn't moved in a week. 93lbs is what I feel I will be stuck at forever. No matter what I eat or don't eat, the amount of laxies I take or how many times I purge during the day, my weight is not budging. It's so frustrating.
So I feel like I've let a lot of you down. On Saturday night, I went back to working at the club. It's just temporary until I can find a waitressing job. We desperately need the money for bills and the wedding. I know that most of you girls were happy to hear that I quit, so I'm sorry for disappointing you. I'm not very proud of it, and I don't plan on telling any friends or family this time. It's just easier if it's kept a secret.
I had my first therapy appointment last week with a wonderful woman named Julianne. Unfortunately I don't think she will be my regular counselor. She only works with children and would have to get special permission to be able to see me. But she is the only therapist at the practice that has had experience with eating disorders. It was nice to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. She is the second person who has told me that she is surprised that I haven't turned to substance abuse or alcoholism because of my traumatic past.
I don't know if this is something I should take as a compliment or that I'm just that fucked up in the head. T has said in the last week that my moods are like night and day. He told my doctor that I pretty much only have two moods. Either I'm really happy or really depressed. That there is no happy medium to me. I feel like I'm gonna explode sometimes.
With me working back at the club, I promised T that I was going to feed my body better since I will need the extra protein and calories with all the physical activity I'll be doing. I'm not sure how easy this is going to be for me. I guess all I can do is try and not overwhelm myself with it. I hope you all are doing well.
XOXO Katie