Rant

Depending on where this post turns out, I may or may not post this:
Why is it so hard for me to get the words out? To try to make others around me understand what a struggle living with an eating disorder is? Tonight as I'm taking a shower, I tell T that I think my problem in the past when I have vowed to quit this, to throw it all down the drain and get rid of my eating disorder, I always do it cold turkey. You can't expect a smoker who has smoked over half of their life to just quit smoking cold turkey. This person who is used to smoking a whole pack a day can not physically, or mentally just stop the next day. You have to taper down the amount that they smoke. Maybe 15 a day. Then 10 the next. Then 5. Maybe you're working with the e-cigarettes now or chewing the gum to help with it. It's a progress. But you can't do that with an eating disorder. But you can't also just quit cold turkey. I'm living proof of that. You can't taper down a little at a time. It's an all or nothing progress.
I, myself have said it, and I've heard others say it. "Tomorrow is a new day. I will start with breakfast. I will eat normally." Then 5 minutes after you take that last bite, you are embarrassingly walking down the hall to bathroom, turn the lock, lift that seat and slide your fingers down your throat. And I know me personally, I already feel like I've fucked up for the rest of that day, so I might as well restrict and purge all day. Then that night laying in bed in a pool of failure, I make that same promise for the next day. It's a terribly never ending process.
But 10 days ago, I did it, cold turkey. Besides my couple days of being sick, I have been eating all 3 meals and not giving a shit. Not letting my eating disorder get so loud that I need give into it's promises. Tonight it made me a promise that I could purge dinner and no one would know because they would think I was taking a shower. That voice was really loud tonight. I even asked T if I could go take a shower and he said fine. But I didn't.... I cleaned up the kitchen and folded laundry instead. By the time I did take a shower, the feeling to get rid of my food had passed. Plus the help of two of my anxiety meds. T doesn't like that I'm becoming dependant on them. They do have a tendency to form an addiction. But they take away all those evil thoughts. Those voices with empty promises.
Currently, I am listening to recovery related songs. A lot of Gospel music. And words with meaning. But there's also my love for Eminem and his music and how he's been through so much with his own addictions and stands above them for the love of his kids. That's what I need to do. Stand above this all and show the world that I am not another statistic. I will not be that 1 out of 5 girls who dies from her eating disorder. My kids will not attend my funeral before God is ready to let me go. My mother will not attend her own daughter's funeral. Not happening.
So even though those voices might be loud at times, it's time for me to be louder. It's time for me to throw up my boxing gloves and kick some ass. And the thing is, I don't have to make people understand where I'm coming from. There are so many of you out there that have followed me through hell and are still here by my side. So when I'm in the grocery store, or at a restaurant and people are staring at the portions of my food, fuck them. They don't understand. The mental battle I fight every time a plate is placed in front of me. Each meal, every beverage is a struggle for me. But I will overcome. I will fall and I will get back up. Shit, how many times have I done that already? There are only so many fall outs I can have before I take my stand against this shit for good.
So I guess the original reason for me to start writing this post was because I can't explain how hard it is for me to quit this. Like and alcoholic, or someone who is addicted to Meth. This addiction of mine has torn me down and made me hit rock bottom. And like so many of you lovely ladies said, since I hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up. And here I go... I'M DONE WITH THIS!