So much on my mind

So I'm thinking about going back to treatment. It's not that I'm really engaging in the serious eating disorder behaviors like purging or using the laxies, but there are still behaviors I'm using. Like yesterday, I didn't drink all my coffee in the morning because I knew I was being weighed. I made sure I wore leggings instead of jeans because I knew I was being weighed. And when I was weighed and saw that I went up a half pound, I convinced myself it was water weight because I spent two days drinking nothing but water around the clock. I told T last night that of course there is a part of me that likes having my eating disorder. I love the fact that I'm usually the skinniest girl in the room. I love feeling strong when I can go without eating. What I don't love is the fact that I'm comparing myself to all the girls in the room. Or I hate the fact that if I do eat, then I feel weak and feel the need to purge my food. So which part is stronger when it comes to my eating disorder?
After another discussion with T last night, I think my best option would to be go back to treatment, but this time, I need to stay longer and give it my all. Give it 100%.  My problem is that the facility I want to go to will in no way be covered by my medicaid, and I sure as hell don't have the money to send myself there. I loved the girl I was when I left treatment. But I feel like Anorexia tricked me. Ana had me thinking she was gone. That I had got rid of her and I have found other coping mechanisms to deal with stress. But all that stuff I learned in treatment, didn't give me a way to cope with all the added stress of my family and kids.
One of the biggest things they talk about in DBT and talked about in treatment was mindfulness. And in treatment, it worked great. But I can't do that here. I can't have a quiet moment before I eat to remind myself of what good that food is going to do for my body. I can't have a moment to even think about what I'm eating before I eat it. I've got T talking to me, my oldest talking constantly, and my youngest always whining in my ear. Every meal is so hectic. It was easy to be mindful in treatment because I was surrounded by other girls who were doing the same thing I was. I woke up an hour and 20 minutes early this morning just so I could eat breakfast quietly before everyone got up. But there's no way I can do that every morning because it's only 9am and I'm so tired. I actually followed my meal plan for breakfast this morning. I had a bowl of cereal, a lite yogurt, and a banana. I was pretty proud of myself. Then I went and laid back down for another 30 minutes to fall asleep and get my mind off of the food. That's the only way I have found that completely works is going to sleep after I eat, so I don't have to think about it.
So I got started on Effexor last night. I think I recall one of you ladies saying you take it. I just want to know if anyone has taken it, what kind of effects did it have on you? I'm convinced that's the reason I woke up for a hour and a half in the middle of the night last night, despite my Ambien. It's all so much medication. But they are trying to find the right meds for me I guess.
So another thing I struggled with last night is that according to the doctors, I am not "clinically sick." All my blood work comes back normal. My vitamin D level was normal. My blood pressure is a bit low and so is my heart rate, but other than that, my only medical issue is that I'm underweight. If everything is coming back normal, then how can I be sick? Then I just make myself feel like I'm a crazy person. I understand that an eating disorder is a mental illness, but am I really that insane? That's how I feel anyway. I guess I've just got a lot of shit on my mind. Sorry for such a long post.
XOXO Katie