As I look around me and see all the wonderful things and people God has blessed me with, I can't fathom why I'm letting this kill me. I am surrounded by such wonderful, loving people, who would do anything to see me beat this thing down to the ground, but I can't seem to find the strength to do it. I know the fight is in there. I've experienced it. But it seems as the months have moved on, the fight inside me has weakened.
I saw my therapist yesterday. She made me sign a "no self harm" contract. Meaning I can not self harm or abuse my medication in any way or she will have no choice but to send me to the psychiatric hospital up in the next town. That just proves my theory that I am crazy and this is all in my head. I realize that having BPD and living with an eating disorder is hard for people to understand, especially when I talk about "Ana" and how much control she has over me, but do I really belong in a hospital on lock down? The whole thing is a bit frustrating. I don't even know why I told her that I've been hoarding my medication just so I can take 3-4 a night. It calms my anxiety. I don't see the problem with it. But apparently she does.
It's been so hard not to engage in eating disorder behaviors, but T told me the other night that he is drawing his line in the sand and if I choose to walk this path with Ana, then he can no longer walk it with me. So, I'm torn. I need him in my life. He is the best thing to happen to me and has stuck by my side through so much, I just can't lose him. But on the other side of the teeter totter is something I've lived with and accepted for over half my life. It's difficult to just quit cold turkey and act like those thoughts aren't there. That's what kills me so much about this all is that the thoughts are over consuming and I have to do some serious distracting to not just go in the bathroom and get rid of my food. Like after breakfast this morning, I went into a cleaning frenzy of the whole house. Right through lunch. My body isn't telling me I'm hungry.
That is one of my biggest problems is that I am not supposed to listen to my body cues, I'm supposed to eat when my meal plan tells me to. Because if I listened to my body, I probably would never eat. I've taught my body for so long to starve itself, that it rarely grumbles or shows signs of hunger.
So this post has pretty much turned into what I always right, but where I was going with it all that it's so hard to fight this battle when I feel like there isn't any strength left in me. I can't lost those in my life due to my eating disorder. It's not an everyday battle, it's an every minute battle. Like I was fine while eating breakfast, but afterwards, I couldn't get my mind off of it. Then around lunch time, I thought about eating, but just continued to clean through it. And now I'm sitting here thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner for everyone. Which brings anxiety. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Oh and the treatment facility called me back, and sent me the paperwork to fill out again, and a paper for my doctor to fill out. They are contacting insurance to see if they will cover me again. If I do go back, it wouldn't be until February because my youngest will be having surgery in the next couple of weeks and his birthday is also at the end of the month. I want more time this time to get prepared and ready for treatment. To get myself 110% committed to this. I can do it. I know it's possible. I've done it before.
Huni.. I know you doubt yourself sometimes but it seems like you do have your priorities in order :) I too know that you can do it, and you are right.. This is possible.. You are amazing, it's hard to convince ourselves what the right thing to do is when everything we do seems so utterly normal - like everyday life... I know you don't want to lose those you love, and you are stronger than this ed.. You will win dear Katie. I believe in you, don't stop believing in yourself xx
ReplyDeleteI know you can do this, hun. Of course this is going to be hard, I can't imagine how engraved it is in your life--but I know you can beat it. If you have the energy to fight then go on and kick it's ass c:
ReplyDeleteI hope you're doing alright <3 xx
Just got here!
ReplyDeleteHave a great year ahead, pretty! :)
I don't think you're crazy, maybe it was just an ultimatum? Whatever you think the reasoning, I hope the contract thing helps in avoiding those behaviors. You deserve to be well and the primary thing is for you to believe that first.
ReplyDeleteWe all have faith that you can get through this.
Strength and peace to you xx
Crying right now because I really feel for you. You are so incredibly strong though. You have shown me strength when I thought I didn't have any left and you don't even know me. Trust me, I know it's a terrible and exhausting thing to fight, but if anyone can do it, it's you. I think the biggest thing would just be to be honest with T. If he knows you really are trying your hardest and you slip up, he will probably try to understand that. I think he just doesn't want you hiding it from him. Obviously I don't know the whole situation so feel free to ignore me if I'm wrong, but best wishes.
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