I am a mixture of emotions and actions in the last couple days. Everything seems to be coming together but falling apart at the same time. I had my medical evaluation yesterday with my doctor. This was needed because my insurance has approved me to go back into treatment. I had to get blood drawn, the flu shot, an EKG and my doctor had to fill out the paperwork.
I have an admission date of February 4th. This is where all the emotions and actions have come into place. That's 3 weeks out. Ana is saying "embrace me, because you won't be able to in a few short weeks." And my actions have reflected that. With the flu shot yesterday, I felt crappy the rest of the day, so I barely ate anything. And today has been the same. I've had my coffee and my tea. I have therapy in an hour and I'm going to be honest with her....
I don't feel sick enough to be going back into treatment. With all my labs coming back normal, my EKG being normal, who is to say I'm sick enough to go back to inpatient? I'm a little underweight, but not as small as I was when I went into treatment the first time. Ana is telling me that I need to get back down to that before I go back.
Then my logical mind is jumping up and down with joy because this time I will beat this. I want nothing more than to have my life back. Isn't that what we all want? Don't we all want to not be controlled by that voice anymore? A part of me is scared because I know that I won't be with the same set of girls that I grew to love when I was there the first time. I'm not sure if I'm ready to put myself out there again to try and make new friends and then deal with the same kind of drama I did when I first got there in September.
So anyway, that's my update. I will be getting admitted February 4th and we aren't sure how long I will be there this time. It might be longer than before. And I'm scared. I hope you're all doing well.
XOXO Katie
Katie, I understand your scared but this is really good news. Getting both of us better is our new future....and thank you for your lovely comments :) Lots of Love and I wish you luck - Your make lots of friends because you seem such a lovely person xx
ReplyDeleteOh huni, treatment is such a big step and I am glad you have embraced the opportunity.. I just hope that that Anavoice doesn't wreak havoc until then.. You are inspirational and a fighter.. I love you so so much.. xx
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave, I could never. You're amazing ah I can't even explain.
ReplyDeleteLove you dear Katie, I so much want to see you well <3
You are so brave, you can recover! Please get well <3
ReplyDeleteBest of luck, Katie. This is good news. You'll hopefully get the support you need to beat ana once and for all! xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy for you. I know it will be hard and I understand your conflicted feelings but I just keep thinking about you getting to a place in your head where you can enjoy life as it is meant to be lived and I can't help but smile :)
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