Down in the dumps

I fell asleep on the couch last night. Not that this is out of the ordinary, but usually when T is ready for bed, he wakes me up so I can go to sleep in the bed. Apparently last night, he couldn't get me up. I ended up sleeping all night on the couch. And for some weird reason, this depresses me. We have never slept apart except when I was in TN and when I went to treatment. And also because I didn't make it to the bedroom last night, I didn't take my meds. I tossed and turned all night, but couldn't find enough strength to get up and go to bed.
So this leaves me in a very odd mood today. I'm extremely depressed, and feel disconnected. I tried taking a shower to make me feel better, but I stood in front of the mirror for 5 minutes before getting in and just stared at my naked body. There are so many things that I am unhappy with. And I would give anything to see what everyone else sees. You know, I told my therapist yesterday that I don't feel sick enough to be going to treatment. She pointed out that I wouldn't have made that call on my own if I didn't feel like there was a problem. But here is my stand point on it. Physically, I don't think I look sick. I know that it's mostly all in my head. I think that I am fucked up beyond repair up there. I found this video on YouTube yesterday; what a wonderful way to portray having an eating disorder. She did a great job on showing what it's like living with Ana.
I also watched a video about these Australian twins that are in their mid 30's and they are down to 70lbs. It was so sad to watch because they look so sick, and they kept saying that if they got down to 25kilos that they will most likely die, and that is what they were hoping for. They looked like they were in their 70's. Their hair was barely there, their skin on their faces were so sunken in. I don't look like that. I don't look anywhere near that.
The people around me that love me, keep telling me that I've lost the color in my face and that my cheeks are sunken in, but I guess I don't see it. I mean, I guess I'm a bit pale, but I've always been that way. They say the light in my eyes is gone. I guess I never saw that light to begin with. T said to me last night that if he had to choose between seeing me get down to looking like those twins or leaving me, he would leave me. Then told me that if my eating disorder truly makes me happy, then to go for it. But we both know that it doesn't necessarily make me happy.
I hate living with this constant voice in my head. One who brings my spirits up when I skip meals or eat very little, but then turns around and beats me down when I "eat too much." What is too much anymore? I feel like the banana I had for breakfast was too much. Along with my coffee, I feel huge.
I'm just very depressed today, and I can't seem to bring myself up. It's frustrating because my mom is supposed to come up today, and we are supposed to have a wonderful day together. I don't want to bring her down with my mood. So something has got to give before she gets up here. I think I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette and listen to some music before my son wakes up. Sorry for such a depressing post. Much love.
XOXO Katie