1 week

So I have 1 more week left at home before I leave for treatment. The anxiety is kicking into high gear over here. Why am I so nervous? I don't understand. I've done this before.
Laxies have ceased to work. It seems I have to keep taking more in order for anything to stay normal. Which is frustrating in itself. So that's on my mind about treatment. How are they going to help me with that if I'm not aloud to take them while I'm there?
Then there's the packing and what I am and am not going to take. I feel like when I show up, they are going to be like, wtf? I'm taking 3 bags and my laptop bag. I'm practically moving there. Which I guess I am for awhile. I'm probably going to start packing on Saturday. Give me enough time to get all my laundry done and everything put together.
Then there's the meals of course. I told T last night that this time around is going to be a lot harder. This got brought up while I was freaking out over a stupid slushie that I had from Sonic. It's frozen ice and corn syrup. It's not like there was that many calories in it, right? 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Plus boost. I know that's what they are going to do because that's what they did last time, and I weigh less this time around going in.
I'm also nervous about seeing all the staff and therapists again. They are probably going to feel like failures because I'm back only a few short months later. Stupid fucking relapses.
I can't believe I let myself get back to this point again. The point of needing to go back in because I wasn't good enough for recovery. I wasn't deserving enough of it. It's just easier to let Ana run my life instead of take control over it myself. Anyone else feel this way? Well I can't let that happen anymore. I've lost too much of myself, my family and friends, and my health to keep going down this path of brokenness.
My mind is just all over the place with going back. I'm afraid I won't be able to make as good as progress as I did in the short amount of time like I did last time. I won't be able to make friends like I did last time. For the most part, the group of girls I was with back in September were awesome. I've still continued to be friends with them after leaving.
I have a feeling the staff will have a closer eye on me this time around because of how fast I relapsed. They are going to have their doubts in my commitment just like my therapist now does. She called me last week and told me she was going to have to stop seeing me if I kept cancelling appointments. The only reason why I canceled my appointment last week was because I had both the boys and no babysitter. But I see her today once more before I leave. Which she wants to talk about what my plan is going to be once I get out of treatment.
And most of all, while I'm gone, I'm going to miss everyone. I will still get to see T if he comes down for Saturday groups. And my mom every week for family therapy. But as far as my boys go, I won't see them at all while I'm gone. Which is going to be hard. I feel like I've been making some real progress with them and all the stuff that they have been dealing with, and I don't want it to go backwards. It's mostly my oldest I'm worried about. I'm afraid that his father won't man up and take him to all of his appointments and his classes that I've been putting him in. Or he will forget to give him his meds. But once I made this decision to go back to treatment, I knew that I had to leave it up to him to take the responsibility of being his dad. I just have a hard time trusting the guy.
Then there is the fact that my insurance hasn't 100% approved me for treatment. The lady who is in charge of getting me in just told me that she is planning on calling them and she has to make a "case" for me, but she said as far as her and everyone else is concerned, I will be going next week. This freaks me out. What if my insurance ends up turning me down for some stupid reason or another? This is my last chance. The chance to turn my life around and I don't know if I can do it without going back.
In reality, everything will probably turn out just fine. I'm just letting my anxiety get the better of me. I haven't taken my sleep meds in days because I keep forgetting to go pick them up. So I've been sleeping really shitty. Waking up several times, can't fall asleep, waking up way before I need to be. So I have got to go get those today while I'm out and about. Alright, I've let this post go on for far too long. I hope everyone is doing good. Much love.
XOXO Katie