So weak

Well it's official, I'm back to being so weak that I can barely stand for just a few minutes at a time. I've reached my low again. I'm not sure what I weigh at the moment, but I'm pretty sure I'm under 90lbs. T is so worried about me. I'm also extremely dehydrated. I hate the taste of water, so I put some Mio in it to make the taste better, but it's still difficult to drink. I feel so bad that I didn't even have my coffee this morning. And that's a big deal. I always have my coffee. The last few days I have been restricting a lot. This morning I did decide to eat a very small bowl of cereal and half of a 60cal yogurt. But now I probably won't eat lunch. This is terrible. Why am I letting her win? I've already done so much permanent damage to my body. I tried to purge the other night and my body wouldn't let me. Which I guess in the end was a good thing. T told me that if I purged that he was done. That's why it's so much easier for me to just not eat. Then I have zero anxiety over the food and the urge to purge isn't there. Yesterday I drank 2 sodas, one diet, and one with only 60cal in it. But I felt so bloated and disgusting that it sent my anxiety sky rocketing. See, I have had this nasty habit since I was in 5th grade of chewing on the inside of my mouth to the point of bleeding when I've got a lot on my mind. But last night I literally chewed a gaping hole in the side of my mouth. And now today it hurts like hell. I'm just over all of this. Everything I do is self destructive. I feel the need to punish myself because I feel like I don't deserve anything better. T asked me a question this morning. He asked me that since I was being so controlled in the part of my life that I was supposed to be developing who I am as a person, do I feel like I need to be controlled? Like when I go to treatment, I am going to have zero control. Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm not going to get better unless I have someone that is controlling what I do and eat. And that of course sends me into panic. I feel strong when I don't eat. I feel like I am in control. But to have that all taken away from me might be the only way to recovery. I don't know. What I do know is that I feel like shit all of the time, I'm always in pain, and it's getting harder and harder to enjoy anything in life. My arms were starting to hurt while I was folding laundry. Something that I do every other day. I had to keep sitting down and taking a break. It was terrible. Folding laundry was kicking my ass. I'm just a big mess right now and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I want to take my youngest to the park today, but I'm afraid that it will take too much out of me and then I'm going to be miserable the rest of the day. Anyway, I hope you're all having a wonderful day.
XOXO Katie