I don't know if it's the amount of stress that I'm under, the constant screaming of my kids, or the fact that I am going grocery shopping today, but my anxiety level is through the roof. I had 200cal for breakfast and at the moment, I feel like that is too much. I can't take my anxiety medication at the moment because it makes me feel tired, and I can't feel that way when the kids are awake. So what am I going to do? Absolutely nothing. Because I can't. I have cleaned the house from top to bottom because my youngest has speech therapy in about 20 minutes. My eating disorder is being extremely loud, but still not as loud as the kids. My oldest started out first thing this morning yelling and carrying on, woke his brother up, and I've been dealing with that ever since.
Currently I am watching my oldest son antagonize the dog so much to the point to where I think he is going to get bit if he continues. But for some reason, he finds it amusing to hurt and pick on the dog. A part of me wants him to get snapped at just so he will learn his lesson and leave the dog alone. But that's the thing about my son, he will keep pushing and pushing until he is in tears because something happened.
Still no word from his father. Big surprise there, right? And people wonder why I don't want to eat. It's my only coping mechanism to deal with all the shit in my life. I either just won't eat, or I'll eat and then just purge it. I find it better than being an alcoholic or a junkie I guess. I'm supposed to be going grocery shopping later. That shall be fun. With both boys, both full of attitude, and trying my hardest not to focus on all the calories or the amount of fat in the foods that I choose. One part of me hates grocery shopping, another part loves it because I have control over what I buy. Whether it's fat free, low cal, white meat or red meat. It's all about control. But isn't it all?
I'm not sure where I was going with this post, but all I know is that my anxiety is out of control at the moment. I'm frustrated and I want to pull my hair out. Someone out there, help.
XOXO Katie
I'd say a combination of everything, but I'm sure you know that.
ReplyDeleteChamomile tea is pretty soothing, quick meditation/breathing exercise/min. to yourself
That's all I got, sorry wish I could help more <3
Hang in there ok, I know you will get through this. Try not to allow the stressors to affect your eating.
Much love my dear, stay strong xx
We're here for you Katie, always
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the food shopping
I hate it but I also get a sick pleasure out of looking at all that food
And I feel strong if I resist
I remember my nephew used to terrorize my dogs
But he outgrew it so hopefully your son will too
You are dealing with a lot Katie
I have so much admiration for you
I don't know how you do it all
You have a family, a home and an eating disorder to contend with
I don't know if you've ever heard of mindfulness
Mary is doing it with me
It's a buddhist method of dealing with anxiety and is a way to cope
Maybe look it up if you get a chance
Love to you x
I would say to go outside and just breathe for a little while. Let your kids get all their energy out. And you - just breathe. When you feel overwhelmed, just take 3 deep breaths and remind yourself to hang in there, and that it can't go on forever.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, Katie. Much love. Xxx
Sometimes you just gotta let your kids get burned by the fire before they learn. You are doing really good. Try not to stress. Maybe go take a bath and turn the music up REALLY LOUD. xoxo
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have a lot on your plate. I have similar thoughts on the grocery... it terrifies me, and yet weirdly, I love going. I hope that everything went well, xx
ReplyDeleteI hope your doing better. My 2 year old nephew lives with us...right now Im in the back of the house, complete other side and I can hear him screaming and carrying on. I know how much it can set off anxiety and just make it so much worse. Make sure you get some you time though to relax!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through another ED blog, and I wanted to say I really like your blog. I can't relate too much to the relations with your kids since I don't have any, but what you said about grocery shopping I definitely understand. We'll get through it, day after day. Anxiety lasts only for a second compared to our lives.