Update

The doctor's appointment yesterday was a failure,
She was a bitch and didn't take me seriously.
Even after how honest I was with her.

I told her that I've been addicted to laxies,
That I take around 24 a day,
And asked her if that's what could be causing the problems.

She didn't seem too concerned about the laxies,
Instead she told me they can't do anything about that,
That I have to go through counseling to get over my addiction.

Well duh, that's why I'm meeting with my therapist,
But I would really like to know if
I'm doing any damage with the amount of laxies I take.

The nausea still hasn't gone away,
She prescribed these patches to wear
Behind my ear to take away the nausea.

They don't work.
I threw up breakfast this morning.
And dinner last night.

I'm so beyond frustrated with it,
That there is something wrong with my body,
And none of the doctors give a shit.

In other news, I haven't purged since Saturday,
Mostly because I'm throwing up everything I eat,
And I don't have much of an appetite anyway.

I've recently started smoking weed,
Because it temporarily gets rid of the nausea,
Plus it calms my anxiety down a great deal.

Last night I finally told T how many laxies I take a day,
We determined that I am taking 8 days worth in 1 day,
He was so disappointed, I could see it in his eyes.

I hate letting him down,
I hate that my ed is ruining his life,
And I hate that I feel powerless to stop it.

I'm pretty depressed today,
I've slept most of the day,
And I feel like I could sleep more.

T went to the gym while I lied down,
I really need to get back to the gym,
My body looks like shit.

Well that's enough ranting,
I hope you're all doing well.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

I need a wake up call

This nausea is ruining my life,
I was in the hospital again yesterday,
With an IV and a ton of nausea medicine.

They don't know what's going on with me,
But recommended I see a GI doc,
So I called them this morning.

It's the same place I went with my colon issues,
Last summer when we thought I had cancer,
My appointment is tomorrow.

I plan on going in there with complete honesty,
Telling them about my laxative abuse,
And how severe my eating disorder is.

T found me passed out on the bathroom floor,
I couldn't keep anything down yesterday,
Not even water.

I was miserable,
And I was supposed to be spending time
With my mom.

Instead she came and sat with me in the hospital,
I love her so much,
And T too.

That's why something has to change
I have to get well before I start school,
Or I'm going to miss a lot of days,
From being too weak to stand up for hours at a time.

I was literally begging God to take me yesterday
That's how sick I was,
Today is just as a bad.

This morning I bought some pills,
That people with motion sickness take.
I've already taken two with no relief.

Ok that's enough of my complaining,
I hope that you're all doing well,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

A little slice of normal

What does it mean to be normal anyways?
Is it to live up to everyone's expectations?
Is anyone anywhere actually normal?

To me and the way I live my life,
That's normal to me,
But may not to be to everyone else.

Starting my day with a handful of laxies,
Is what normal is for me.
Taking between 20-25 a day,
That's normal for me.

But I'm looked down upon as abnormal,
Because I live with this disease,
And because I can't eat 'normally.'

No, I don't consider myself 'normal'
Because I look at other people's life,
And wish that I could be like them.

In MOPS this morning,
I'm watching all the other women get food,
While I sit there and over analyze everything on the table.

I wish that I could enjoy a normal plate of food,
Filled with eggs, burritos, cookies, sticky buns,
But I just can't.

Instead I pop 4 more laxies,
And put tiny spoonful's of things on my plate,
Then sit there and pick at it til it looks like I've ate most of it.

Then I sneak off to the bathroom and purge what I can,
Wipe the tears from my eyes,
Wash my hands and go back to the table.

I don't fit in with any girls from my table,
They all talk and gossip around me,
While I sit there and think about how many calories stayed in me.

It's sickening really,
To think that if I could just "get over it"
I could be normal too.

Then I come home a few hours later,
Pop another handful of laxies,
Just so I can eat an English muffin.

I kept the muffin down,
But not without beating myself up over it,
Knowing that those are calories I didn't need.

All of this that I'm explaining,
Is normal for me.
So is being normal really normal?

Just something to think about,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Gaining? Ugh

I weighed myself this morning,
Even when I said I wouldn't,
I went up to 96.6lbs.

This is what happens when I don't take control,
When I try to escape my eating disorder,
I get fatter and fatter by the minute.

I went out to lunch today with my 'uncle'
And I ate a half of sandwich and half a bowl of soup,
After taking 12 laxatives already for the day.

I came home and I purged it,
I couldn't help it,
The food could not continue to sit in there.

My plan for the day is to take 6 more laxies,
Skip dinner,
And pretend this whole thing didn't happen.

I need to get rid of that extra pound and a half,
I can see it all over my body,
I can feel it bulging out of my clothes.

I'm so depressed right now,
I just want to crawl under a rock,
And sleep away the rest of the day.

T wants to go to the gym after he gets off work,
And I know that I should go,
It's been almost 3 weeks since I've been.

It's just I feel so down right now,
That I don't know if I have the motivation,
To take my fat self to the gym around all those skinnies.

I know that I am probably overreacting,
But I can't help but feel that if I eat anymore,
I might just explode.

The sun is even shinning and it's decently warm outside,
But not even that can lift my spirits,
I just want to rip my own skin off.

I'm sorry for such a depressing post,
I hope that you're all doing better than me.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Graze box

                                I got my first Graze box in the mail yesterday. How exciting!

I got the CalorieCounter box, meaning that every snack is under 150cal.

This box came with Tropical Sundae, Black pepper pistachios,

Raspberry coconut muffin, and Apple crumble.

 

I'm excited to give it a try,

See if I enjoy the snacks,

Then I might order another.

 

I also got my lovely letter in the mail yesterday,

From miss Tamara,

Thank you so much love,

I can't wait to write you back.

 

I haven't weighed myself in two days,

I'm trying not to give into the scale,

Instead I'm measuring my weight,

Based on how I look in the mirror.

So granted it's just a guess,

But I can't let the scale rule me anymore,

So I had T hide it from me.

 

In other news,

I went and visited the local beauty school this morning,

And talked with the lady for an hour about starting school.

 

She seemed very excited about me starting,

She gave me a bunch of paperwork and the application,

And told me to go home and do my FAFSA applications.

 

This is really exciting,

I can't wait to start doing hair again,

And actually finish my degree this time.

 

The next classes start April 1st,

Which seems a little soon,

The classes after that,

Start July 22nd.

 

I could wait til July to start,

And that would get me through the summer,

Without trying to find a sitter for the boys.

 

Any advice on when I should start?

Lots of love to all of you,

XOXO Katie

 

 

My hearts desire

The sunshine day caused me to burn,
Like the way my heart does for him.

He wraps me up in his warm skin,
And reminds me that I am safe.

I'm content when I fall asleep next to him,
Hearing him breathe deeply in and out.

He is my reason for waking up each day,
And the reason why I dream.

The smell of him surrounds my body,
Enveloping me and reminding me I'm not alone.

Although it's been a rough journey for us,
I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else.

He encourages me to be the best I can be,
And doesn't tear me down when I'm not.

He is everything that I need him to be,
Strong, fearless, and smart.

He brightens each day with his smile,
And the way he looks at me with those eyes,
Makes me melt and fall in love all over again.

I love him for everything that he is,
He may not be perfect,
But he's perfect for me.

I know no matter how crappy of a day I have,
He can always make it better with a smile.

I fall asleep with his arms wrapped around my middle,
And I know in that moment, everything will be ok.

100 followers

Today I reached a milestone,
My 100th reader started following me,
That's so exciting!

I want to thank you all,
For the tremendous amount of support,
I've received from everyone.

I've had this blog for almost two years now,
And been in the blogging community,
For 2 1/2 years now.

I can't believe all the wonderful,
Amount of friends,
That I've made through blogging.

I don't know where I would be,
Without having all of you here,
Behind me supporting me.

I've seen some pretty lows,
And I've seen some highs,
And I got to share them all with you.

Thank you to all 100 of my followers,
And the girls that regularly comment on my posts,
I love you all.

I will write a proper post a bit later,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Sunshine and Springtime?

The sun peaks through the curtains,
Causing a warmth on my skin,
That I haven't felt in ages.

My phone read 50 degrees,
It feels like it's so much warmer,
And I'm enjoying every minute of it.

I wish that it would improve my mood,
Because honestly, I'm extremely irritable,
And just want to get lost somewhere.

I want to forget being in this body,
I feel large and in charge,
And I'm bloating like crazy.

I had my bowl of cereal for breakfast,
And then had Arby's for lunch,
I purged most but not all of it.

Then I took 6 laxies,
I think I'm gonna take 6 more,
Before I lay down to take a nap.

I slept like shit last night,
My nausea kept me awake,
Spend all night dry heaving,
It was terrible.

I think I'm going to schedule a doc appointment,
For sometime next week,
And talk to her about a new med for nausea.

We are having friends come over tonight,
We are all supposed to be getting drunk,
But I can't help but think of all those empty calories.

It's just one of those days,
Where I want to crawl under a rock,
And get out of this fat suite that I am wearing.

I hope you're all doing well,
I've missed you,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Random ramblings

My vision goes black every time I stand up,
I don't know if it's due to low blood pressure,
Or my lack of calories for the day.

This migraine envelopes my head,
Causing a pounding in between my ears,
And making me believe that I'm gonna die.

Even though those numbers read the same,
My brain says that it's not small enough,
I feel like I take up too much space.

I feel like every little calorie that enters my body,
Has to leave just as fast as it showed up,
I've taken around 20 laxies a day for a few days.

I haven't been to the gym at all in 2 weeks,
While T went today, I stayed home and took a nap,
Because I feel too sick to my stomach to do shit.

I received some tea from a dear friend of mine,
She said it's butterscotch flavor,
I can't wait to give it a try tonight.

Other than that, I don't know what else to say,
So I'll leave you a picture of one of my new dresses,
Lots of love to all of you,
XOXO Katie

Nausea

This nausea is ruling my life,
I'm having a hard time,
Doing anything without almost throwing up.

For the first time in a long time,
I threw up without having to force myself to.
I forgot how unpleasant it is.

I've slept most of the day,
And still feel very lethargic.
I just want to continue to sleep.

It's raining here,
I absolutely adore the rain,
I'll take it over snow any day.

There's something relaxing,
About hearing the rain,
Fall ever so gently on the roof.

My weight stayed the same today,
Which I'm ok with,
As long as it's not a gain.

I've barely ate today due to nausea,
I had my bowl of cereal for breakfast,
And soup and sandwich for dinner,
Which didn't stay down.

I am definitely looking forward to bed time,
I feel like I could sleep for days,
If I didn't have kids, I probably would.

I've practically been living off,
Of Pepto,
Just something to take the edge off.

T thinks maybe the hole in my esophagus is leaking,
And putting extra pressure on my stomach,
Causing the nausea.
It's a possibility.

I don't have much else to say,
I hope you're all doing better than me,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Sunday

I really do look forward to Sundays,
Only cuz it's cleaning day.
I know, I'm weird.

Weighed in at 95lbs again this morning,
Ate my bowl of cereal while T was still sleeping,
Then when he woke up,
He asked if I wanted to go out for a family breakfast.

I was fine with it cuz it was his son's last day here,
But really anxious since I already ate breakfast.
But it was nice.

I ate two small cini-mini pancakes,
Took 6 laxies,
But ended up purging the pancakes anyway.

Then we took his son down to meet his mom,
Then drove back home.

Like I said, I look forward to Sundays,
I absolutely love the feeling,
Of a clean house.

We are going to be using his son's room,
As a guest room as well,
So I gutted and cleaned his room.

Then I decided to clean my boys' room,
Which was a disaster lol,
And I'm thinking of making a chore list,
For my oldest to do.

Simple things,
Make his bed,
Pick up his toys,
Stuff like that.

It will help keep their room in order,
And give me a little
Piece of mind.

My anxiety gets really high,
When my house is dirty,
So then I dusted and cleaned,
The rest of the house.

I am not feeling too well now,
I'm lightheaded and nauseous,
And feel drained.

So the rest of my evening will be;
Cutting coupons,
Maybe take a nap,
And spend some time with T and my boys.

I just took 6 more laxies;
So my total for the day so far is 12,
And I still have dinner to deal with.

I'm going down to see my mom tomorrow,
We are going clothes shopping,
For my boys and myself,
Since I'm gonna start looking for a job.

I hope all is well with you beautiful ladies,
I'll talk to you soon,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Laxies not workin

My family dinner wasn't so bad,
I purged after each plate,
And I only think T noticed.

I didn't weigh myself this morning,
Because I was terrified,
That the number went up.

I ate my bowl of cereal this morning,
Took 6 laxies,
Ate too big of a lunch,
Purged 3 times,
Took 5 more laxies.

And it's only 4pm,
I still have dinner,
And probably 5 more laxies.

I'm not comfortable in my skin,
I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit,
And I wish my laxies would kick in.

I went and got a hair cut today,
Only to get rid of my dead ends,
But it's way too short now.

I'm sorry I couldn't post pics of my new dresses,
My very expensive camera took a crap on me,
So now I'm in the search of a new one.

I just want my jammies on,
To sleep away the rest of the afternoon,
And forget that I even ate.

I hope you're all doing well,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie