Surgery

Well today is the day of my surgery to have cysts removed from my ovaries again. I can't eat or drink anything since midnight. Easy diet, right? I'm still weighing in at 88lbs this morning. I'm going to be calling EDC here in a few to see how things are playing out as far as getting me in goes. The more and more I think about treatment, I can see that silver lining. I want to live. I want to be able to go back to Tennessee next year and see everyone and be healthy. I no longer want to be scared of food. My intake for yesterday was only 320cal even knowing I probably wasn't going to eat all day today. My surgery isn't until 1:30pm. Then after surgery, I'm not going to want to eat anyway. I had this same surgery back in March and it took me a bit longer to recover from it. That was 22lbs ago. I'm nervous as to how my body is going to react this time. My doctor doesn't seem too concerned, which I guess is good. The sun is shining beautiful today. I am going to try to enjoy as much of it as possible before I go in. I want Starbucks. That sounds absolutely amazing. It's funny; on a daily basis, I don't mind skipping meals or not getting enough to drink, but when I'm told I'm not aloud to, I want to eat everything in sight. Last night I had quite the urge to binge. I removed myself from the kitchen though so I wouldn't do it. I ended up getting nauseous last night and tossed up most of my dinner, and not even on purpose. I am thinking about taking a nap before my surgery, even though I will be sleeping most of the afternoon and evening. I'm just trying to keep my mind of all the yummy food in the kitchen and calm my nervous. I found a quote the other day that I'm going to end this post with: Journey: The bend in the road is not the end of the road, unless you refuse to take the turn. I found this very inspiring, I hope you do too. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Treatment...?

It's been a roller coaster of emotions these past few days. In a couple hours I have my OB appointment and we are going to get a better look at what it is that is hurting me so badly seeing as the antibiotics didn't work. I'm thinking another surgery is in my near future. Yesterday was a battle with Ana. I only consumed 395 calories. I restricted like crazy. As I was writing the poem that you can find below, something came over me and I went to the EDC website and took a look around. And then the unthinkable happened. I actually called them, had to leave them a message. Within an hour, she called me back. She asked why now. So I told her a bit of my history and my current state of health. She wanted to meet with me as soon as possible. So she emailed me an 8 page packet to fill out. I meet with her in Denver at 3pm today. She is going to do my assessment, talk about my insurance coverage, and give me a tour of the place. I'm extremely nervous. Ana is pretty pissed at me right now. So much so that I only had 50 calories for breakfast. I feel the urge to skip lunch seeing as I got a long day ahead of me. I am going to see my favorite teacher from high school and visit with him for a bit before I head to Denver. I wish I didn't have to go to this assessment by myself. I wish my mom could go with me. But she also has a busy day watching my nephews. I mean, it's not like I'm committing to go, but I'm taking the first step and at least getting a good look at the place I might spend the next month at. They asked so many questions on those assessment papers. And I can't lie. I have to be honest with them or they can't help me. If you haven't read the poem I wrote yesterday, you should check it out. It's kind of a big deal for me because I haven't been able to write in so long. And yesterday the words just flowed right out. I miss writing. I think I want to do it more often. Well I have to head off for my busy day. Much love. Stay strong.
XOXO Katie

Quick Post-Update later

Eyes as blue as the ocean, And hair as long as can be.

But deep inside I keep a secret, That others are not aloud to see.

The girl that lives inside me, Ana is her name.

She loves to have the control, And plays her favorite game.

She keeps me from living, Smiling, laughing, and enjoying life.

Choosing what I do or do not eat, Causing me so much strife.

I don't know how to live without her, She has always stuck by my side.

But if I don't send her packing, Soon, I'm going to die.

The vicious words she spews at me, The nasty names I get called.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I am completely appalled.

I've lived with Ana for 12 years now, She makes me strive for "perfection."

But at the end of each and everyday, I still find myself hating my reflection.

She pushed me to my "goal weight," But 100 wasn't good enough.

She made me starve, made me purge, Broke down my barrier that used to be tough.

As easy as it sounds, I can't just push her away.

I always say at night, Tomorrow will be a better day.

But living with this demon, Has put me knocking on death's door.

Every meal that sits in front of me, Seems like a dreaded chore.

I'm so close to the end of my life, But it seems that I have to keep fighting.

The door to the other side, Seems so uninviting.

I will push through this somehow, Send Ana away for good.

I think what started out as a friendship, Quickly became misunderstood.

Less than a year to turn my life around, For my family, friends, and boys.

Before she takes the rest of me, And everything else she's already destroyed.

Today those deadly numbers, told me a tiny eighty-eight,

I need to clear my mind, get my head on straight.

It's not going to be overnight, in fact maybe years,

But I know at the end of this, there will be no tears.

My eyes will shine and smile, and I will be happy in my heart,

I will no longer be a puppet that's about to fall apart.

Bad day yesterday

I didn't gain. I suppose this is bad. I purged twice yesterday. I don't know what got into me. It frustrates me that I even gave into those urges and I'm disappointed in myself. I managed over 500cal yesterday. But I guess none of that matters because I'm a weak human being that I can't even manage to keep the food down that I eat. I took a 3 hour a nap yesterday. My body is barely going. But I'm pushing it the the max. I have been cleaning all the walls, dusting, and vacuuming all the webs out of the corners. I did eat a cereal bar this morning. I'm pretty sure I've burnt that off already though. I'm supposed to go see my doctor today, but I'm going to reschedule until I gain some weight. Otherwise I will just hear the same things I heard last time. "Less than a year, Katie, and I will be signing your death certificate." I honestly don't want to hear it. Maybe there is a tiny bit of resistance to recovery because it's been such a big part of my life. EDC still sounds like an option, if I can get my insurance to cover even just a couple weeks of it. That's two more weeks than I would normally get. I have new friends who have been encouraging me that I am beautiful and that I need to live for my boys. I missed church yesterday. I think it would have been good for me to go. My oldest starts Kindergarten tomorrow. He is so beyond excited, but I'm sad. Which is normal. My morning has been frustrating because my damn puppy chewed up my glasses. Climbed up on my desk and ate them. I only found bits and pieces of them. Needless to say, I locked his ass out. Good thing my script is still good til October. So I will go to Walmart today and see how much it would take for new frames and lenses. My mom is coming up today. Every time she comes up or I go down there, we always go out to lunch. It's kinda inevitable. I wish I could just skip that part. I could do lunch here, and that way I would have control over what I eat. 120cal so far today. I didn't even drink my coffee which isn't normal for me. I guess we will see how this day goes. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Living with her, or kicking her out

Which one is scarier? Living with Ana or living without her? She has been a part of my life for 12 years. Some days she brings me up, but most days, she is tearing me down. I don't know what life is like without her. But I know eventually, I won't have a life to live because of her. I don't see what everyone else sees when I look into the mirror. I am disgusted with myself and all I see is fat, or gross. I weighed in at 88lbs again this morning. Yesterday was 90. And what did I find myself doing? Restricting all day. By the end of the day, I had only 355cal. It causes problems with everyone in my life. I'm going to lose them all. So first thing this morning before I even let Ana have a say, I made some egg whites and a small bowl of cereal. That brought me to 134cal already. I can do this. I decided to skip church today. Both the kids are in those bratty moods, and I would rather not put the poor daycare ladies at church through that. But I plan on making this a good day. It's Sunday. The weather outside is beautiful, so maybe I can feel beautiful as well. I know it sounds like a long stretch, but it could happen. I was thinking of maybe wearing a dress, but my cuts on my legs are still quite visible and it's pretty embarrassing. I don't know if I would go back and take these past 12 years away living with Ana, but if I would have known that I would lose myself and all control of my life, I would have gone at it from a different direction. For all the girls who are reading my blog and are hating themselves or think they are fat. I understand. But God made us the way he sees us and in His eyes, we are beautiful. Some days it's hard to remember this because we are so consumed by the hatred that our eating disorders place on us, but we will be OK. I know for sure that I will live past this year. Maybe not as long as I normally would, but I will be around to raise my boys into wonderful, respectful men. I know that I will always try to make new friendships along the way. And I know that in the end, God will accept me into his arms and tell me that he loved me from the start. Stay strong. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Late night post

"What are you really scared of?" This question comes up so often but I honestly don't have an answer for it. What part of recovery scares me? Is it getting (in my mind) "fat" or is it the lack of control because I can't control anything else in my life? I have the control over what I eat (or don't eat.) It seems like the rest of the world is sitting on my shoulders and all of these things are controlling my life. I can't control all the mental problems my oldest son is going through. I can't control how others treat me. What is it that I am seeking? Am I seeking other's approval or my own? Do I have this vision of what "perfect" should be but everyone else sees as sick. We went out tonight to the bar to see some friends that I haven't seen in awhile, and I did good. I only had one drink. But I have cried 3 times tonight. Why? Because a girl that I barely know tells me her story of her husband and him dealing with his ED and how she thinks I should be getting help. It started making me think. Can I do this on my own? Is therapy, medication, dietitian, and seeing my doctor enough for me? Is inpatient my final and only option? This thought scares me. Being in a confined environment where I have absolutely no control what I eat, or how often I eat, or that I can't exercise or that I can't see the ones I love on a daily basis? I know that those are the negatives in this situation that Ana sees. What I need to realize that maybe if I were to go to EDC, then I might live longer than that year that my doctor sentenced me to. That I could be strong, and healthy and happy. But Ana hears, "fat," "fat," "fat!!" I'm sitting at 88lbs. In a logical sense, I know that it's unhealthy and not fat. But when I look into the mirror, I see my fat legs, my fat stomach, my fat faced smile. None of this makes sense to me. You would think that after 12 long, exhausting years that I have lived with this disease, I would think I would have an inkling of an idea of the mind of Ana. In the logical part of my brain, I know that my body needs food like a car needs fuel. I know that I will continue to pass out, or get lightheaded or get constant headaches if I can't kick this thing. My blood pressure today was 84/54 today. This is not healthy. But Ana is happy. I apologize if this post is all over the place, I'm just overwhelmed and the thought of inpatient scares me, but makes me feel hopeful. I just don't know what to do. I am tired, and I need sleep because I have to live for my babies tomorrow. That's just it. Just one day at a time. That's the only way I know how to do it. I will update tomorrow when I feel a bit better. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Relieved to be home

Although I do miss my family and friends back in TN. I am drinking my morning coffee and have already had breakfast. Being back home sets my mind back in recovery mode. I can do this. I've already had 190cal and it's only 8am. My heart saddens that we said our final goodbyes to my brother, but hopefully soon, I will find closure. Both of my boys come home today, so this makes me happy but a little stressed. Having the two of them together is a rainstorm about to happen at any moment. I'm taking my oldest to his Kindergarten assessments today so he can do testing. My weight hasn't changed in three days. I'm still at 88. I see my doctor on Monday morning. Oh well. Such is life and either he will have good news or bad news for me. My blood work will be back so we will know how all of my levels are doing. My blood pressure has been extremely low lately and my pulse even lower. It scares me. Ana isn't happy with me right now, but my heart is happy. Driving into the view of the Rockie Mountains yesterday made me smile. Recovery is possible with an positive attitude. Eating as much as I have already today freaks me out a bit, but I can do this. This will be a short blog for now seeing as I have to go get ready. But please remember that you don't need to be anyone else, as long as you are being YOU perfectly. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Rollercoaster goes up, then way, way down.

I woke up in such a wonderful mood this morning, and was looking forward for today's events. The Country Music Hall of Fame was absolutely amazing. I should have just walked it by myself though because my step mom seemed very irritated the whole time, which in turn made my dad in a bad mood. But I got to see all kinds of neat things. And got to see the Taylor Swift exhibit. It was amazing. I love her so much. By the time we left, we were all in bad moods. And it just got worse after that. I've had only 165cal today. I am about to eat a frozen dinner that consists of 180cal but I'm just not in the mood. I'm in the mood to drink. I haven't drank alcohol in over a month. I weighed in at 88lbs this morning. I just don't understand it. Maybe the thing is, I should just stop trying to understand it. Ana's voice is the first voice I hear in the mornings, and the last. She does control my moves when it comes to food. I did make another step towards recovery today and sent a possible Eating Disorder Mentor an application to see is she wants to work with me. I would love to work with an older lady who has been in recovery for quite some time. It would be wonderful for me. This dinner I'm eating isn't good at all, so I'm only going to eat the squash from it. Oh well. I've got other snacks and fruits as well. Even though I've been looking forward to being back at the hotel, I still can't but feel alone. I need to read a book or write some poetry. I have not written poetry in so long. I miss it. And I'm good at it. So maybe that's what I'll do. Tomorrow will be a new day. So hopefully I can fight the voices off tomorrow. Today wasn't a failure, it was a speed bump. Hit the road in the morning =) Much love
XOXO Katie

Tough day

Tears are falling from my eyes. I have caused disappointment in those around me. Some see me fighting, others see me giving up. Today has been a tough day. I had to say goodbye to my family and the new friends that I made. It's not that I'm trying to avoid food, but honestly, just not "really" that hungry. But T is right. I'm always making an "excuse" not to eat. Eating is not optional. In order to keep up with my life's constant demands, I have to fuel my body. Why am I so scared of gaining weight when I know how happy I will be in the end? I can't make up my mind if this trip has been good for me, or it's pushed me more towards Ana. I have done a lot of laughing and smiling in these last few days, but when I'm sitting here alone after all the chaos is done and over with, I cry. I feel empty. There are two beds in this room here in Nashville, and I'm sad. I have consumed 390cal so far and it's almost 11:30pm. After I get done with doing my laundry down in the hotel laundry room, I will come back up and eat a sandwich. I am processing this and pre-mediating it while I sit here. Although a hot shower sounds more amazing. See, right there, I'm making up excuses. Sigh. And now I'm just rambling on because I'm lonely. Ya'll keep up with the positive comments and thank you for my new followers. Each and everyone's comments bring a smile to my face.
XOXO Katie

I allowed myself some food

I was able to make it to 475cal yesterday. That's the most I have had on this whole trip. I even enjoyed myself some chocolate and didn't feel too guilty afterwards. I went up to 90lbs this morning. You know, despite my gain and the step in the right direction, I can't help but that panic feeling deep down when I see those numbers go up. But I talked myself through it and looked at the writing on my scale and realize that the number on there doesn't define me. It doesn't tell me how much family and friends love me or my self worth. It's quite chilly in Tennessee this morning. Foggy. But quiet. I should be packing because we are leaving the hotel at 11am this morning. Last night I got to go fishing on the Tennessee river. We didn't catch anything, and I was quite cold, but I very much enjoyed myself. Yesterday was an all around good day. A friend of mine put on the cupid shuffle on his stereo, and I was the first one up there getting down. I even got my dad up there. It was quite amusing. It's on video on all our facebooks haha. I'm sad about leaving this small town because I will miss my family, and I will miss all my new friends. But we will keep in contact hopefully. Tonight we are headed to Nashville so I can go to the country hall of fame. Something I wanted to do last year but we didn't have the time. My coffee tastes especially fantastic today. Probably because I'm a bit cold. Ana is preventing me from eating breakfast at the moment, but I know that I should eat something before we leave. I got to talk to my oldest on the phone last night. Made me cry. I miss my kids so much. I'm going to finish my packing, although I'm dreading it. I also have to balance my checkbook so I can see how much I have left for the remaining of the trip. Thank you all for the support and comments on yesterdays blog and following me on my journey towards recovery despite the set backs I will have. Much love.
XOXO Katie

I think I'm ready

The mist is laying a top of these Tennessee mountains. Kinda fitting to the mood I am in today. Three months ago, I didn't think I was going to be here. And a year from now, I'm not sure I'll be able to make it back here. Yesterday we spread my brothers ashes, finally saying goodbye with my heart, not just my head. Back at the beginning of June, I decided to stop writing in my other blog because I found it triggering to me getting worse rather than getting better. The two months since, I have had many, many fall backs. I am currently sitting at 89lbs. Two weeks ago my doctor told me that if I keep heading in this direction, he will be signing my death certificate within a year. Since this news, you would think that it would be an instant turn around. If only it was that easy. Ana is still constantly there. Controlling my thoughts and actions. Some days are good, but most are bad. We left for this trip on Wednesday morning. That morning I weighed in at 93lbs. I have lost 4lbs since we left. I knew this trip would have the possibility of relapse. I thought I could fight the voices. I did allow myself to eat White Castle burgers for the first time at the actual restaurant, only to find myself purging afterwards because I felt guilty. I haven't purged in a long while. After quitting my last blog, I turned to laxies but they have destroyed my body. I am constantly sick and weak. My whole support system is back in Colorado. I know that if I was there, then I would be at least consuming 700cal a day. But I find myself barely making 400 (if that) these last few days. As far as recovery goes, I am reading the book "Beating Ana," doing the workshops in there, and I'm doing a 30 day challenge online to try to beat this. I have been seeing my doctor every other week, my dietitian every week, and my therapist every week. I have this team who wants to help me. But I'm confused to as why I can't open my heart and let them in. T and my mom are my two biggest supporters, but unfortunately they are back home. I'm scared that by the time I get back home, I will be weighing in less. I've been smoking more, drinking more coffee just to keep myself going. I am always tired. And extremely anti-social. I'm supposed to be here spending time with my family, but my eating disorder is preventing that from happening. Tonight is supposed to be a big dinner and when I say big, I mean 19 racks of ribs, 2 turkeys, and all kinds of sides. I told myself in the mirror this morning that today was going to be different and I will allow myself to eat and enjoy every morsel of food. I hope I can keep that promise through the day. It's 10am, and I've had a mug of coffee and a 50cal yogurt. I will do this. I can do this. But I need to let go of Ana. T keeps telling me that if she was an actual person, he would kill her. I'm not sure if I would miss her too badly. I have decided to share this blog with all my friends so hopefully they can see that I really am trying. My best friend is doing what she needs to do to get better as well. We want to raise our kids together and be friends forever, so we need to get better together. I found myself dragging my dads knife across my thighs the other day. I don't know if I consider it cutting, just control more so. I guess I should end this post so I can continue with my day. I will update after tonight's get together and let you all know how it goes.