I think I'm ready

The mist is laying a top of these Tennessee mountains. Kinda fitting to the mood I am in today. Three months ago, I didn't think I was going to be here. And a year from now, I'm not sure I'll be able to make it back here. Yesterday we spread my brothers ashes, finally saying goodbye with my heart, not just my head. Back at the beginning of June, I decided to stop writing in my other blog because I found it triggering to me getting worse rather than getting better. The two months since, I have had many, many fall backs. I am currently sitting at 89lbs. Two weeks ago my doctor told me that if I keep heading in this direction, he will be signing my death certificate within a year. Since this news, you would think that it would be an instant turn around. If only it was that easy. Ana is still constantly there. Controlling my thoughts and actions. Some days are good, but most are bad. We left for this trip on Wednesday morning. That morning I weighed in at 93lbs. I have lost 4lbs since we left. I knew this trip would have the possibility of relapse. I thought I could fight the voices. I did allow myself to eat White Castle burgers for the first time at the actual restaurant, only to find myself purging afterwards because I felt guilty. I haven't purged in a long while. After quitting my last blog, I turned to laxies but they have destroyed my body. I am constantly sick and weak. My whole support system is back in Colorado. I know that if I was there, then I would be at least consuming 700cal a day. But I find myself barely making 400 (if that) these last few days. As far as recovery goes, I am reading the book "Beating Ana," doing the workshops in there, and I'm doing a 30 day challenge online to try to beat this. I have been seeing my doctor every other week, my dietitian every week, and my therapist every week. I have this team who wants to help me. But I'm confused to as why I can't open my heart and let them in. T and my mom are my two biggest supporters, but unfortunately they are back home. I'm scared that by the time I get back home, I will be weighing in less. I've been smoking more, drinking more coffee just to keep myself going. I am always tired. And extremely anti-social. I'm supposed to be here spending time with my family, but my eating disorder is preventing that from happening. Tonight is supposed to be a big dinner and when I say big, I mean 19 racks of ribs, 2 turkeys, and all kinds of sides. I told myself in the mirror this morning that today was going to be different and I will allow myself to eat and enjoy every morsel of food. I hope I can keep that promise through the day. It's 10am, and I've had a mug of coffee and a 50cal yogurt. I will do this. I can do this. But I need to let go of Ana. T keeps telling me that if she was an actual person, he would kill her. I'm not sure if I would miss her too badly. I have decided to share this blog with all my friends so hopefully they can see that I really am trying. My best friend is doing what she needs to do to get better as well. We want to raise our kids together and be friends forever, so we need to get better together. I found myself dragging my dads knife across my thighs the other day. I don't know if I consider it cutting, just control more so. I guess I should end this post so I can continue with my day. I will update after tonight's get together and let you all know how it goes.