"What are you really scared of?" This question comes up so often but I honestly don't have an answer for it. What part of recovery scares me? Is it getting (in my mind) "fat" or is it the lack of control because I can't control anything else in my life? I have the control over what I eat (or don't eat.) It seems like the rest of the world is sitting on my shoulders and all of these things are controlling my life. I can't control all the mental problems my oldest son is going through. I can't control how others treat me. What is it that I am seeking? Am I seeking other's approval or my own? Do I have this vision of what "perfect" should be but everyone else sees as sick. We went out tonight to the bar to see some friends that I haven't seen in awhile, and I did good. I only had one drink. But I have cried 3 times tonight. Why? Because a girl that I barely know tells me her story of her husband and him dealing with his ED and how she thinks I should be getting help. It started making me think. Can I do this on my own? Is therapy, medication, dietitian, and seeing my doctor enough for me? Is inpatient my final and only option? This thought scares me. Being in a confined environment where I have absolutely no control what I eat, or how often I eat, or that I can't exercise or that I can't see the ones I love on a daily basis? I know that those are the negatives in this situation that Ana sees. What I need to realize that maybe if I were to go to EDC, then I might live longer than that year that my doctor sentenced me to. That I could be strong, and healthy and happy. But Ana hears, "fat," "fat," "fat!!" I'm sitting at 88lbs. In a logical sense, I know that it's unhealthy and not fat. But when I look into the mirror, I see my fat legs, my fat stomach, my fat faced smile. None of this makes sense to me. You would think that after 12 long, exhausting years that I have lived with this disease, I would think I would have an inkling of an idea of the mind of Ana. In the logical part of my brain, I know that my body needs food like a car needs fuel. I know that I will continue to pass out, or get lightheaded or get constant headaches if I can't kick this thing. My blood pressure today was 84/54 today. This is not healthy. But Ana is happy. I apologize if this post is all over the place, I'm just overwhelmed and the thought of inpatient scares me, but makes me feel hopeful. I just don't know what to do. I am tired, and I need sleep because I have to live for my babies tomorrow. That's just it. Just one day at a time. That's the only way I know how to do it. I will update tomorrow when I feel a bit better. Much love.
XOXO Katie
As an outsider looking in and having no judgement either way...please..get help. I don't believe anyone can do this alone. Your boys need you, this you already know. YOU need you. You want to see your boys grow up and have children, YOU want to travel, YOU want to have a long and loving relationship, YOU want to live and see that beautiful sunshine every morning. DO WHATEVER it takes to get healthy. Sure, being scared is normal, but trying to do this on your own is scary too. Much love and prayers for you pretty lady. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
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