Living with her, or kicking her out

Which one is scarier? Living with Ana or living without her? She has been a part of my life for 12 years. Some days she brings me up, but most days, she is tearing me down. I don't know what life is like without her. But I know eventually, I won't have a life to live because of her. I don't see what everyone else sees when I look into the mirror. I am disgusted with myself and all I see is fat, or gross. I weighed in at 88lbs again this morning. Yesterday was 90. And what did I find myself doing? Restricting all day. By the end of the day, I had only 355cal. It causes problems with everyone in my life. I'm going to lose them all. So first thing this morning before I even let Ana have a say, I made some egg whites and a small bowl of cereal. That brought me to 134cal already. I can do this. I decided to skip church today. Both the kids are in those bratty moods, and I would rather not put the poor daycare ladies at church through that. But I plan on making this a good day. It's Sunday. The weather outside is beautiful, so maybe I can feel beautiful as well. I know it sounds like a long stretch, but it could happen. I was thinking of maybe wearing a dress, but my cuts on my legs are still quite visible and it's pretty embarrassing. I don't know if I would go back and take these past 12 years away living with Ana, but if I would have known that I would lose myself and all control of my life, I would have gone at it from a different direction. For all the girls who are reading my blog and are hating themselves or think they are fat. I understand. But God made us the way he sees us and in His eyes, we are beautiful. Some days it's hard to remember this because we are so consumed by the hatred that our eating disorders place on us, but we will be OK. I know for sure that I will live past this year. Maybe not as long as I normally would, but I will be around to raise my boys into wonderful, respectful men. I know that I will always try to make new friendships along the way. And I know that in the end, God will accept me into his arms and tell me that he loved me from the start. Stay strong. Much love.
XOXO Katie