What is holding me back? What is keeping me chained to the ground? I promised myself that I was going to destroy my scale yesterday, with a hammer and all. But when it comes down to it, I just can't do it. Every morning when I wake up, that overwhelming urge to see those numbers takes over. So then I strip down, stare in the mirror with disgust, turn around and step on the scale. No matter what my weight has been since this time last year, I haven't been happy with myself. Either I am too fat, or I look like a skeleton. It's disgusting. I should know something hopefully by Tuesday or Wednesday if my insurance is going to cover the minimum of a 3 week stay. Wednesday is my birthday. I'll be 23. My body has been through so much that I feel much older. I still haven't rescheduled an appointment with my therapist. Or my doctor. Or my dietitian. I feel like maybe everyone was right and I can't do this on my own. Maybe going inpatient is the only way to help me. The numbers did tell me 89 this morning. T wants to take me out to dinner, but since my surgery, I've been really nervous around food. I think the total number of calories I have had since Thursday night would be around 600. I didn't eat anything all day Friday, maybe 300 calories yesterday in chili and yogurt. Today was two burritos from Taco Bell. Around 300. The day of my surgery, T found my laxies and it caused an arguement between us. So I took them and threw them out the window. But I told him today that after a lunch we had today, I so wanted to take some. I guess it's a good thing he was with me. Tomorrow is Labor Day, so my oldest doesn't have school and we are going to do a cookout. I might do a chicken burger or something. I've heard recovery was hard, but I didn't think that it was going to be like this. My surgery went well. No complications. But it takes me a long time to come out from the drugs. I was still pretty drugged up yesterday. My crazy life has gotten put back in full chaos. Whiny kids especially. They might be bugging the crap out of me now, but I know when I go into treatment, I will miss them like crazy. Ok, enough rambling. Much love.
XOXO Katie
Katie my dear, I can identify so much,
ReplyDeleteI flirted with recovery this summer but I am still in the limbo between my eating disorder and recovery.
I bounce from restricting to binging and purging.
I know the nightmare you are in,
I've lived it for so long now,
What I have learned is that you just have to take a leap of faith, to trust that recovery will be better than anorexia,
No doubt recovery is hard but it will be so worth it to live rather than merely exist
I hope you choose to live,
I hope I do too,
Sending you faith, hope and courage x
Sometimes there are things we just can't handle by ourselves, and having a support system is a really positive thing that can help us succeed when we need to the most. Hang in there, babe. Text me if you need to <3
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