Day 14

I can't believe I have been here for two weeks already. Some days it seems like forever, some days it feels like it's flying by. Going home this past weekend was a success. I was able to eat according to my meal plan both Saturday night and Sunday morning. So I had my "staffing" this afternoon, and they told me they couldn't be more proud of me. I got moved up to blue level. Meaning I don't need a staff member to go out with me when I smoke, and I won't need a bathroom buddy all the time. I know to anyone else that might not sound exciting, but I am quite proud of myself. I know that I've gained weight, but I don't know exactly how much. I am guessing around 6lbs or so. So at least I'm gaining. My insurance is covering another week for me. Now it will go by a week by week basis, so each Tuesday I will find out if I get to stay another week. If I have put on 6lbs, that means that I only have another 11lbs to go until they say I'm at 90% of my body weight. I think I would be OK there. I am having a bit of a hard time adjusting to all of the food, but I am looking at it from a different perspective. I know that if I want to live my life to the fullest, and be a fantastic mother that I know I can be, I need to feed my body. It needs the fuel to keep it going. I am currently working on my Relapse Prevention Plan so I can show it to my therapist. It's very eye opening to realize everything that I can lose if I were to relapse. And everything I've already gained in the past 2 weeks here. I am feeling truly blessed that I got this opportunity to do this. To get a second chance to live. I've already put my poor body through so much hell and I know that some of it is permanently damaged, but I can't give up on it now. I am only 23. I have two kids that need me. My love that needs me. My family that needs me. And my friends that need me. In the past, I've let my eating disorder voice be so loud that I never realized how badly I've been hurting those in my life. My eyes are open now and I know that God has given me a second chance to be free from Ana. I'm taking that chance and running with it. Sometimes it's hard to imagine my life without Ana, but that's OK. Maybe being uncertain of that gives me something to look forward to. I know that a short amount of time in here, away from the outside world will give me a lifetime with those that I love. I've been paying more attention in the groups that I attend, which helps me better understand the road to recovery. Another thing I have learned in here is that I'm not alone. Besides all the other girls' blogs I read, I still didn't think that my thoughts and feelings were so common. I have made some wonderful friends being here. Some that I've grown to love from the bottom of my heart. I am thankful for the friendships I have made in here and the amount of support I have been getting not only here, but from everyone at home too. I never thought I would come to this point in my life where I was ready to be rid of my eating disorder. But I am. And it feels liberating. Tomorrow, I read my auto in my POD group. I read it to my therapist yesterday and she said she was proud of me and that I did a wonderful job. I am a bit nervous to read it in front of my peers, but I know that it will give them a better understanding of my life and why I ended up with Ana in the first place. But I am strong willed and I can do this. I want to thank everyone in my life and those that read my blog for all the awesome amount of support and love that I am receiving while trying to fight away my demons. I know that this road to recovery isn't always going to be easy, and I might have a slip once in a while, but I know that with my loved ones and God with me, I will see the other side of this eating disorder. Much love.
XOXO Katie