I have to admit that I have a habit of rushing into things. Having children, moving in with someone, and even my topic of this part of my series: My marriage.
Everything about him was perfect at first. I would skip school to go hang out with him and we would order pizza and watch movies all day. He was sweet to my oldest son despite him not being his father. Although "M" came into my oldest's life at a young age, he started calling him daddy right out the gate. M and I have technically known each other since 8th grade, but it wasn't until around my 20th birthday when we we started talking more and realized that we lived in the same apartment complex. He was shy when it came to girls. He wasn't experienced in the dating department, but he treated me well. It was only a few months after being together he asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes. I thought to myself, there is nothing wrong with this situation. Throughout our engagement, I believe we saw parts of each other that we didn't anticipate. I saw him drink more, he saw my anger more. I saw his extreme jealousy, and he saw that I wasn't the jealous type. We got married 10 months after being together, in August of 2010. I was already almost 3 months pregnant with our son, and we were doing what we thought was right. We thought getting married and having a child was the right order to do things, despite my past. Once we got married though, paradise kind of ended.
Everyone kept telling us that marriage was going to change us. Change the dynamics of our relationship. We kept secrets from each other though. After our son was born in January of 2011, is when my eating disorder picked back up. He didn't even know. He didn't know that I was purging after every meal. Just like I didn't know that he would drink after work before he came home and hide the bottles in the car, or at his brothers. Plus the alcohol he kept at the house. His drinking became such an issue with me. I knew in the back of my mind that he was just going to get worse. Alcoholism is genetic. The last few months of our relationship were just not right. We rarely talked. I bought all kinds of books to help with us. Books to help improve myself, and books about how to deal with his bipolar. I was begging for attention, and wasn't receiving it. When I got back from Tennessee after my brother was killed, is when I officially decided that we couldn't go on like this. We were both only in the relationship for our son. He was no longer sweet to my oldest because now he had a son of his own. The dynamics of our marriage were that of a miserable old couple. I cried many nights because I promised myself I would fight to the end. But I felt like we were in a loveless marriage. Ending it was hard for the both of us, but I know we are better off like this.
He is a fantastic father to our son. His whole life is to live for our kid. And him and I can be extremely civilized when it comes to things. We get along a lot better now than when we were together. I'm glad that we can benefit from our mistakes and still work together to be wonderful parents to our son. It saddens me that I could never be honest with him about my eating disorder, but honestly, I think it would have built a bigger gap between the two of us. He is supportive of me going to EDC and getting help and beat this thing, despite it being a pain for him to find daycare while he works. But I do appreciate how much he works with me for things.
This is me learning from my mistakes and dealing with how life dealt me a hand that I jumped all over. I am in a healthier and happier relationship now and I'm thankful that I can learn from my past. A part of him will have my heart because he is the father of my son and he does so well with him. Some times things were not meant to happen, and maybe our marriage was that, but our son came out of it and he is a wonderful gift. Like I said, M is a wonderful father. I will never take that away from him. Much love.
XOXO Katie
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