Telling Ana to shut up

This has been one of my most difficult challenges since entering treatment. But also, I find it easy when I engage in conversation with those around me. For me, her voice doesn't come until this time at night. When there is no one to talk to, after I have ate all my food for the day. She wants to wrap her arms around me and drag me down to that layer of hell that I try to avoid at all costs. I find it comforting that I am able to get through a meal without giving into her constant nagging, or telling me that the food will make me fat. Because while I am eating, and engaging in conversation, I am telling myself that my body needs this and that I haven't gained anything yet because my body is still trying to adjust to food. Although today I felt real uncomfortable in my clothes. I felt like I had gained like 5lbs and that none of my clothes were going to fit. I know this is not true, but it's this time of the night when I let those thoughts consume me. I have no roommate currently, so it's really quiet in my room. I have already finished the group work I wanted to work on for the night, I have already wrote in my journal, and I've already talked to my oldest son and my dad. So here I am at 11:15 at night, not tired because I slept a total of probably 12 hours through yesterday afternoon and this morning. I know that I should go to bed because I am going to want to be refreshed and alert tomorrow, but it's so difficult to fall asleep when my thoughts are so loud. I'm thinking about putting on a movie or listening to some music and just falling asleep, that way I am not just laying here with these thoughts. I miss my love. I feel bad because I called him last night with a total freak out because I had an anxiety attack and all I wanted to do was go home and be with him and my kids. But I know this is the eating disorder talking. I know that I am physically not ready to be home. But Ana seems to think different. She tells me that I have grown enough in these past 5 days to make it on my own and that I don't need this place anymore. Lies. That's all she does anymore. Is lie. This creation in my head that has been my "best friend" for the last 12 years, she lies to me. How am I to trust her ever again? Who's to say I want to? She has betrayed me. She has caused me to have a heart attack at the small age of 23. None of this would have happened had I not let her rule my life. I'm supposed to work on my autobiography to share with my group within the next couple of weeks. I'm not sure how I want to go about this. I'm not sure how much detail I want to give or how much I need to leave out. I most definitely do not want to say anything in front of the other girls that may trigger them and ruin their recovery. I miss all my friends and I'm so lucky that a lot of them follow this blog so they can get a better insight to how things are going for me. So in that case, I do apologize for not texting back as much as I would like. Things are just constantly going and by the time I have free time, it's too late to get in contact with anyone. I do appreciate all the lovely comments and all the views. It makes my life have a purpose if I know that at least I'm helping one person. Thank you all so much. Much love.
XOXO Katie