Admitting your mistakes is always hard.
Knowing it in your head is one thing, but when those words escape your mouth; it's...
Vulnerable.
Yes, that's the word; vulnerable.
I have been a terrible person over the last almost 2 years.
Ever since Ana came into my everyday life.
When it became very apparent to those around me that there was a serious problem.
When over the course of a month, I dropped weight like a dog sheds it's fur.
Today, T's son asked who Ana was.
That was interesting. T explained her as Anorexia.
How at that moment they were dealing with Katie.
But around meal time, and the couple hours following, we deal with Ana.
Although I am physically there around those times, the thoughts are all Ana's.
Today I had to admit my mistakes.
I had to put myself in a vulnerable position and admit that when T and I lost our magic was around June 2012.
That's when I ceased being Katie and started letting Ana define who I was; what I looked like.
I let that magic go. I didn't fight for it. I was too wrapped up with calories and weight to realize it was diminishing.
It saddens my heart that it's been a year and a half and I'm just finally grasping on to reality.
Ana not only took that relationship away, but all of my relationships.
Writing this; I can feel a sense of relief that I am finally getting it all out.
Ana will always be there.
She's the biggest scar on my body.
I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing what she has done to me.
It's hard to see my life without her in my head, my heart.
She is a part of who I am, a sense of discipline.
Maybe the only part of discipline that I have left.
I want to get back what I have lost because of her though.
I want my relationships back.
I want my freedom back.
This doesn't mean I'm willing to give her up.
But maybe she can sit in the back seat and no longer be my dark passenger.
If she's not right next to me, then maybe I can regain some control.
Maybe the fact that I go from 100 to 101lbs won't freak me out.
I won't fall to the floor and cry.
I can accept that my body is beautiful regardless of the numbers on the scale.
I can accept that those around me love me and they don't care about the inches around my thighs.
Because in reality, that's how it is.
The fact that my thighs touch or not only matters to Ana.
The fact that my collar bone sticks out only matters to Ana.
The numbers on the scale only matters to Ana.
All of these things are irrelevant to those that love me.
So to wrap this post up, admitting my mistakes out loud made me vulnerable.
But made it so I can acknowledge how I have hurt those around me.
It made me realize that I now can change myself to help myself grow.
No longer hide behind my little girl complex.
That I can rule my life.
No one has that control but me.
Welcome my new followers. Thank you for my continue followers who have reached out to me.
Because of all of you, I feel the inspiration to continue writing.
But to also read as well.
I love following all of your stories and getting to know each of you.
I love getting the personal emails from you.
I love the encouraging words.
I love the laughs and tears we share.
Lots of love.
XOXO Katie
This post made me smile inside and out, dear! I am thrilled and happy and in awe of the fount of personal strength within you. Xoxo, sweetest. Keep us updated!!! And let's email about finding the magic again ;) haha
ReplyDeleteVulnerability is the worst and best all at once and being honest is the same. It hurts the first few times but it's so cleansing. When I was beginning to truly contemplate recovery and not just think of anorexia as that thing I had once I thought the same thing. I thought maybe I could just keep it next to me just in case. You begin to learn that it doesn't work that way and that you have to give it up all together in order to achieve true happiness. I wasn't sure what I would do because it defined me. I spent all day hating myself, talking negatively to myself, and undermining anything that I did. I couldn't envision a life where I was confident, happy, and not concerned with my weight and appearance. Well, I'm starting to live that way. I have a long way to go and I have a lot of past things to resolve, but I feel like a weight has lifted off me. I eat double cheese burgers with bacon and fries. I actually get annoyed that I can't eat after working out because of the time frame needed for muscle gain. I look at very slim girls and I no longer envy them. I envy the girls with butts and muscle definition. Sometimes I miss having very defined collar bones and spine but I love muscle more. I love being happier and not accepting what I don't deserve. I thought I had more control but I see now that it's in this frame of mind. The future is always uncertain and the past can't be undone. It's worth the struggle, I promise. I love you lots girl.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when we realize just how much our mental illness/es effect our relationships with those closest to us. I was in a relationship for the first two years of my ED (in fact, I developed anorexia within a month after we started dating), and it was messy and doomed from the start. I left him shortly after he told me that I was no longer beautiful, and when he looked at me, he didn't see Bella anymore, all he saw was anorexia.
ReplyDeleteI think that, once you've suffered from an ED, at least a small part of it will live on in the back of your mind no matter how far into recovery you are. It mightn't take over and throw you back into relapse, just little behaviors and thoughts that might pop up out of the blue. But it can be controlled, and one day I truly believe you'll be strong enough to tell Ana to shut the hell up.
I know it's uncomfortable to feel so vulnerable, but you're so strong for facing the vulnerability instead of hiding away and telling yourself that everything's fine. The truth will set you free.
Sending lots of love and hugs <3 xx