The scale has been kind that past two days.
99lbs it reads.
Despite feeling like I'm eating like a cow.
I absolutely hate my period.
I feel bloated constantly.
And I want to eat all kinds of unhealthy shit.
I've had a lot of shit on my mind this week.
One of my best friends have been in the hospital all week.
It's a long story.
He had surgery on Thursday.
They fixed the problem,
But his vitals are not staying stable,
And he is still in an intense amount of pain.
Having a conversation with T this morning,
About where all my friends have gone.
I realized that I only have two friends that stick by me,
Even when life gets shitty.
The rest of them have been fair weather friends.
It's a sad realization to come to.
The fact that I try my hardest to keep my friends,
But reality is that they don't have time for me.
I had a good session with my therapist yesterday.
I think I am finally starting to feel comfortable with her.
But we talked about how I have unrealistic goals for myself.
For example;
I want to be "thin"
I want to be perfect.
I want everyone to like me.
I am never going to be "thin enough"
I am never going to be perfect, because no one is perfect.
There is always going to be someone who doesn't like me.
This is something that I don't understand.
Why are there people, a lot as a matter of fact,
That don't like me?
I try so hard to please people,
I put everyone in front of myself,
Even those fair weather friends.
My therapist wants me to get this book,
It's called "Codependent no more."
It talks about people like me.
I am too codependent on other people to tell me who I am.
I look to other people for their approval.
I look to other people to tell me I'm good enough.
I look to other people to tell me I'm a good mom.
I don't know my own opinion of myself.
I know Ana's opinion of me.
But that's about it.
Onto other news;
Tomorrow is my youngest son's birthday.
He is going to be three.
That means food and cake; ugh.
My laxative usage has been up.
My purging has been up.
I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday;
And that makes me disappointed in myself.
I will get my weight under control.
I will gain control back and be as perfect as I can be.
Ana will be pleased and stop yelling at me.
I started a kind of detox,
Only water and tea.
And my one cup of coffee in the morning.
I do feel a bit healthier.
But the nausea has come back.
I've been throwing up randomly.
Between that, my period, and this damn cold that won't go away,
I am having a grumpy week.
I hope you all are doing well.
Thank you for the "real" comments on my posts and keeping me in check.
I know that my disordered mind gets the best of me.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie
I hope all goes well for your friend!
ReplyDeleteyou can never really please everyone, so as a first step, try to please only the people who matter to you the most. that might help a bit, because these are the only ones worth trying to be 'perfect' for.
have a lovely sunday,
xx
Ah! We literally just talked about that book in my introduction to counseling class! He said that he recommends it for therapists even because too often we base our self - worth in the success (or not) of our clients and we have our needs for them to be okay and want to "fix" but that we can't. It's such a difficult process for me because I grew up in an unhealthy and codependent environment. I don't understand why people don't like me or why I can't tailor myself to them but them again, why should I? That doesn't make me individual or human at all. Same with you. That makes you a carbon copy of whoever you're trying to please and people are never always pleasable. Someone who sticks to who they are and what they believe are more respectable. As soon as I get to working more consistently I want to buy the book. If you start it let me know what you think!
ReplyDeleteI want the voice to be unhappy. I refuse to acknowledge it as a "her" because "she" can go f**k herself. You should start exploring what it is that YOU want. You want to be happy? Do it. You want to get to the point where you can enjoy your son's birthday and eat cake and ice cream with him? Do it. YOU have all the power and control and when you realize that, when you realize that you are not a separate entity from this and that it's not a her, not a separate human no matter how much it seems like it, you take it back. It's a scared part of you born out of self preservation. I was told recently that I'm selfish because my fist instinct in bad situations is to protect myself even if it hurts others and that was eye opening. I give and give to people and I care too much about what they think but he was right. Anorexia hurts people other than ourselves. Not divulging how you're doing or feeling hurts the people that care and sometimes that's why they leave. I had some good friends that I thought were fair weather too and I realized that I had been difficult and locked myself away. Humans have breaking points and I can't fault them for cutting their loss so to speak. They tried and they loved and they cared but it was becoming at their expense and wanting them to stay would have been selfish of me. It's a tough road, recovery. We're all hanging in there next to you girl. Some of us have pulled up the rope more and some of us less but what's important is you make that voice unhappy. You do what you want and be strong. My professors told us that often times the client gets worse before they get better because change is hard and not to get discouraged. Katie, change is really hard. It hurts. I've cried a lot lately and I've dug up crap and I've wanted to relapse because growing up is hard but you know what? It's worth it. You're worth it. There's more to do. Test your limits. I promise you won't regret it. I love you.
I hope things get better.
ReplyDeleteI eat like a cow. Thinking makes it worse.
Atleast one day in a week, let go of the barricades and let yourself be you.
Take care love.
Wow, I dream of a world of double digits... wow.
ReplyDeleteYou know, funny you should talk about codependency, because this is something that I have become very aware of in the last few weeks - particularly because I was codependent for a very, VERY large part of my life and now that I've kinda come to grips with more about who I am and what I like and don't like about myself, I've come to realise that codependent is not a word I would ever like to use to describe myself. I think that it is important to understand how we do this and why we do it - and to break free from those habits. Perhaps not in the extreme, because then you end up being one of the 'fuck the world, fuck you all' type loners and no one wants that either. I dunno... another thing that I've been thinking about on that note is that I respect people (and similarly don't respect) people who live their truth. who have a set of beliefs and opinions and who stick to those. You know - their truth. And maybe the key to figuring out your codependency issues to find your truth. Like to figure out those core values or visions which speak to the core of who you are as a person... I dunno - I hope that makes sense. Xo
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. It sounds like he's in a bad way. It's truly awful when we realize just how isolated we've become. I don't think I can count one friend outside of blogger. I have old friends on Facebook, but we never talk and I haven't seen anyone in over a year.
ReplyDeleteCarrying on from my comment on your last post; do you feel any better being in the double digits? Or is it just making you want to lose more? Again, you don't have to answer, just some food for thought.
A little Dita Von Teese quote that I like; "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches."
You and your friend will be in my thoughts. Sending lots of love and positive energy your way xx