Eating has been so stressful for me.
I'm still at 99lbs.
Just one more pound and I'll be good.
98 is ideal.
Not the best,
But good enough for now.
T said to me yesterday;
"If you have a problem keeping dinner down,
Just skip dinner and eat more through the day."
I love that he is so understanding.
But I failed at that yesterday.
I ate shepherds pie last night,
Of course it didn't stay down.
I have noticed that when I was 2lbs heavier,
I had more energy.
I felt better.
It's crazy how those 2lbs make a difference.
There is something that has been weighing on my mind,
T and I have been trying for a baby,
And I have yet to get pregnant.
I think I've permanently damaged my body.
I've never had a problem getting pregnant,
But after 2 months of trying,
I still am not.
I go to the doctor on Thursday,
I'm going to talk to her about my meds,
My constant nausea,
And the possibility of being infertile.
T asked me last night if wanting to get pregnant,
Was enough motivation to get healthy.
I told him obviously not.
I can't even pull myself away from the toilet after a meal,
I have to get rid of the food.
I have to take those laxies.
I'm too dependent on my ed.
It's so hard to imagine my life ed free,
I don't even know if that's possible.
I read all these stories on recovery,
And how it's possible for everyone.
I feel like I'm a lost cause.
I feel like I am meant to live with this forever.
That I will never be good enough.
I'm sure you can relate.
I hope this post finds you all well.
That whether you're trying to lose or gain,
That you're succeeding.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie
Hi beautiful Katie!
ReplyDeleteI was in the same mind set about recover just a couple months ago. My ed was so strong that the concept of recovery seemed so impossible and such a huge challenge it just wasn't worth the effort. Even if theres a tiny voice in your head that says 'feeling well might be nice' or 'I hate being so guilty over eating' theres hope! I needed a TON of help from doctors and therapists to get back some semblance of a real life, and I still have the ed voice in my head a lot, but I can make better decisions and think a bit more clearly now. Being in treatment for a month was what I had to do, but I hope you can find support that works for you! Try to be easy on yourself and have some self compassion. I feel it for you, but its really hard to feel for ones self <3
I am sure everything will be fine dear! it's so nice to have T on your side, supporting and understanding all about the ed (don't take it for granted, it's really not easy)
ReplyDelete:)
Hey live, I hope your test turns up useful information. I'm sure you're weight is too low to healthily support a baby. Remember those feelings of energy you had at 101! Some day, you'll be okay with low 100s. I know you will. Hang in there and keep me posted. Love you!
ReplyDeleteonly if you could believe that its all in your head, that every problem is psychological, you'd see that nothing really is a problem.
ReplyDeletelots of love, believe that there are no problems, and there'll be none!