The turth about being a mom with an ed

Being a mom is hard enough. My kids are not well behaved. My six year old tells me he hates me. My 3 year old is constantly attached to my hip. We have hourly melt downs in my house. As hard as I try to keep my house clean, it's redundant because there's always something that has to be picked up, wiped down or washed. I'm not the best mom in the world, but I do try my hardest. My kids eat candy. I let them watch SpongeBob. I don't do gluten free or organic. My 3 year old doesn't like to sit down at meals, instead he eats small snacks in front of the TV watching movies. If I didn't let him do so, he wouldn't eat at all.
My six year old is on medication for his mental issues. And I'm looked down for resulting to medication. I lose my patience and have days where I want to strangle my children. I have moments when I want to lock myself in my room, put my headphones in and cry. I spank my children because I believe they won't learn their lesson without discipline.
I love my children unconditionally. I love on them every chance I get. They get kisses and hugs from me constantly. I take them to every appointment that they need to go to. I kiss their boo boos, pick their noses, help them brush their teeth. I don't talk down to them, even if the choices they make are not the smartest. I encourage them in everything they do. I snuggle them when they're sick.
So as you can tell, being a mom is a tough job, especially with two special needs kids. But then we put my ED on top of it all, and it makes it that much harder. With ED thoughts running around in my head constantly, sometimes it's hard for me to focus on my children. I run myself ragged and to the point of exhaustion. Because on top of taking them to their appointments, I have to take myself to mine as well. If I had to break it up in percentages, my ED thoughts and behaviors take up about 50%, my children take the other 50%. I also have to squeeze time and energy into the house, T, and friends.
My children have seen me at my sickest. I've had to rely on T to help me with them when I was sick and didn't have the energy to do anything. I couldn't get off the floor by myself, let alone lift my youngest to put him in his crib when he was younger. I've had to explain to my 6 year old what was wrong with me without going into too much detail.
Through all of this, I've kept fighting, for them. They are my world and I wouldn't change one thing about them. Although some days I feel like giving in, or not picking up toys, changing diapers or making dinner, I still do so. There are nights when I make hamburger helper or a frozen pizza instead of going all out to make something a bit healthier. But my kids have food in their bellies, a roof over their head, clean clothes to wear, and most of all, they have stability. I will always put their needs in front of my own.
So for all those people that have told me that I was being selfish over the last two years because I was killing myself with my ED, I hope I've given you some insight to what it's like to be a mom and living with such a disease. It's not easy some days, but I do the best I can. My kids are loved and they have everything they could ever want and need.
XOXO Katie