My letting go letter

So I am writing this letter to RJ. To let him know he doesn't have control over me anymore. Enjoy.
To RJ, Sept. 27, 2012

I know that I will never give you this letter that I am writing, but I think it is good for me to get it all out so that I can let go and drop all of this baggage that you placed on me. Here I am, almost 8 years later, and I still can not let go of what you did to me. I don't know where you are in your life, and frankly, I don't care. But you need to know where I am at in my life and what you did to contribute to the way I am today... You hurt me. In every way humanly possible. You started hitting me 2 weeks into our relationship. I was so young. I didn't know how to handle the situation. You were twice my size so there was no way that I could fight you off. You were two years older than me, and after watching what your dad put your mom through, I didn't think I would see a side like that of you. But here's the catch. Eventually it didn't just become your other side, it became your whole self. I didn't know another you. You tore me down and destroyed everything that I had once stood for. Not only did you take away my virginity, but then forced me to have an abortion at the age of 13! Adoption wasn't an option with you because you and your mom didn't want anyone to know. So we kept it a secret, your mom paid for it, and then we went about our life afterwards. You left me to deal with that pain alone. You didn't understand why I couldn't get over it. For 3 years you made my life a living fucking hell and I can't even begin to process where in your mind you felt it was right to treat me that way. But I didn't know any other way of life. My dad assumed that life with you was perfect and didn't take too much into consideration when I practically started living with you. You made me your property in no time and took away anything that would connect me to the outside world. I was your puppet. I was your slave. I still, to this very day, have nightmares about you. Some days when I wake up, I wake up emotionally upset, and sometimes I wake up really fucking angry. Angry at you. Angry at myself. How could I let someone treat me the way you did and not do anything about it. Your sister and your mom both knew and witnessed what you did to me. Everyone was too scared of you to say anything, so we kept it our little secret. Here's the thing about little secrets though RJ. They become very heavy burdens, and the victim has to deal with it for the rest of their life. But that is why I am taking this chance to write this letter. I do not want to live with this burden for the rest of my life. Everyone knows what you did to me. Except you. I am not sure you are quite aware of what you did to me and how it affected my life and future. RJ, I fucking watched you beat the shit out of your mom a week before Christmas one year. You always said you wouldn't hurt your mom because she was the one who protected you from your dad. Did it make you feel like a piece of shit when you were doing that? Did you regret it when the cops took you to the halfway house and you had to go to court? You know what I regret about that situation? Your mom begged me to go to the courts and show them the bruises, the bald spots in my hair, the burns on my legs, just to send you to jail; and I didn't. Because I was convinced that you would change. Like all the time you said before that. You never fucking changed. You continued to be the same controlling asshole that you had always been. I know that you don't think of me these days, but everything you did to me has been placed in my memory. I want these memories out and away. You sold me to your "friends" for drugs or money. You didn't care what they did to me, as long as you were getting something out of it. A girl at the age of 14 should not even know the things that I knew at that point. Fucked up thing is that the money that you got from other guys using my body, you didn't even share. You kept it all to yourself and claimed that you were the man, and you were in control of the money. You wouldn't let me wear blue jeans because you were so "gangsta" and if I wore blue, then I was being disrespectful towards you. Everyone that was even remotely close to either one of us knew what you were doing to me. It's not like you could cover up all the physical abuse you put me through. People noticed my hair missing. People noticed the black eyes. The bruises that covered my body. But I denied it all. Just to keep you safe. Wow, was I fucking stupid. You kept me down to one meal a day so I wouldn't get fat. I needed to be everything you needed to keep your habits going. You told me that I was ugly. And that sometimes guys would request a bag to put over my head when they used me because I was so ugly. Although that never happened. You used that to beat down my self esteem even more than it already was. That's why I live with an eating disorder to this day. Because something that started out as one tiny insecurity, you blew way out of proportion with the way you treated me. By the time that I got out of our relationship, I was so beat down, physically and emotionally, that I didn't know if I was ever going to be the same. You raped me a month before I finally got the nerve to leave you. That's when I started cutting. And when you found out that I was cutting, you made me feel guilty. Guilty for using something to control something in my life. You had my whole life in the palm of your hand. You even told me on several occasions that if I went to anyone and told them the physical pain you put me through, that you had a gun that I couldn't find, and you weren't afraid to use that. Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing about you was right. And honestly, I hope that your life is miserable. I hope that your daughter, Winter, doesn't have anything to do with you. I hope she gets taken away from you. Because in no short time at all, you will be treating her the same way. That's why her mom left. That's why your sister has temporary custody of her. You are a very destructive, selfish person and I am ready to get rid of you for good. I am happy in my life where I'm at, and I can not continue to carry the baggage with my relationship that I am in. He doesn't deserve that, and neither do I. I hate you. And I mean HATE you. To my very core. With everything that I am, I would give anything to watch you suffer the way I did, and still do. But come your day, I won't be the one making that call. You will have to face God and see the person that you are. He makes the judgement, and you will have to face the consequences for what you did and probably are continuing to do to this day. So to wrap this up, I am going to say that this is it. This is the end. I'm taking this baggage of mine that I've been carrying around for so long, and I'm throwing it away. From this point forward, you will have zero control over me and my thoughts. I am no longer giving into fear of you, but giving myself my life back. Maybe one day, this letter will find you. And I hope you realized that you hurt me to the point of nothingness. But I'm taking my voice and power back. How does that make you feel? Here, I've even attatched a song for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMHPDIz02gQ

Day 14

I can't believe I have been here for two weeks already. Some days it seems like forever, some days it feels like it's flying by. Going home this past weekend was a success. I was able to eat according to my meal plan both Saturday night and Sunday morning. So I had my "staffing" this afternoon, and they told me they couldn't be more proud of me. I got moved up to blue level. Meaning I don't need a staff member to go out with me when I smoke, and I won't need a bathroom buddy all the time. I know to anyone else that might not sound exciting, but I am quite proud of myself. I know that I've gained weight, but I don't know exactly how much. I am guessing around 6lbs or so. So at least I'm gaining. My insurance is covering another week for me. Now it will go by a week by week basis, so each Tuesday I will find out if I get to stay another week. If I have put on 6lbs, that means that I only have another 11lbs to go until they say I'm at 90% of my body weight. I think I would be OK there. I am having a bit of a hard time adjusting to all of the food, but I am looking at it from a different perspective. I know that if I want to live my life to the fullest, and be a fantastic mother that I know I can be, I need to feed my body. It needs the fuel to keep it going. I am currently working on my Relapse Prevention Plan so I can show it to my therapist. It's very eye opening to realize everything that I can lose if I were to relapse. And everything I've already gained in the past 2 weeks here. I am feeling truly blessed that I got this opportunity to do this. To get a second chance to live. I've already put my poor body through so much hell and I know that some of it is permanently damaged, but I can't give up on it now. I am only 23. I have two kids that need me. My love that needs me. My family that needs me. And my friends that need me. In the past, I've let my eating disorder voice be so loud that I never realized how badly I've been hurting those in my life. My eyes are open now and I know that God has given me a second chance to be free from Ana. I'm taking that chance and running with it. Sometimes it's hard to imagine my life without Ana, but that's OK. Maybe being uncertain of that gives me something to look forward to. I know that a short amount of time in here, away from the outside world will give me a lifetime with those that I love. I've been paying more attention in the groups that I attend, which helps me better understand the road to recovery. Another thing I have learned in here is that I'm not alone. Besides all the other girls' blogs I read, I still didn't think that my thoughts and feelings were so common. I have made some wonderful friends being here. Some that I've grown to love from the bottom of my heart. I am thankful for the friendships I have made in here and the amount of support I have been getting not only here, but from everyone at home too. I never thought I would come to this point in my life where I was ready to be rid of my eating disorder. But I am. And it feels liberating. Tomorrow, I read my auto in my POD group. I read it to my therapist yesterday and she said she was proud of me and that I did a wonderful job. I am a bit nervous to read it in front of my peers, but I know that it will give them a better understanding of my life and why I ended up with Ana in the first place. But I am strong willed and I can do this. I want to thank everyone in my life and those that read my blog for all the awesome amount of support and love that I am receiving while trying to fight away my demons. I know that this road to recovery isn't always going to be easy, and I might have a slip once in a while, but I know that with my loved ones and God with me, I will see the other side of this eating disorder. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Day 10 in treatment

I'm sorry that I have been so absent. This has been a very long, emotional week. But I am excited about tomorrow because I get the privilege of leaving for the night tomorrow and going home. My family group is in the morning and my love is coming to that. Then after I get out of program, we are heading back to the house for the night. I get to see my youngest and I get to have some time away from here. So onto other things; last night I started writing my "autobiography" to read next week. I have to read it to the girls in my group and I'm pretty nervous. I have about 5 pages so far and I'm about half way through. While writing it last night though, I found a lot of triggering thoughts entering my mind. I had an overwhelming urge to cut myself. Luckily I talked to one of the girls about it and I didn't end up doing it. I was quite proud of myself. I have to have the rough draft of my auto done by Monday so my primary therapist can read it before I read it in front of everyone. I hope to get it finished on Sunday night. I'm really sad because we are losing one of the girls that I have become close with. She is leaving next week to go to a new place for a better level of care. That's one thing that does suck about places like this. You make some awesome friends but people come and go so often. But I have formed some awesome friendships and have made a few enemies. That's something that I learned this week all over again. I forgot what it's like to be in a place with a whole bunch of girls, seeing as I live with all guys. But gossip happens, things get said, and people get offended. According to the nurse I see every other day, I have only made a little bit of progress as far as weight goes, that they wanted to up my meal amount again. That's another reason why I'm so emotional this week. My meal plan has doubled. My average day with meals kinda looks like this; For breakfast it's either a bread day with peanut butter or a cereal day with milk. My breakfast consists of one of those, plus I have to have a fruit, plus I have to have a protein and this is around 9am. Then at 10:30 I have my AM snack which is trail mix. After that at 12pm we have lunch. My lunch is the normal what everyone else gets, plus a 1/2 cup of boost and another fruit. At 3pm I have my afternoon snack. Which is two snacks for me. Then at 5pm we have dinner. I have a regular dinner like everyone else, plus a fruit and another 1/2 cup of boost. And then finally at night sometime before bed, I have another snack. Which is another two snacks for me. So as you can see, I'm on a way different routine than what I was used to. Although I am doing it. I am eating 100% of all of my meals. I haven't been purging or taking laxies. I'm having a hard time with it, but I try to put that in the back of my mind while eating. Ana was pretty loud today, and still is. But instead of listening to her put me down, I'm concentrating on what I need to do to get better. I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I thought I would update everyone on what my life consists of these days. In between all those meals and snacks, I am in groups doing different things. I am in program from 8:15am-6:15pm during the week. Saturdays are 8:15am-3:15pm. And Sundays are 10:15am-6:15pm. Saturday nights we eat dinner at the house. And Sunday mornings we eat breakfast at the house. Then while at the house at night, we are working on projects for our groups at program. So as you can see, my days are quite busy. This is why I am so looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday morning. I'm nervous to see how I will do with dinner and breakfast on my own, but I'm confident that I can do it. My therapist is so proud of me for how much progress I have made in the short time that I have been here. She is already talking about moving me to IOP within a couple weeks. And then home. As long as my insurance covers it. But we will see what this weekend brings. I hope you all are doing well and I miss reading all the blogs. I promise to update more. Much love.
XOXO Katie