I need a scale!!

This getting weighed only once a week is driving me insane. I miss my scale. I know T got rid of it because it would just enable me, but I'm not sure that is the case anymore. I need to know if I'm succeeding at this weight gain thing or failing miserably. That's how I feel. I feel like I suck at recovery. I can't stop beating myself up, I'm drinking tea and coffee like it's going out of style. I'm working on my 4th cup of coffee. I put pumpkin creamer in this one. OMG is it amazing. I will probably have another cup of coffee on my way to support group. My best friend and I are riding up together tonight. Yay. I watched a very interesting documentary about Dana, the 8 year old anorexic. Thank you so much ruby for recommending it. It was so sad to see this girl in an eating disorder state of mind at such a young age. And how all of the thoughts and behaviors that she had are just like mine. On the outside, a lot of people don't understand why we are the way we are. And like they said in the documentary, I have two people inside of my head. One is myself, the other is Ana. Ana is a controlling bitch. She's mean, she is deceitful, but she also knows me the best. She has always been there for me, and always stood by my side. Unfortunately, it was only to benefit her. All the things she has told me through the years have turned out to be lies. But yet, I still listen to her at times. She still tells me what is good for me and what is going to make me hate myself later. It's a vicious circle with her. When I first got home from treatment, I didn't have a problem eating my snacks or indulging in sweets every once in awhile, but now, I am trying my hardest to stay away from anything sweet. All I can think about is what I looked like before I lost all my weight and it scares me. I don't want to get back up there. I think I'm good where I'm at. I have curves again, but not near as big as they used to be. I know that my ideal weight is 110lbs. I could get there easily if I wouldn't give into these thoughts. If I wouldn't believe Ana when she tells me I am getting fat or that my tummy is disgusting. And I feel so lazy. I had the perfect opportunity to go to the gym today and work out. I didn't have either one of the boys and I had a couple hours to myself. But instead of going to the gym, I cleaned the whole house and did laundry. And sat on my ass and read blogs. I'm going to gain weight like crazy unless I can get motivated to do something. Ugh, I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I felt like venting. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Recovery focused day

Yesterday I woke up in a great mood. I am proud to say that I ate all 3 meals and all 3 snacks and didn't even give my eating disorder a single moment of my time. I had a very productive day of cleaning the whole house and then my car. It helps keep me distracted and makes everything more manageable. Then T and I made a huge pot of spaghetti sauce for last nights dinner and to freeze for future meals. It was nice to do it together and I enjoy making it and not buying it so that way I know what is going into it. I served the spaghetti with garlic bread and I even ate a piece. Most definitely not one of my safe foods but I pushed past it anyway. I am thinking about writing a letter to my therapist from treatment and letting her know how I'm doing and maybe send her a picture of the boys and I. Ugh, pictures. I need to get those done this month so I can get together Christmas cards. With this stupid time change, the boys are not adjusting very well. They were up before I was this morning, so I didn't even get a moment to myself for a cigarette quietly. But my oldest is at school and my youngest will be going down for a nap here soon, and then T and I are going to work out. I'm pretty excited because I haven't worked out in so long besides doing the ab wheel. Let me tell you, that thing is killing my abs so good lol. I am bound and determined to get rid of this belly fat and put the weight back on where I want it. I want to find a used stationary bike so that way I can work on my legs as well. I still have the gap, but it's very small. I don't want to go back to having legs where I don't feel comfortable in shorts again. One part of me is like, "You worked so hard to achieve the body you wanted, so why undo it all?" The other part of me is, "You are not getting fat, you are getting healthier, which will help you in the zombie apocalypse more." Sorry, watching too much The Walking Dead. That show is absolutely amazing and the way they just left last night, I don't wanna wait a whole week for another episode. If you haven't watched the show, you need to. But start from the beginning, otherwise you will be very confused. One more thing, thank you to my 3 new followers I got this week. Everyone's love and support puts a smile on my face. Much love.
XOXO

I wish this was easy

Talk about over controlling eating disorder thoughts. They have been constantly racing through my head all day. "Don't eat that. It will make you fat." "You know you want to purge your dinner because you most definitely at way too much." "Look at all these pictures of models and hate yourself even more." Yes, I have spent the last half hour looking at pictures of models because they are so gorgeous. Those girls in Playboy are freaking perfect and I hate it. Why can't I be perfect? I've been trying to keep myself distracted so I don't go into the bathroom and purge my dinner like my eating disorder wants me to. I saw my therapist today. She has so much faith in me that I will beat this and I don't have to engage in behaviors. But like T pointed out last night. I am engaging in behaviors when I eat my meals but don't eat the amount of calories I need to. And in my eyes, I feel like I ate way too much dinner but in his eyes, he said I barely ate anything. He went back to work after dinner and being here alone with just my oldest is so very tempting. But I haven't given in yet. I went to my first support group since I left treatment last night. It was nice to be able to talk to other girls struggling and my best friend is also in that group, so that was nice. I also hung out with her for a few hours today and we got to have a deep conversation for the first time in a long while. I've missed her. I am doing grocery shopping tomorrow and for the first time in a long time, I am feeling high anxiety about it. I feel like I need to do a grocery list and actually stick to it so I don't have a major freak out at the store tomorrow. I've found myself looking at the calories on things again, but not really letting it affect whether I eat it or not. I just feel like I need to know how many calories are in it. So I think I am going to go and do my grocery list so I can avoid having that anxiety attack tomorrow. Have a good night.
XOXO Katie