An update

So here I am, halfway through my pregnancy. I wish I could say things have been a walk in the park for me, but if I'm being completely honest, I am having a hard time coping with the changes that my body is going through. There are days where I feel like I've eaten too much, so I feel like purging. That thought never goes away.
I know that I've got my baby to think about, which is what keeps me from acting on my behaviors. But it's like an addiction that I'll never fully recover from. I'm terrified that when the baby comes, I am going to slip back into old habits. That I will be completely disgusted with what I see in the mirror, and I'll run over to the toilet and stick my fingers down my throat.
I can't let myself do that again, but it doesn't mean that the thought isn't there. I can't count how many times my youngest was in the bathroom with me and watched me purge my food, and that kills me. I feel like the worlds worst mother because of it.
Everyone tells me that I need to think about my kids and what their futures would be like if they didn't have their mother around because she killed herself with her eating disorder. It's a sad cycle really.
My best friend and I were texting the other day and she said to me, "Katie, we are strong, and we will beat our eating disorders. We will live full, healthy lives." I replied, "You know, you've been saying that for years." Which she has. We've both lived with our eating disorders for 14 years now, and we always say that it's going to get better, but we always relapse. ALWAYS.
I am very grateful that I haven't let it take over my body during my pregnancy, but I know it's there. I know Ana is scratching at the door, begging to come in. Most days, I can shut her out, pretend like she isn't there. The nights are the worse though. It takes me at least a minimum of 45 minutes to fall asleep every night because the thoughts won't stop running.
And I'm not just saying it's Ana that keeps me awake at night. It's everything. My dad hasn't talked to me in months. He won't return my calls or texts. And then there is my other "best friend, E." I don't know what her problem is, but it's like I'm nothing to her now.
About two months ago, she came and hung out with me and T at our house, and brought her new boyfriend, who she was afraid I wasn't going to like. But we all hung out, smoked some weed, and had a good time. I haven't talked to her since that night. I've texted her, I've called her, I've even showed up at her work; nothing. She won't respond. And I know that she is okay, because I see her post stupid shit on Facebook all the time. I think the only way I am going to get her attention is tag her in a status on Facebook and see if she responds. A part of me wants to be a total bitch about it, but that's not me.
This has probably been my biggest burden lately. Is how it's so easy for everyone to walk out of my life, like 13 years of friendship, or the fact that I am still his daughter, means nothing. I'm very lucky to have T and his dad, and my boys, and my mom, but what about all the people who said they would stick by my side through everything?
I'm sorry that I'm ranting. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, and I'm sorry for that. I will try my hardest to post more often. Please ladies, send me an email and let me know how you are doing. I miss you all so very dearly, and I want to know that you're all doing ok. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie

Pregnancy and Ana

So the assumption was that as soon as I got pregnant, that Ana would just disappear and I would be fully recovered. I wish that was the case. I wish that as soon as I got pregnant that the terrorizing voices would dissipate, but they are still there on a daily basis. Especially if I eat triggering foods.
The other night I ate Ramen for the first time in months. It was terrible. The only reason why I ate them is because I was literally craving it. Even as I was eating them, I was regretting it. And after I was done, all I wanted to do was purge them. I mean, this is a food that I would eat just for the soul purpose of purging it in the past.
This is just one of the many struggles that I deal with daily. I am still smoking pot. My doctor knows and pretty much told me that the benefits outweigh the risks. Smoking takes away the anxiety and helps me eat. But if I don't smoke, I don't have an appetite and then I won't eat. It's terrible.
My weight has gone up 6lbs since I found out I was pregnant. Most days I can deal with it, other days, I am dreading how much weight I am going to gain throughout the pregnancy. Since I was considered underweight at the beginning of my pregnancy, they want me to gain 35lbs. This terrifies me. That would put me at 140lbs again. That's what I weighed before I became hard and heavy into my eating disorder.
T worries that I will go running back to Ana as soon as the baby comes, and honestly I can't blame him. It's such an easy thing to turn to when you're desperate. I am not saying that I will turn to my eating disorder once the baby comes, but I am not going to lie; it would be really simple to turn to something so familiar.
I am seeing my therapist this morning. I've only seen her once since I found out I was pregnant. At the time I was so ecstatic about being pregnant, I didn't eve think that I would ever have to deal with Ana again. As I've gotten further along, I've realized that isn't the case. I've realized that pregnancy isn't the fix all for an eating disorder.
I love being pregnant. I love the idea of bringing another life into this world and sharing that experience with the love of my life. I'm excited to be a mom again and hopefully this time to a little girl. There are far too many boys in this house lol.
I'm not saying this will be an easy journey, because I'm pretty sure there are a lot of bumps in the road ahead, but I'm not going to let Ana win. I can't give her the satisfaction of being right all the time and not allowing me to have a life without her in it. She will always be there, but I don't have to let her drive any longer. I'm in control, this is my life, not hers.
Thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. I miss you all so dearly and I can't wait to get updates from all of you.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Being pregnant with an eating disorder

First off, I want to thank all of you for continuously checking up on me and seeing how I am doing. Let me get you all caught up...
As you can tell from my post title, I am pregnant! I know, exciting news. T and I are both convinced that God gave me what I wanted just as soon as I gave him what he wanted, and that was Recovery. As soon as I became recovery focused, God gave me a baby.
Things with the baby have been good, although it hasn't been easy. Trying to maintain a healthy pregnancy but dealing with the voice of Ana has been hard. Most times when I eat, I can shut her up, but then there are days where I just can't get her out of my head. She is loud and screaming at me. Last night was one of those nights. I ate 2 whole pieces of cheesecake, by myself. And found myself crying afterwards and couldn't get those negative thoughts out of my head.
T told me last night that he can't imagine me going the remaining of my pregnancy fighting off Ana, because if things don't change, I am going to end up running back to Ana once the baby is born.
I do plan on doing a proper, informational post about what it's like to be pregnant and living with an apparent eating disorder. But to be honest, it's taken me two weeks to convince myself to get on blogger and post.
Unfortunately, I am not going to be able to read your posts, because I will find them triggering, and I am sorry for that. But I would love to get some emails about how each of you are doing individually or some comments on here. I also want to ask Bella if you got my letter? I sent you a letter about a month back and haven't heard from you by mail or email.
I miss you all so very much and I will try to keep you all updated on my life.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie