I have done it again... Triggering

Well first off let's start with my appointments I had today. Last week when I saw my dietitian, I was up two pounds than I was today. Yeah, I've lost 2lbs in one week. I was hoping that I was at least maintaining. But the restricting is probably playing a part in it. "No shit it's the restricting. You might as well mention the purging as well." Sigh... Yes, I did it. I can't be anymore disappointed in myself than I am right now. It just happened. I was overcome with Ana and I wasn't myself anymore. I got up from that table and just walked to the bathroom in a daze, fully aware that I wasn't Katie, I was Ana. It was so easy. It's like it hasn't been long at all since the last time I stuck my fingers down my throat. But I can't go backwards. I can't let this happen after I eat every time, or I'm going to keep drastically losing weight. My dietitian wants me to research the health risk factors of being under 90lbs. She said that she wants me to at least maintain between today and our next appointment, but she said that I might go back down again. I had to sign my contract with her today saying that I won't skip appointments, I will try to manage over 1,000 calories a day and I will do my research. So now I have homework for my therapist and dietitian. I should probably get on top of that. And go start dinner. Sorry for a scattered post. I hope everyone is doing well. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Grocery Shopping

Why do I buy things that I know I will not eat? Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I'm convinced that I will just stop caring and eat it. Like the damn chocolate muffins that now sit in my pantry. What was I thinking? Everything I bought for me was based on the calories. I haven't been this bad in months. I got 30cal almond milk for cereal that I probably won't allow myself to eat. It's been entirely too long since I've had breakfast. My meal plan is stuck to my fridge. But Ana ignores it every time I open the door. I also bought pumpkin baking mix to make pumpkin bread that everyone else will eat but I won't touch. As I stand there pulling things off the shelves and looking at the calories of every item, people pass me and look at me like I have a huge sign on my back that says "Anorexic." Not saying that I don't judge as well. If I see a really skinny girl in the grocery store, I automatically look in her basket. If she has things like me, then I assume she has an eating disorder as well. I actually had these two ladies pass me in the store today as I was admiring calories and one whispered to the other, "Yeah, like she needs to be counting calories." I find comments like that rude. Don't assume that I read the nutrition labels on things to amount up to a superficial standard of skinny. This goes way deeper than that. I need to amount up to my standards. Unfortunately those are usually impossible to reach, but I'll try anyway. This is killing me. Not only physically, but emotionally as well. I want nothing more than to wake up in the morning and my eating disorder be gone. Something I don't have to dwell on every moment of the day. Today is just a rough day, and I'm not even sure why. It's almost 2pm and I have had nothing to eat. This restricting is getting out of hand again and I can't afford to go back down to 84lbs. And the last time I weighed myself, I was only 9lbs away from that. I have my family and kids to think about. I wish it was that easy. I wish that every time I went to go eat something that my thoughts were on what I could lose in life instead of the amount of calories the food has in it. I've been trying to listen to my recovery CD in efforts of making myself feel better, but that's not working. I just want to sleep until my eating disorder has vanished. Time for me to go get my son from school. Hope everyone is doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie

9 questions from Miss Bones Jackson

I was nominated again for another liebster blog award by Miss Bones Jackson over at My way to beauty. So here are my answers:
1: What did you want to be when you were 8 years old? When I was younger, I wanted to be a vet. Then two years later that changed to writer.
2: Do you have pets? I have 3 dogs and a hamster.
3: What do you like about your life? My family. My kids. My friends.
4: What would you do, if by waking up tomorrow, your ED would have been gone? The first thing I would do is drink a big glass of OJ and then go out to eat with my love.
5: Which person(s) do you never want to leave your side? First of all, I don't ever want to lose T. He is such an important part in my life. Then there are my kids, and my mom. And my best friends.
6: What is your favorite color? My favorite colors are pink and black, but they have to be together.
7: What does your exercise routine look like? I don't currently have one because I'm not suppose to exercise until I put on another 10lbs.
8: Do you live alone or with friends or family? I live with my boyfriend and our three kids.
9: What makes you sad? When the people I love put themselves down.

Hope everyone is doing well. I will properly update later.