A letter

Dear Lost kid,
Tonight sucked. You have hurt me repeatedly but I still try to make you at least like me. All those hurtful words that you have spewed out like word vomit, but then act like nothing happened. You always want more, but can not give me anything in return.
I wanted to punch you in the face tonight. I wanted to yell at you. I wanted to unload on you, but that doesn't make me any better than you, does it?
I started writing you this letter because I wanted to express my displeasure with you. I know I can write what I want here with a 99% chance you'll never see it. The things I want to say to you but know you'll never actually here because unless you need something from me, I don't mean shit to you.
You hate me, fine, I've accepted it, but why do you have to spread these toxic lies about me? Do you think people won't tell me? Do you think I wasn't ever your age?
I was in your position once. I knew everything. I didn't need anyone but my friends. I wanted to be an adult but I was just a child myself. You know where that fucking got me? In a 3 year abusive relationship, pregnant and homeless at 15, and dropping out of high school in my sophomore year.
But you know what the difference between you and I is? I grew the fuck up, got a job, went back to school. I graduated, even if it was almost two years late. And guess what? I graduated high school working 2 jobs, and taking care of a one year old.
Now before you think I'm having myself a pity party, understand this. The decisions I made around the same age you are is what got me into the previous mentioned situation. I take full responsibility for it. I, unlike you, didn't fuck up every last chance at high school before semester of Freshman year.
I've tried talking to you til I'm blue in the face. I've tried being your friend, but you didn't want that. I tried being an authority figure and that made you hate me even more. You've spread nasty lies about me. You've said hurtful things about me. You tried having everyone turn on me since the beginning.
So here's the end of this letter. I'm done. I'm done trying. I'm done listening. I'm done giving you things. I'm not going to continue to make myself vulnerable to your toxicity. I love you. That will never change. But I'm not giving anymore. Not until I can at least get something in return. Shit, even a sincere apology would bring me a little closer to believing you cared.
Signed, disappointed

"Holy 6 months, Batman"

Wow, it has been way too long since I've posted on here. Too long for comfort, honestly. Hello everyone! Is there anyone still out there that's even interested in reading anymore? I hope so. So, in the slim chance there is, bare with me because this will probably be a long post. Grab some popcorn ;)

First things first, I am a married woman now. That's right! We tied the knot on September 25th. It was a small wedding in our close friend's backyard. Probably only a total of 30 people, if that. It was amazing. It was everything I could have asked for in a wedding, and I felt like a princess. I know there's a few of you that I'm friends with on Facebook, but for the others who are not, I'll post a pic for you. =) 

Alright, what to talk about next? How about our beautiful princess, Syrsha. She is so smart. She is 10.5 months already. She's climbing on the couch all by herself and thinks it's pretty awesome. She's taking steps around furniture and even sometimes feels brave enough to let go for a few seconds before falling on her butt. She says words like; mama, dadda, Sarah, uh oh, more, and a few others. She loves being sung to and sings along with you. At her 10 month check up she was 17lbs and 28in long. I can't believe where the time has gone since she was born. She has changed so much in not only our family's lives, but my soul. She is usually such a happy baby and can make anyone smile. 

This was in Aug for daddy's birthday

Moving forward to the boys. The oldest turned 8 in July and started 3rd grade this year and is rocking it with flying colors. After a very hard and stressful year last year, we were close to having to remove him from the home. It was so difficult to be in that position. As a mother, my job is to protect my children, but when I was having to protect them from one of my own children, I knew something had to change. Through the summer he was participating with in-home therapy twice a week and seeing his regular therapist once a week. His meds were constantly being changed, his second grade teacher was a nightmare, and he was becoming violent with my and the baby. So, I discontinued all the therapy, took him to his regular pediatrician where they have had him on only one med for a few months and it's working wonders. I started connecting with him on a more strict level and his teacher this year is a saint. He's become a whole new kid and I'm loving it.

The youngest is in his last year or Pre-K. He had a rough summer. His father and I have not been on the same page since the beginning of the year and trying to be both parents while he gets to be his friend instead of his father, has proven to be a challenge. He's 4.5 and is becoming his own little independent person, which would be great if he was trying to be himself and not everyone else. He is very influential and it's difficult to reason with him because as he says, "he knows everything and can do anything he wants," lol. He's still a total sweetheart and makes me smile all the time. He's a social butterfly and can make friends with anyone. 

Alright, enough bragging about my family. Can you tell I'm a little proud? ;) 

Moving on to the rough stuff. Back in May I went to the hospital because I was feeling suicidal. I felt like I was on auto pilot all the time. I was not enjoying life. It was really hard to deal with because it made no sense. I had a beautiful family who loved me, a newborn daughter to care for, and a man who loved me to the end of the world. But something wasn't right. I was wanting to self harm, I stopped eating what I needed to, to continue breastfeeding Syrsha. I slept ALL the time. On Memorial Day, my mom drove me to the emergency room where they kept me on an 8 hour hold and was evaluated by their shrink. I promised not to kill myself and see my OB the next day. That's when I learned that the med I was on to help my supply for breastfeeding was only supposed to be a temporary medication. I was on it for 4 months and it was causing severe postpartum depression. So I quit taking them right away, which resulted in having to quit breastfeeding. I started taking Zoloft and have been doing considerably better. I ran out of Zoloft a couple weeks ago and I feel like I don't need it anymore. Granted, I'm smoking a whole lot of weed, but I'm ok with that because I don't have all the nasty side effects I did on the meds. 

Ana has been in the back seat for awhile now. I do pretty good at not listening to her. But I know in some twisted way, she has more control than I seem to believe. My weight hasn't moved above 97lbs in over a month. I'm not purging often. I eat three meals a day. I think the reason why I smoke so much is because it gives me an appetite. Usually that ends up in a binge session few cookies and then me feeling guilty content. Oh well, I'm surviving and enjoying life as much as I can.

I've taken up a couple of hobbies. My best friend, R, introduced me to hooping and now I'm quite addicted. It's a wonderful exercise, great cardio for sure. I love making different videos to different songs. Hooping has filled that empty spot in my heart that's been missing for awhile. It's a great opportunity to spend some time with just R and I. We both have kids and husbands and when we get together and hoop, everything is right with the world. We spent a lot of time together over the summer; getting the kids together, hooping, baking, puzzles. Looking back on the 14 years we've known each other and been best friends, I haven't felt closer to her than I do now, and I needed that. I think she did too. She's my rock. She knows me better than anyone, well, other than T. She was my beautiful maid of honor and next year she is getting married and I can't wait to share that special day with her. 

Alright, this has turned into one of my longest posts ever. I apologize, that is, if you're still there =) 

I promise I will be a better blogger and can not wait to catch up with everyone. Here is a few more pictures.

XOXO Katie

Getting ready for date time with the hubby

My broncos princess

Love that face soooo much

There's something about him that is just perfection

My best friend in the entire world and I

Flow sesh at the wedding reception =)

It isn't easy

I know I haven't posted in awhile, but I've been lurking. I've been reading but don't know what to say. I don't have a whole lot of encouraging words because I, myself, have been struggling.
I was reading Kate's post yesterday about breastfeeding and having an eating disorder. A lot of people don't understand how hard it is. Pregnancy was hard because I was eating so much to grow a healthy baby. But now that Syrsha is here, it seems to be harder. I know that if I engage in behaviors, it doesn't directly affect her, but it affects every other aspect of my life.
T has already told me that if I relapse, he'd have no choice but to remove her from my life. Which honestly, I don't blame him. I have already let Ana affect my boys. If I ever let Syrsha catch a glimpse of Ana, I would never forgive myself. I want to give her every possible chance to have high self esteem and love herself. She deserves that. If she knew I hated myself and beat myself up everyday, she'd probably turn out to do the same.
So with breastfeeding, I have to keep my calorie intake up so I can keep my supply up. It's frustrating because I know that I'm giving her the best she deserves, but every time I eat more than what I'm comfortable with, I find myself wanting to give into the urge.
I've been religiously going to the gym every other day. I do 20 minutes of cardio and do about 40 minutes of lifting. I know I should probably do more cardio to help burn calories, but I'm trying to tone my body. I have so much loose skin that needs to be defined. Pregnancy wrecked my body.
My weight has been bouncing between 102 and 104. The days I'm 104, I struggle more, obviously. But anyway, I'm going to leave you with a few pictures. I lost a lot of pictures on my SD card because I downloaded a stupid App that corrupted and damaged it. But I'll post what I got.

I miss you guys so much

I'm sorry it's been so long. Life has been stressful and overwhelming. I wish I came bearing wonderful news about how I'm fully recovered, about how life is perfect and that I'm never looking back.
Before I get into all of that, I'll update you all on my little princess. Syrsha will be 3 months in 6 days. I can't believe how fast she's growing. She's developed quite a personality and smiling all the time. She's almost 11 lbs.

So, in other news, I've been struggling real bad as of lately. My weight has been pretty much the same since 2 weeks after Syrsha was born. A couple weeks ago I gained 3lbs in one weekend. It triggered me so bad. Currently I'm 102. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. But the fear of gaining is what I'm really fighting with. Every time I eat, I freak out. I've started counting calories during meal times. But I can't not eat since I'm breastfeeding. I need to eat as much as I did when I was pregnant to keep her healthy.

I've pretty much kept to myself since Syrsha was born. My anxiety keeps me from reaching out, or going out for that matter. I only talk to one friend and that's my best friend. She's the only one who understands my feelings. Most of the time I want to cry, but I don't because I don't want anyone to see I hurt.

As for my boys, my youngest turned 4 in January. He's become such a wonderful big brother. He loves to help me around the house. He loves to help with the baby. For the most part, he's not an attitudinal little butthead like he used to be. My oldest though, he has taken a turn for the worst. He got put on Strattera at the beginning of February  and it has worsened everything. He's become so aggressive, lying all the time, and refusing to have anything to do with school. I think they are going to switch him to Lithium. That scares me but we are at a loss with him.

T and I are doing great. We don't have much time for just us which wears on us a bit. But we are still being very open with communication. In fact, we finally picked a wedding date. When it becomes official, I'll tell you all.

I apologize for this being so long, it's just been awhile.  I'll leave you with a few pictures. Much love.
Xoxo Katie