Recovery Fucking Sucks

And not for the reasons you may think.

Recovery sucks because of the aftermath of my eating disorder.
Recovery sucks because even though I know I need to be eating double the calories, I just can't.
Recovery sucks because of Osteopenia and I hate the taste of milk.
Recovery sucks because I'm in pain all the time.
Recovery sucks because I fucked up my metabolism.
Recovery sucks because 2 years later, Ana is still there (in the background, but there).
Recovery sucks because I cry myself to sleep 9 nights out of 10.
Recovery sucks because I still HATE MY FUCKING BODY!

Alright, I know; it's been so long since I've written here
I apologize for that
The purpose of this post is not in anyway to turn anyone away from recovery,
But more of a look at what this disease has left me with.

Where to begin? How about that I've been regularly working out for over 6 months now.
My workouts don't contain cardio, well besides jumping jacks.
Initially I started lifting to tone,
But then I realized that I could tone, gain muscle, not fat, and reach a "normal" weight.

Since I quit breastfeeding Syrsha a year ago in May,
My weight has not went below 96lbs, however,
My weight also hasn't gone above 101.
And I'm frustrated.

I downloaded My Fitness Pal again,
But this time I changed my goals.
I entered in that my goal weight is 110,
And to gain a half pound a week.

2,090 calories a day, 40% Protein, 30% Fat and 30% Carbs.
Realistically, this is about what my average day looks like...
1,400 calories a day, 35% Protein, 25% Fat and 40% Carbs.
I can never seem to win.

And why all the details, and what brought me to this rant?
The fact that I'm 2 or so years into recovery,
And I'm still struggling every fucking day.

I still cry when I look at myself in the mirror,
I still cry when I realize that Ana is still in my life.
I still cry because my boobs used to be a 38C
And now...lol....now, I've got fucking nothing!

And as materialistic or silly as this sounds,
My boobs are the reason why I'm so fucking upset.
I can't even take my bra off in front of my own husband
Without that lump in my throat that I'm about to freak out.

Does he really care?
He says he doesn't,
But also says he misses the way they used to be.
He loves me no matter what.

But when I look back to almost 5 years ago when I met him,
I was this woman with curves, boobs, and a light in my eyes.
And because of my fucking eating disorders,
I am a woman with zero curves, virtually nothing in my bra, and the light is very dim.

Am I depressed?
Probably.
Do I even have the time of day to be depressed?
Fuck no.

In fact, this post has been in my head for a couple of weeks now,
But as if the aftermath of my eating disorders isn't enough,
Life is just shitting on me in almost every other aspect of my life.
But lets not get into that, this post has been long enough.

I made a doctors appointment, finally.
After almost 7 weeks with this migraine that never goes away.
After taking Excederin up to 3 times a day,
And getting the Daith piercing.

I don't really know what else to say,
Except that I'm sorry.
I know I've been gone,
But more just lurking.

I've been reading, but not commenting.
I wouldn't be surprised if this post gets lost amongst the feed
Of more active bloggers.

XOXO Katie

A letter

Dear Lost kid,
Tonight sucked. You have hurt me repeatedly but I still try to make you at least like me. All those hurtful words that you have spewed out like word vomit, but then act like nothing happened. You always want more, but can not give me anything in return.
I wanted to punch you in the face tonight. I wanted to yell at you. I wanted to unload on you, but that doesn't make me any better than you, does it?
I started writing you this letter because I wanted to express my displeasure with you. I know I can write what I want here with a 99% chance you'll never see it. The things I want to say to you but know you'll never actually here because unless you need something from me, I don't mean shit to you.
You hate me, fine, I've accepted it, but why do you have to spread these toxic lies about me? Do you think people won't tell me? Do you think I wasn't ever your age?
I was in your position once. I knew everything. I didn't need anyone but my friends. I wanted to be an adult but I was just a child myself. You know where that fucking got me? In a 3 year abusive relationship, pregnant and homeless at 15, and dropping out of high school in my sophomore year.
But you know what the difference between you and I is? I grew the fuck up, got a job, went back to school. I graduated, even if it was almost two years late. And guess what? I graduated high school working 2 jobs, and taking care of a one year old.
Now before you think I'm having myself a pity party, understand this. The decisions I made around the same age you are is what got me into the previous mentioned situation. I take full responsibility for it. I, unlike you, didn't fuck up every last chance at high school before semester of Freshman year.
I've tried talking to you til I'm blue in the face. I've tried being your friend, but you didn't want that. I tried being an authority figure and that made you hate me even more. You've spread nasty lies about me. You've said hurtful things about me. You tried having everyone turn on me since the beginning.
So here's the end of this letter. I'm done. I'm done trying. I'm done listening. I'm done giving you things. I'm not going to continue to make myself vulnerable to your toxicity. I love you. That will never change. But I'm not giving anymore. Not until I can at least get something in return. Shit, even a sincere apology would bring me a little closer to believing you cared.
Signed, disappointed

"Holy 6 months, Batman"

Wow, it has been way too long since I've posted on here. Too long for comfort, honestly. Hello everyone! Is there anyone still out there that's even interested in reading anymore? I hope so. So, in the slim chance there is, bare with me because this will probably be a long post. Grab some popcorn ;)

First things first, I am a married woman now. That's right! We tied the knot on September 25th. It was a small wedding in our close friend's backyard. Probably only a total of 30 people, if that. It was amazing. It was everything I could have asked for in a wedding, and I felt like a princess. I know there's a few of you that I'm friends with on Facebook, but for the others who are not, I'll post a pic for you. =) 

Alright, what to talk about next? How about our beautiful princess, Syrsha. She is so smart. She is 10.5 months already. She's climbing on the couch all by herself and thinks it's pretty awesome. She's taking steps around furniture and even sometimes feels brave enough to let go for a few seconds before falling on her butt. She says words like; mama, dadda, Sarah, uh oh, more, and a few others. She loves being sung to and sings along with you. At her 10 month check up she was 17lbs and 28in long. I can't believe where the time has gone since she was born. She has changed so much in not only our family's lives, but my soul. She is usually such a happy baby and can make anyone smile. 

This was in Aug for daddy's birthday

Moving forward to the boys. The oldest turned 8 in July and started 3rd grade this year and is rocking it with flying colors. After a very hard and stressful year last year, we were close to having to remove him from the home. It was so difficult to be in that position. As a mother, my job is to protect my children, but when I was having to protect them from one of my own children, I knew something had to change. Through the summer he was participating with in-home therapy twice a week and seeing his regular therapist once a week. His meds were constantly being changed, his second grade teacher was a nightmare, and he was becoming violent with my and the baby. So, I discontinued all the therapy, took him to his regular pediatrician where they have had him on only one med for a few months and it's working wonders. I started connecting with him on a more strict level and his teacher this year is a saint. He's become a whole new kid and I'm loving it.

The youngest is in his last year or Pre-K. He had a rough summer. His father and I have not been on the same page since the beginning of the year and trying to be both parents while he gets to be his friend instead of his father, has proven to be a challenge. He's 4.5 and is becoming his own little independent person, which would be great if he was trying to be himself and not everyone else. He is very influential and it's difficult to reason with him because as he says, "he knows everything and can do anything he wants," lol. He's still a total sweetheart and makes me smile all the time. He's a social butterfly and can make friends with anyone. 

Alright, enough bragging about my family. Can you tell I'm a little proud? ;) 

Moving on to the rough stuff. Back in May I went to the hospital because I was feeling suicidal. I felt like I was on auto pilot all the time. I was not enjoying life. It was really hard to deal with because it made no sense. I had a beautiful family who loved me, a newborn daughter to care for, and a man who loved me to the end of the world. But something wasn't right. I was wanting to self harm, I stopped eating what I needed to, to continue breastfeeding Syrsha. I slept ALL the time. On Memorial Day, my mom drove me to the emergency room where they kept me on an 8 hour hold and was evaluated by their shrink. I promised not to kill myself and see my OB the next day. That's when I learned that the med I was on to help my supply for breastfeeding was only supposed to be a temporary medication. I was on it for 4 months and it was causing severe postpartum depression. So I quit taking them right away, which resulted in having to quit breastfeeding. I started taking Zoloft and have been doing considerably better. I ran out of Zoloft a couple weeks ago and I feel like I don't need it anymore. Granted, I'm smoking a whole lot of weed, but I'm ok with that because I don't have all the nasty side effects I did on the meds. 

Ana has been in the back seat for awhile now. I do pretty good at not listening to her. But I know in some twisted way, she has more control than I seem to believe. My weight hasn't moved above 97lbs in over a month. I'm not purging often. I eat three meals a day. I think the reason why I smoke so much is because it gives me an appetite. Usually that ends up in a binge session few cookies and then me feeling guilty content. Oh well, I'm surviving and enjoying life as much as I can.

I've taken up a couple of hobbies. My best friend, R, introduced me to hooping and now I'm quite addicted. It's a wonderful exercise, great cardio for sure. I love making different videos to different songs. Hooping has filled that empty spot in my heart that's been missing for awhile. It's a great opportunity to spend some time with just R and I. We both have kids and husbands and when we get together and hoop, everything is right with the world. We spent a lot of time together over the summer; getting the kids together, hooping, baking, puzzles. Looking back on the 14 years we've known each other and been best friends, I haven't felt closer to her than I do now, and I needed that. I think she did too. She's my rock. She knows me better than anyone, well, other than T. She was my beautiful maid of honor and next year she is getting married and I can't wait to share that special day with her. 

Alright, this has turned into one of my longest posts ever. I apologize, that is, if you're still there =) 

I promise I will be a better blogger and can not wait to catch up with everyone. Here is a few more pictures.

XOXO Katie

Getting ready for date time with the hubby

My broncos princess

Love that face soooo much

There's something about him that is just perfection

My best friend in the entire world and I

Flow sesh at the wedding reception =)